My life as an Introvert

 I wasn't always an introvert. I used to be outgoing, party, not backwards. I had lots of friends when I was younger. Until I didn't. 

I was always the fat girl. Always. Still am. I didn't let it bother me, much. I had appreciated my friends so much, until I didn't. 

A few comments that I accidentally overheard, and pretended I didn't. About how I was such a nice person, shame I was too fat. I've always been the fat girl. The introversion started when I learned that I wasn't as accepted as much as I thought I was. I thought I mattered to people, until I found out what mattered more to them was who they wanted to be seen in public with. It broke me. 

I still have friends from school. People that know me and care about me. I have a few close friends I have made since then. 

I started withdrawing from people at a young age. I would get over it for awhile, until I heard it again, then would go back to withdrawing. I had assumed that people grew up and wouldn't hold that against me any longer. 

I had a cousin that was getting married, and she wanted me at the serving table. They wanted me to try on her sisters dress (she was really thin) but my aunt told me it would stretch, just to see what size I needed. It was really stretchable, so I stuffed myself into it. It looked horrible. I was just ready to step out of the bathroom with this horrible dress on when I heard one of my younger cousins talking about how bad it would look since I was such a fat ass. My aunt was mortified, and stood up for me. I was mortified as well. So I withdraw again....

I have figured out that people who say they are your friend, and act like your friend, may not be. That's why I'm particular who I spend my time with. 

I don't like to be in crowds. I feel like a moose in public places. 

Maybe when I get to heaven I'll find out why I'm this way. I have tried just about every diet I know. Keto worked for awhile. I went to Carnivore when it seemed to stop. Now I'm ketovore.  I've fasted, I have been vegetarian, pescatarian, calorie counter, exerciser, I don't know what else to do. I'm just tired of the whole thing. I feel such shame for not fixing it. 

I just want people to accept me as I am. Maybe that's why I care so much for other people, the underdogs, the people who try every day to step out and do what needs to be done. The people who show up when they don't want to because they have to. 

I just can't anymore. I will keep my small circle of friends, avoid crowds, and live my life to the best of my ability. 

It gets really lonely sometimes that I just want to cry, but I'm safer this way. Some days I feel like my soul is bruised. Then I pray, and start hearing from people in my circle, like they know... 

God Bless, and I hope you have an abundant circle you can trust. 

Memories and old friends

 Dear Friend who shall not be named, 

I thought about you the other day. I hadn't seen or heard from you in years, (apparently about 30) but always wondered about you. The friend we had in common said he didn't know where you were or anything, and that he hadn't seen you around for a long time. (this was years ago when I asked him) 

I know when I was going through my separation and divorce we spent a lot of time together. You were part of my lifeline for hanging on. 

I remember smoking a lot of weed with you, when you could find it. We had some good times. I remember all the atrocious lies you would tell. But we all knew we couldn't believe anything you said. You were really bad at it. But you felt like family. Thank you for holding me when I was crying mourning the loss of my marriage, my child, and life as I knew it. 

Then, I googled you. 

I found your obituary. I'm glad you got married, I'm glad you had a child. It didn't mention an illness, just mentioned everyone that would miss you. Well, not everyone. I have missed you for a long time, but now I know I won't ever hear from you. 

Then I found the letter. The letter I found was written in 1992, when I was 10 hours away. I've been cleaning and found a file that had old letters in it. One of them was yours. I don't even remember getting it. You gave me validation in the letter, knowing someone cared. Even if it was a lie, I will believe it. You were very troubled and without purpose before I left, and I was heartbroken. We needed each other, but I couldn't stay. I'm glad you sent the letter. I'm glad I knew you. I will always miss you. 

It's so weird I find the letter just a few days after I found out you were gone. 12 years and I didn't know. 

I wish I could put my arms around you one more time.  

Still missing you my old friend. 

God bless.  

Grief

I don't handle grief well. I've had a lot of loss in my life. 

I got a message this morning that said "Sorry for your loss. I know you two were friends." 

I had to go through fb to see what was going on. My friend passed away a few days ago. We used to be really tight, but her health had been deteriorating for years. She had numerous autoimmune diseases, and got to the point a few years ago where she couldn't leave the house without someone with her. 

I met her when we worked together. She was what I wasn't. Strong, didn't take crap from anyone, and you never had to wonder what she was thinking. I've been told I'm strong, but they don't see me when I would go home and weep. 

We had a lot of laughs, went shopping together, we just had a lot of good times. We really complemented each other. She helped me to face some things I didn't think I could, and I would bring her down to earth when she got worked up over things that she shouldn't be. 

She eventually quit and got another job that was better for her health. She lasted there a year before she had to quit. We used to meet for breakfast after I would get off work, and picked up like there was no time lapse. 

One day when we were supposed to meet,she messaged me and said she couldn't. Her mom was taking her to the hospital. She got through that. Then the next time we talked about it, she said she would have to see because she wasn't able to be out on her own. I never saw her again. 

I would send her Christmas presents, birthday cards, notes, etc, but I never saw her again. She acknowledged every time I reached out. I know people that knew her, and said when they saw her out they knew she couldn't last much longer. 

She didn't feel comfortable having people to her house. They had moved her bedroom into the living room while we were still working together. She liked everything a certain way, and was so upset when it came to that. 

As I get older, I feel I deal with grief better. Well, I thought so. I just need to get it out and let it lay where it may. I take comfort in knowing she isn't in pain, doesn't have to be escorted about, and can leave the "damn cane" alone. 

Fly high my friend. See you on the other side. Give my family hugs from me. God Bless.