Faith.

Awww my friend. Time to reconnect again. This is one of the places I turn when I have a lot on my mind. Here goes.... I am a Christian. I've read the Bible through twice. The 2nd time was 2021. I skipped last year. This year I'm only doing a daily reading of the New Testament. The Old Testament doesn't always sit well with me. Different times. I need more explanation for me than I could find. So here I am in Matthew. Jesus is healing people who have faith that He is the son of God. I believe. While reading and praying today, I told Jesus that if he did today what he did then, I would think he was a charlatan. There are so many things I see today that I can't trust hardly anyone except my inner circle, which is small. People starting Go Fund Mes to deal with costs of dealing with their cancer, who aren't sick, people reporting "news" that has been edited so you don't get the correct story, etc. The list goes on and on, and it's hard for me to believe anything anymore. I DO believe Jesus is the son of God. To be honest, sometimes I have doubt, but I always come back to the same belief. Oh ye of little faith. I'm at the point in Matthew where he is healing people with faith. I have asked for healing many times for physical healing. Is it because I don't have enough faith? Or, could it be like Paul's answer? The Thorn in the Flesh 2Co 12:7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure 2Co 12:8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 2Co 12:9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. I'm no Paul, not even in the running. But maybe I'm the way I am so I have to live by faith. I have often felt that I'm not worthy to be healed, but maybe it's one of my life lessons. IDK.

Time to revisit and blow off some steam....

Good morning world! It's been a couple of years. We are having a major snow event, so I took the night off. I'm so ready to retire, but my finances aren't as ready as I am. I'm getting there. The world has changed so much since I've not been writing. Now everyone is racist. Crime is ok. Biden is president. It all leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm afraid for our country. I'm afraid for society. I'm sad for the people who still think Biden was the right choice. Almost everything about our country has changed. Some people are more kind, because they know the kind of world we grew up in, but there is so much hatred aimed at the wrong people. Enough politics. It depresses me. Don't even get me started on Covid. What has me riled up today, unlike most other days? So here we go... a little backstory. I have been single most of my life. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not. It is what it is. I don't know if I'm unlovable, but have been told I'm a little headstrong (intimidating is one of the words people have used as well). I don't like to put up with crap. I did that for a long long time. I am responsible for myself. I've had to be. I would love to depend on someone who feels the need to coddle me, and love me, and care for me, but it's not happening. I have to make my own decisions for my best interest, because it won't happen otherwise. Yes, my son loves me, and he cares, but he has his own life and doesn't live with me. I called in last night at work due to this upcoming major snow event. 8 to 12 inches of snow with freezing rain overnight, possibly more, etc. I live 20 miles from work. I'm not going to risk it, so I called in last night. It was supposed to start around midnight. Driving 20 miles in the middle of the night on icy roads through the country doesn't really appeal to me, especially since there is no one at home who would notice if I didn't make it home. I don't know who I would call if I ditched the car, if I was even able. I've seen cars upside down in fields on my trips to and from work. Not my idea of feeling safe. So, I was looking at fb today, and one of my coworkers was complaining about the ones that called in. Me and 1 other person. They didn't mention me by name, but listed the ones who came in. They mention something about people abusing FMLA, which I have, but it doesn't apply to snow days. I posted that "I took a point, just so you know. Have a great day gentlemen." with a winky avatar. I wanted to say so much more, but didn't. I keep thinking about it, which is why I opened up this thing. I had a hard time finding it. I wanted to say I have been responsible for my own well being for a very long time. I own my own home (the one doing the complaining lives with his wifes mom, and lives less than a mile from work.), my car is paid for, and I don't have anyone else I can depend on in these situations. So F off. That's what I wanted to say. One of my coworkers lives with his mom. He's 56. I don't see how they can judge me, but they do. I think I have done pretty well for myself, considering. I try to stay classy. Some people make it harder on me than it needs to be. :) I bet my blood pressure is better than the person who started the post. He gets riled up over EVERYTHING. Just chill man. Life shouldn't be as tough as you want to make it. Life happens. Try to enjoy the ride and work on things that are in YOUR control. Now, worry about your own life, and quit complaining about mine. Thank you for always being here in the background, my blog, my outlet, my peace of mind. It's very calming to put this out in the universe so I can drop it and deal with matters at hand. I've got my snowshovel where I can easily grab it and go whenever this mess stops. May not be tomorrow. Looks like I'll be calling in again, probably. Maybe I'll stay off of fb so I can remain classy. LOL God bless, and pray for our country, peace among our people, and that the stupidity is found and fixed. Power on.

Here we go again....

Another emotional day. My daughter would have been 34 today. There is no way I can ever forget. I don't think I would want to. I just don't need reminded. My bff is a firm believer in acknowledging this. She lost her daughter, and grieves differently than me. I don't like being reminded. She feels it's her duty to let me know my daughter isn't forgotten. Every year she calls me, texts me, sends me a card and a gift for my daughters birthday. Posts on fb that she's praying for me. She thinks she is honoring my daughter, but it makes me miserable. I would rather be able to pretend to the world that I'm ok. Really. 

After my last post, she contacted me. (she doesn't know about my blog.) She asked me how I was. I told her it had been an emotional day. I told her about the movie, about our classmate passing away, but not about me feeling alone and pretty hopeless about ever meeting that special someone to share my life with. She said she understood, after all, it is September. I hadn't even thought that far ahead. Thanks for the reminder. :(  I have told her in the past I wish she wouldn't do that, but she thinks she is helping me. It's not. I tried to tell her a long time ago it's not helping me at all, but she is doing it to honor my daughter. So every year I can't just mourn for my child lost alone, it has to have even more reminders I don't need or want. But my bff is my bff, and I don't know what I would do without her. We have been through a ton of stuff together and I love her dearly. She thinks she is helping, and I can't tell her again not to.

So, that's where I'm at today. Missing my daughter I never got to hold. Once I get over this crying jag, it will probably be another year before I cry again. I'm staying away from sad movies. Give me a good old comedy any day. 

God Bless. Please try to listen to someone's heart, not just their words. Sometimes caring hurts more than helps.

Hello old friend. I need you.

 I see you are still here, waiting to be needed. You are. It's been a weird couple of days (who I am kidding? It's been a weird life!) I need to vent. I'll just start with yesterday. 

I got a text from my brother. I love my brother, and his family, but was always treated by my brother and his wife like I was from his past life, and he had moved on. I always felt like I was intruding. We still speak, but we don't get together unless its a family reunion or I find some family pictures I think he would want. Him and my sister don't speak at all. (political differences, what else???) He let me know his wife is being put on the list for a double lung transplant. I knew she had lung issues, but don't know what they are, and it's private so I will probably never know. He asked for prayer, and wanted me to notify other family members. (only the ones he told me I could.) If anything happens to her, he will be lost. My heart breaks for them and the kids and grands. They are an extremely tight family. Please pray. I have been. I love them. 

So on to today....I watched a movie. A very sad love story based on real life. I Still Believe. It's a love story about Jeremy Camp and his college sweetheart and wife. It made me think so much of my mom. Jeremy's wife passed when she was 21 I think. Mom was 32. They both had cancer, just different types. I know how devastating it can be to lose people to that horrific disease. I still miss my mom. I'm 61 years old, and can still remember her reading to me before I started school. We used to go to the library all the time. I know that's where I got my love of reading from. It's also a great way to escape reality. 

Another realization hit me. Such a sense of loss and futility. I will never know the type of love that was projected in the movie. (yes, I know it was a movie, but I know people who actually do find love, and love deeply.) I will never have that in my lifetime. It makes me sad I missed that. I've been crying most of the afternoon. The movie just opened the floodgates. I loved deeply when I got married. I thought he did. Then he moved on. Now he is on his 3rd, last I heard. I honestly don't keep track. 

I know my son loves me. I know my bff loves me. I know my brother loves me in his own way. I just wish I had a special man in my life who would choose me to spend the rest of his life with. Someone to grow old with. My bff and her husband are a great example of what I wish I had. They disagree on things, but compliment each other through life together. She zigs and he zags and it all meets in the end. 

I don't think I'm marriageable at this point. I've been alone too long. I've been working on improving myself, but I can only take it so far. (losing weight, washing out the gray, started wearing makeup again...) I just feel hopeless. 

Then I get a text from a friend of mine after the movie was over. Her boyfriend of a year broke up with her this morning. Two short sentences written in pain. It started like a whirlwind and she was so happy. Her social calendar filled up, but we emailed and tried to keep in touch as best as we could. I answered her text, and just got an email back. She was totally surprised. Said she will be ok, but it's going to take awhile. Bless her. She's been prayed for. I've been doing a lot of that today. 

Then...(Yeah, when it rains it pours) I got a fb alert from one of my group pages that is usually dormant for very long periods of time. The main time it's used now is when we lose another classmate. I remember her from school, and knew she had married, but just found out from her obituary that her husband passed away 3 years after they married. She has a daughter, son in law, and grandkids, but she was a single mom most of the time. I had no idea. (we had a pretty big class, and I only went to 1 class reunion, so I only kept up with a few) A few years ago she had some very serious health issues and moved away to live with her daughter for awhile. She came back to the area a year or so later. I'm assuming she was still having health issues. She never said, but she seemed kind of frail. Fly high my old school friend. 

So, this is my pity party. I hope once I get this out in the universe this feeling will be lifted and I can try to be the shining light I try to be. (Really. ;) ) I try to be positive and upbeat, and can't stand being around negative people. But today is my day to let loose and unload. 

I feel better. I need to be getting back to prayer. There are so many people who need it right now. 

Please pray for your loved ones. And unloved ones. And our country. And our politicians. This world is crazy. 

God Bless.

Purpose

Today I hit a milestone, and I'm not happy with it. I turned the big 60. The last 23 years of my life I had a purpose. My purpose was to raise a human being to be a good human being, kind, caring, intelligent person. One who can think with their head and their heart, and act. Done.

He moved in with his girlfriend this past weekend. We've both been preparing for awhile. It was tear filled on both our parts. The thing that got me was I was on one side of the door looking through the glass and he was on the other and I was trying not to lose it before he left. He looked at me and said "I loved living with you." He had tears in his eyes, and I lost it. As I'm doing right now.

Now it's just me and the cat. I try not to contact him too much as it's been hard on me, but he can't get his adulting underway if mommy is being a helicopter mom. It's hard to let go of the little hand that found comfort in mine. And mine in his.

Someone said it's just empty nest syndrome, and I'm sure that's it. Lots of people that have empty next syndrome also have a partner to share it with. I have friends, but they have lives too. I just need to find my new purpose, and try to be the best person I can be. My son knows he always has a soft place to land, advice whether he wants it or not, and unconditional love that will live forever.

I may have to start journaling again.  This is my soft place to land where I can be myself. A place I can come to cry and let out my frustrations. I haven't done that for a long time.

Life as it happens changes. And it changes us. For the better I hope. Time to move onward.

God Bless you.

Patriotism?

I can’t explain it. I have no idea why, but I get highly emotional about patriotic stuff. I was at a concert and they started playing a patriotic song. They asked that anyone who was in the military stand up when their branch was mentioned. I saw people, young and old, standing up as each branch was brought up in song. There were people standing scattered throughout the audience. With each person standing, the tears started falling down my face faster and faster. I was a mess by the time it was over. 

I don’t know when I started having this type of reaction. I was too young when my uncles were in the military to understand. One of them was out of the army before I was born. He has a purple heart and a few less fingers than he did when he went in. I can vaguely remember my other uncle being gone for a very long time, but it was during peace time and he saw no conflicts. 

Today I was driving through town, and there was “The Wall” set up at the fairgrounds. I was just driving by the fairgrounds and then I saw it from the road. Immediately tears started flowing. Even from that distance there were so many names, columns and columns. I think about the last things they felt, the last things they saw. My heart breaks for all the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, wives, and kids that were impacted by the loss of each human being. They were so much more than a name on a monument. 

Maybe that is why I get the reaction. So much loss. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life. Not as much as some, but I don’t deal well with loss. When I was a kid and my dog got ran over, she was buried in the ditch. I used to go out there and cry by the side of the road. 

I miss my mom. She passed when I was 10. I miss my baby girl that I never got to hear cry. I miss my dad. I guess with each person’s name on that wall, I take on the pain of the people they left behind.  

That doesn’t explain why I still cry when I see military people who have made it home and lived their life with their families, so I guess I don’t really know why. I know sometimes when I see the US flag flying in the breeze, I get all teared up as well. 

Our country is going to hell, and it makes me so sad and afraid to where we are heading. The freedoms our forefathers fought for with their lives for are being sold to the highest bidder. 

 Dear God, please help us.

My trip to the doctor

I haven't been to the dr in quite awhile. (probably a year) and I knew I needed to get checked for my diabetes. I quit taking my meds around October. I signed up for a free diabetic foot clinic last week, and they put me in touch with a general physician who specializes in diabetes treatment. I went yesterday.

He seems like a very nice man. They told me he will probably retire in a couple of years, but he has been recommended by a few people I know, so I thought I would give it a whirl. He kept calling me "kiddo" which I adored since I'm anything but, but I'll take it!

I have a terrible fear of needles. I always have. I passed out in the 5th grade from a tb test, which they told me wasn't a needle, but they used a gun like thing on my arm and down I went. So, yesterday, he orders a tetanus shot (since it's probably been 20 years since I had one), plus I had to pee in a cup and then go get blood drawn for some tests he wanted ran. The last dr. I saw also wanted these same tests, but I had no insurance at the time, and had to go to a lab in a different town. Fortunately (or rather UNfortunately) this office is right down the hall to the lab, so I went. I let them know I don't do needles well, and my veins run and hide when one gets close. I tried to donate blood to get over my fear of needles, but it backfired and now my veins seem to have formed some sort of emergency escape plan. On to the lab....

The phlebotomist was a very nice young lady. She got me all ready to go, I told her my problem with needles, and she said she would try to make it as painless as possible. In she goes into my left arm (I feel dumb, I don't know what it's called right now, but it's in the inside of my elbow...) She starts getting some blood, and it decides to stop. Dead. She starts wiggling the needle around, and around, and around and can't get it to start again. So, she takes it out and tries for the right inner elbow. She taps and taps around to get the vein to stand out, and in she goes. Nothing. Not even a drop of blood. She goes for reinforcements.

The next girl is a little older, and just as pleasant as the first one. They are both hovering over me. Did I mention I don't like needles? So, she starts going in on the back of my right hand. She says I have crappy veins like she does. I say "Thank you" trying to keep the mood light. I just want to get out of there. So, she starts digging around on the back of my hand, and digging, and digging, and digging..... I start feeling real queasy, and look towards the wall as it starts to get fuzzy.... I told her I think I'm getting ready to pass out. I started having all these conversations in my head. It seemed real, but I wasn't there. Makes about as much sense writing it out as it did to me yesterday when I was feeling it. Anyway, I try to open my eyes and it feels like there are weights holding my eyelids down. I finally hear my name being said over and over, and finally get my eyes to open and there are 4 women hovering around me patting me on the arm, and the back trying to get me awake. Yep, I passed out in the lab. I had to sit there for awhile before I would even try to stand. The original girl brought me a glass of water and I just took my time. They sure didn't need to try to pick me up off the floor. I was at the dr. and the lab for almost 2 hours. I drove straight to Wendy's, got me something to eat, and went straight home. So much for getting groceries and gas. Here is the first puncture they made yesterday:

Yeah, it's not pretty. My son thought I was just being a baby till he saw this. I told them next time it might be easier if they can just cut my fingertip off. They are so over-rated anyway. :) (I have to laugh, they did the best they could, it's just these Ninja veins of mine wasn't having any of it!)


The dr's office just called. My numbers were all good (A1C was 6.3, and I've been a very bad girl these last few months. (Easter candy, what can I say?) But he said just to watch my diet and exercise, and come back to see him in 4 months. He mentioned pap smears and mammograms yesterday. Yippee! So much to look forward to! (ummm, sarcasm.)

Well, stay safe, God Bless, and take care of your health. You are the only you God made. There is no other.