I'm back!

I almost missed a whole month again. I wish I could say things have been happening so fast and I haven't had time, but sadly, thats not so. I am bored out of my mind, and don't feel like writing.

The diet is going well. Altogether I am down 41 lbs as of this morning. Its coming off slow and steady, but I was always told that wins the race, so thats fine with me. Its a lot better than going UP which is what it was always doing before. It seems odd that I can lose weight while having bacon and eggs for breakfast, steak, etc, but it really works. I feel good, and I'm not hungry. Well, not often. So, hurray for Dr. Atkins, may he rest in peace. He did this world a favor, at least this fat girl. (My son says I am PHAT, how cute is that???)

The job is not going so well. I had applied for a job, tested, had an interview that went great. I waited for a phone call that never came. They said if I get the job, they call, if not, I get an email. I didn't get either. I kept checking my junk mail filter, and nada. They were hiring for 8 positions and had a ton of applications. I am hoping I was at least 9th on the list of 8, so maybe they will notify me if someone doesn't show up for the mandatory training next week. I have to keep the hope. They had great insurance, flex time, advancement, etc. It sounds like a good deal. But here I sit. I haven't even applied anywhere else since then. Every day that goes by, my confidence goes down. I am sure a lot of it has to do with the semi-isolation I have myself in.

I went through graduation ceremonies. It was actually great. Being back on campus got the blood pumping through my veins again. I really miss it, and wish I had the funds to go back. That should be motivation to get a job, right? That, and paying for things like water, heat, electricity. I am using the last of my savings. I didn't want to do that. Anyway, on campus I could feel my confidence come back. The speeches were really great. I don't know how many people there were in my class, but they were very efficient getting us moved through. It was a flat 2 hours and we were out of there. My son sat with my friends husband and afterward we had went to the reception but it was very crowded. We had a little get-together earlier and I still had the cooler of pop in the truck, so the 4 of us sat out in the parking lot drinking Diet Squirt and Diet Coke. LOL I am such a wild woman! LOL

I missed a social opportunity last night, and today I regret it. I got a phone call earlier this week asking if I was going to my high school reunion. I had forgotten about it. My best friend from school didn't want to go, so I wasn't considering it. Then one of the guys I had seen around from school called. One of our old old friends (I remember her from 6th grade, and can't remember when she moved away) was coming from California for it, and they wanted me to go and sit with them. I hated school. I was poor white trash, and I hated it. Everyone new we were poor. My mom had died when I was 10, and home life was awful. Dad couldn't handle it, and remarried quickly. There was so much crap going on at home with new family and dealing with everything. Then school sucked on top of that. I had no one to talk to about it, except my best friend. (who was the one that didn't want to go to the reunion.) I don't know what had happened to her, but after summer break in the 7th grade, she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. She wouldn't sit with me on the bus, wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even pass notes with me. I never did find out what she was going through. She asked me awhile back what had happened, and I told her I never knew. It must have been something big, because her brother can't remember either, and he is having a hard time. I can only speculate, and I'm not going to do that. I had to tell her that she just dropped me and had no contact, so I never knew what had happened. She has really blocked it out. (We have been friends now for a very long time. She is the one that lost her daughter in a car accident and the reason I started blogging.) Anyway, my mom passed when I was in the 5th grade, and I lost my best friend in the 7th grade. The rest was pretty much a blur. I know I kept my head down all the time, and didn't like people looking at me. I remember a couple of the girls in one of my grade school classes. They were awful. They thought they were so much better than me. They almost had me convinced. When I would bring cookies from home for the class, they wouldn't eat them because they said they were dirty. I cried myself to sleep a lot back then. So,no, going to the class reunion wasn't something I was interested in. It wasn't fond memories for me. I wish now I would have gone, just to see the guy and his wife, and my old friend from California, and her husband. Thats another thing. They are paired, and I'm not. I would have liked to get together with them outside of the reunion, but they didn't mention it, so I didn't either. I am such a social flop. Life goes on.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. I am feeling better getting rid of this weight. My house is cleaner. I am going to one website to help with the weight (www.lowcarbfriends.com) and another place to help get my home in order. (www.flylady.net) They both have been very helpful. Flylady lets me know that it doesn't have to be perfect, and routines make all the difference. I even got rid of some stuff in a rummage sale. LOL. The house is sighing in relief. I know that me keeping a lot of stuff is just insecurity. I am afraid to throw any receipts away, etc., but am getting better.

Please keep praying about the job thing. I have to get my confidence back. I am a great employee, and I keep forgetting that. Take care, and God Bless.

I missed a whole month again

I was really going to try to keep up. I know nobody is reading this, and thats fine. I don't feel like I have an outlet, since I stay home almost all the time and only get to talk to adults on a regular basis when I take the kid to Taekwondo. I really need to do something about that.

Anyway, my crush on Zack Braff took a recent blow. I love him on Scrubs, and the few interviews I have seen. I am sorry to say I didn't care much for either of his movies, (so far). He has another coming out in a couple of weeks, so I will give it another shot. On Garden State, there were too many instances of drugs that I didn't care for. (Cripes I am getting OLD!) It definitely showed the dysfunction between family and even friends. The other one, of which the name fails me, was sort of so-so. I liked it better than Garden State though. Enough with the reviews. I still make it a point to watch Scrubs. I hope they renew for next season.

Ok, I made reference to the old thing. I have been accused of not being fun in the past. When I worked in the factory, some of the girls would sit around and talk about sex with their significant other all the time. I wasn't gettin' any, so I didn't want to hear it. Then I got known as the prude who didn't like to be around when they were discussing it. Then, after that awful break up I had, I quit drinking. No fun for me then either. Actually, a lot of it had to do with boredom too. I had the closest partying friends when I lived in Arkansas. When you have partied with the best, the rest pales in comparison. I miss playing quarters and downing beer (even though I hate beer.) I miss not being able to say certain words or having to drink. (like beer, drink, ok, etc.) Those were the good old days. Now, I have too much responsibility and no one I can trust to take over so I can get incapacitated, even for a little bit. Sad, really.

Ok, now another reason why I am officially old. I kept hearing the term "Indie." Like Indie movies, Indie music, etc. I kept thinking India was coming out with all these things that aren't mainstream, that I never heard of, or saw. Then, with my brainstorming qualities, I realized they were talking about "Independent". Geesh. I get it now. When I heard someone say it was "Indie" music, my first thought was "it sure doesn't sound like it came from India." Duh. I am really trying to stay on the same page in life. Really.

Ok, I started a new diet. (again) I went back to The Atkins Diet. I am monitoring to see if I have the swelling I had before, but so far so good. I'm not losing like I did the first time, but I have incredible energy. I took my son to see The Last Mimsy Saturday, and ended racing him to the car. Yes, I RAN. Not easy for a fat girl. I kept thinking "I hope I can stop without falling flat on my face!" Well, it ended well. I didn't embarrass myself at all. Of course, the kid beat me, but he is 10, so thats fine. He was as shocked as I was that I ran. During the night, I woke up with a pain in my knee. It feels like someone tried to wrench it from my body while I was sleeping. Now I am gimping around, and can barely walk. Geesh. I am tired of being old and fat. I don't have a choice in getting old, but I sure do about the fat. I was hoping to be thinner by graduation, but since that's next week, there isn't much chance of that. :(

God bless, and pray for my knee and a job. Thanks.

My dream

Last night, I had a dream about Zach Braff. I started watching Scrubs not too long ago, and I love the show. It makes me laugh out loud, and I know I don't do that often enough. I sleep with the tv on, and it comes on at 11:00 pm. I fell asleep during it, so I know I incorporated it into my dream. Anyway, in my dream, he came in, like a normal evening, and laid down at the other end of the couch. (I sleep on the couch) We were both reclining, and chatting, just friendly fun banter. Then we both settled down to go to sleep. (His head at one end, and my head at the other.) Then, I was almost ready to doze, (in my dream) and sat up, told him that "by the way, I wanted to let you know how adorably funny you and your show is. It makes my day brighter." He gave my that knowing grin of his, and we both nodded off. I just thought it was a cute dream. I really do enjoy him and the show a lot. There isn't much tv I make a point to watch, but I will that one. My son is the one that got me started on it.

I was supposed to go to a job fair today, but didn't go. I didn't sleep good last night so I napped as soon as kidlet left for school. Then I started not feeling well, tummy-wise. So I didn't go. I still need to go over and get measured for my cap and gown. Thats something I need to whine about.

My friend that is going to school keeps telling me how important it is for me to go to graduation. I, being a private introverted person, don't want to go and be in front of all of those people. She has been lecturing me about how important it is for my kid to see me graduate. To me, its just a ceremony. Like a wedding. If (heaven forbid) I should ever do that again, its going to be me, him, and the preacher. Anyway, she keeps telling me to get over there and get measured. Then last night, I get this email from her about how she got measured, and if she decides not to go, she can just cancel. I emailed her back, and asked what the F is going on. Yeah, I said F. (even when I cuss in Pogo chat, I use characters, not the real letters, like &*^%*^. At least everyone knows how I feel without having to say it. LOL. She said she may not walk. Holy crap. She likes drama, even though she says she doesn't. She still whines on a daily basis about how much homework she has, even though she has dropped half of her classes. Then she will tell me how she really needs to quit watching tv. I never had time to watch tv while I was in school. I even studied in the bathroom. When she has a freebie day, she says she has to stay home and get caught up on homework, and EVERY TIME she does that, she will email me that evening and tell me she didn't do anything all day. Cripes. She is getting on my last nerve. She has it so much tougher than everyone else. No one has it as rough as she does. She suffers from test anxiety. Big whoop. Its ok if I got a C in a class, no big deal, but it devastates her for days if she gets one. She can't function for a day or more if she gets a bad grade. I have told her she needs to talk to someone about depression, and she told me one day that it makes her cry when I tell her that, so please don't say that again. I said it was BECAUSE YOU ARE DEPRESSED! Then she tells me that the dr. thinks she is diabetic. I asked her when she was getting tested, and she said she wasn't. She didn't want to know, and she didn't want me to mention it again. So I did. I told her that she needs to get tested so she can find out what plan of action she needs to take. She said her dad was diabetic and it ruined his life, and he was miserable. I told her that was a long time ago, (about 20 years) and they have learned so much since then. I told her she needs to get checked before it does any permanent damage. She told me she is never telling me anything again, so don't mention it. I told her its not going to go away. Now, I don't know if she really doesn't want me to talk about it, or if she wants to see how much I care as a friend, and try to convince her to go. I really do love her dearly, even though it doesn't sound like it. I just don't like the drama. I blog instead of whining to people, (most of the time, anyway) and she whines to me. Some days I cringe when I see her name in my inbox. I get at least 2 emails a day from her, every day. Some days more. I even told her that with diabetes, she could lose a limb, or go blind. If she waits too long to find out, and doesn't start treatment, there won't be much they can do, which is probably what happened with her dad. I told her at least cut down on sugar and carbs, like pasta, etc. She said "but I like pasta." Cripes. I asked her if she liked it well enough to go blind. I get so tired of the damn whining. I hope she doesn't expect me to push her around in her wheelchair. (Of course I would, but mainly if we are starting out at the top of a hill.) LOL. I really do care about her, and thats why it bothers me so much. Diabetes can be managed, at least to a certain extent. If you don't know what your dealing with, you don't know what you should be doing. Then she said that since my dad was diabetic, I was a good candidate for it too. DUH. I had my blood sugar checked, and its always been fine. So there. That shut her up for almost a whole minute.

Better go, its time for Scrubs. God Bless. Goodnight Zach, wherever you are. ;)

Things are the same, only different

I still don't have a job. I am doing better though. I think the naps I have been taking have been helping with the depression. I still don't sleep well at night, but the naps during the day are my high point. Even if I don't nap though, I still don't sleep well at night. I have noticed the last few nights that I am actually dreaming again, so maybe I am getting caught up some. Dreaming seems to really relax me more, like telling me a bedtime story to myself while I am asleep. They have been good calming dreams, except the one where I dreamt that I had a really nasty crusty cold sore, and was thrilled when I woke up and discovered it wasn't true.

My uncle and my grandmother are both currently in the hospital. My Grandmother seems to be getting better and may be going back to the nursing home tomorrow. She likes it there now because she doesn't have to do anything. They cook and clean for her, and roll her over. She can sit and read all she wants.

My uncle isn't faring so well. I love my uncle. He used to be a mean vicious man who used to beat his children when they were small. I was terrified of him. My mom used to take me over to play with his kids sometimes when he was at work. I would hear her and grandma talking about how mean he was. I remember once he came home while I was there, I told my aunt I was walking back to my grandmas and decided to go the scenic route. I was about 6. My mom came after me in the car scared to death they wouldn't find me. I wasn't lost. I had to get away from the evil man who beat children. I don't remember how old they were when the bruises stopped. I know they had them in highschool. He discovered God and turned into one of the sweetest people you would ever be blessed to meet. His children love him dearly, and it shows. His body is failing. He has put it through a lot of stress over his lifetime.

The last time I was over at his house, (a few weeks ago) they were talking about a local hospital that got its charitable status taken away. He said "apparently they didn't treat enough indignant people." It was all I could do not to burst out laughing, picturing these indignant people, all nicely dressed, standing outside the hospital offended because they weren't being treated. (as opposed to the poor indigent people turned away for lack of money or insurance.)

When my son was a baby and was a collicky crying mess, my uncle was the only one that could lull him to sleep. He said he had a way with babies, which he did, but I also think it had something to do with the tremors he had, but we never mentioned them. I have a picture of him cradling my son in his arms, resting comfortably looking up into my uncles face.

He is tired, and wearing his wife out taking care of his needs, and he knows it, and that makes it even harder on him. He is ready to go, but she keeps telling him he's not, and he doesn't want to leave her alone, but he wants to go. I will miss him tremendously.

His life has shown me how much a person can go through changes over a lifetime and still come out ok on the end. I keep waiting for something to happen "FOR" me, instead of me getting out and moving the mountains that need to be moved. I have turned in a few applications, but not as much as a serious job searcher would. I keep expecting something to happen, to make life easier. I don't know why I feel that way, but I have since I was a child. I remember thinking that no matter what happened, I would end up marrying a great guy, having a great family, and live happily ever after. I think I still have that dream, even though I don't work at it at all. It should just happen, shouldn't it????? (yeah, I know.)

I am trying to get back on track with life. I think I have finally gotten bored at home, although if I ever started on a project, it would keep me occupied. I am afraid to start because I may fail.

I know I am getting bored when I actually updated Myspace last night. I changed the background and it looks great. :)

I hope you all have a blessed day.

The next chapter...

Well, I am a college graduate. No pomp and circumstance, but I had a hard time leaving campus Friday. I was planning on working a couple of hours my last day but got invited to a free breakfast, so I went there instead. I went in to get my "stuff" and say bye, but only 3 people were in the office. I really enjoyed working with them, but I didn't feel like me and my boss "jived." I heard he is a hard person to get to know, but it just didn't feel right. Anyway, now I have to find a REAL job.

I always hate finding a new job. All the insecurities come up to the surface. Why would they want to hire me? Would I want to hire me? I think I have an excellent work ethic, which amazes me when I don't see it in others. When I grew up, everyone worked hard. Now I don't see that so much. I know when I started working in the factory (that ended up going to Mexico) you worked hard, and weren't allowed to talk unless you could keep working. It got more lax, and more lax, and before long you had people who didn't really seem to do much of anything except talk. I try to give an honest days work for an honest days pay. One problem I had in the office I was working in was that they had a hard time keeping me busy. I was getting paid to do a job, but didn't really have much of a job to do. I answered phones for help desk, and did a few other things as they came in. I was trying to teach myself some of the software I got to use so I would be more useful, but felt guilty for opening the book. I think I was the only one that bothered, but its the kind of stuff I do at home, the self-teaching stuff. So, I would hire me because I am a good, dedicated worker. I don't like to get into office politics. I would hire me for help desk. I would hire me for factory work. I wouldn't hire me as a net admin, which is what my degree is in. I hated it. I got locked into it, but don't like it at all.

I am hoping and praying I find the perfect fit. I am scared to death. I am going to take a little break before I start hitting the pavement looking for a job though. My son has 2 days left of school and then they are on Christmas break. I really can't afford to take a break, but the last few days have been great not having homework. I had over 200 emails in my inbox yesterday morning that I just didn't have time to deal with before. I have it down to 89 now. The house is slowly but surely getting cleaner. It looks better, smells better, and I feel better about it in general. It's weird putting up all of my school stuff. I plan on taking classes on down the road, but feel like I need to get the job thing lined up first. I am going to have to pay for classes now, and I sure don't want to have to drop a class when I get a job. I am hoping I can find something that works with my sons schedule well. I know I will have to get a sitter for days he doesn't have school, and summer. He isn't looking forward to that. I need to find something full time. I am scared.

God bless, and keep me in your prayers.

After the meltdown

Well, after yesterday I feel better. I got all the crybaby stuff out of the way. At least till it happens again. Anyway, I got a perm this morning and I feel different. That can be a good thing. My son doesn't like it, but its going to take some getting used to. I told him I am an old lady so its time I started having to do my hair all the time like an old lady. He told me to get out of the 60's and back to 2006. LOL. It really doesn't look bad, and I needed a change. I was tired of flat hair.

We worked in the yard this afternoon. It was a beautiful day and I had never mowed that last time it needed it. I mowed and shoved all the leaves around into piles, so tomorrow we plan on burning them if its not windy. Its supposed to be nice. We were invited to my aunts house for another Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't know if we will go or not. I have been a bad girl and have taken a holiday from homework. I have 17 files due for Adv. Software Monday, and then another batch on Wednesday, plus my 4th and final paper for history is due on Wednesday. (or Tuesday. I am afraid to look.) I may decide to get back in the groove tomorrow and start getting some of it knocked down. I feel better when I get it out of the way so I don't have to worry about it. I have to go to campus every day next week, so I need to get it out of the way while I have time. I have made notes for my paper, so at least its a start. LOL.

I better git. I just came in today to change over to the new version of blogger, and wanted to see what all had been changed.

God Bless.

I don't know what to name this post.

Gee, aren't I inventive today. I had a list of things I wanted to discuss, but got here and drew a blank. Where to start?

We had Thanksgiving at my neices house today. Her baby girl is growing by leaps and bounds and is a beauty. We had a good time. The boys had a great time playing together. I got to talk to my brother a little bit. I miss him. We used to be close, but that seems eons ago. I guess it was. He has been married now for over 25 years. Wow. Anyway,the conversation started about our grandmother. She has given up and is waiting to die. She is in a nursing home, laying flat on her back. She doesn't read, she doesn't watch her programs, she just lays there. They make her go to the dining room to eat, but thats it. Then we started talking about Dad being sick, and then we started talking about Mom. I miss her still terribly. She was my best friend, my confidant. Dad told my brother that sometimes when he wakes up in the middle of the night he can't breath, and he know thats how he is going to die. He is ready to go to Heaven and see everyone, but its the rest of the journey there that scares him. Someone told him that with the disease he has that he will just slowly suffocate. I didn't know it, but my brother saw my mom the night before she died. He said every breath she took put her in such pain it was awful to watch. I didn't even know he saw her that night. All of us kids were spread out, my sister was at the babysitters, I was at the ministers house, and I thought he was at my aunts. But he was there. He got to see her. He said he didn't tell her bye because he still didn't think she was going to die. After talking with the minister and finding out she WAS going to die, I prayed all night long that I could talk to her one last time, but it didn't happen.
I am sitting here bawling like a baby. I am too old to be doing this. I was bawling while we were talking. I am 47 years old and still miss my mommy. Sometimes I think I am made of stone and have no feelings at all, and then I melt down like this. My brother said that Mom had said she had seen Jesus, and she knew what her purpose had been, and she was ready to go, and she did. Wow. I felt so selfish wanting her back knowing she would be hurting. I was 10, needed a mom, not a stepmother who treated us like we were intruders into her life. I am glad that finally changed, but it wasn't until years later. We get along ok now. She is taking excellent care of my dad, and thats what matters.

Time to change subjects. I saw a wonderful movie this evening. I finally got to see The Lake House with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. It was wonderful. It was about love spanning time and growing. Its hard to explain, but it was done beautifully. I guess you could say I liked the movie. LOL. I won't put any spoilers in here, but I think every romantic ought to see it. It gives me hope that there is true love out there.

I need to close and go to bed. I am getting a perm in the morning, hoping it will make me feel better. I think I have put all the weight back on that I took off, and need something to perk me up.

Good night, and God Bless. Make sure your loved ones know they are, and make sure and count your blessings.