Time to blow the dust off....

It's been awhile. A couple of years I think. Some things have changed, some have stayed the same. I changed jobs a little over 6 months ago. The last job I had I posted about when I started. It sucked the life blood out of me. I had to drive over 10 hours a week just back and forth to work. The money wasn't good, and every day I made the drive I got farther and farther in debt. Since I don't have much confidence in myself, I stayed there. I was afraid I would fail if I found something else. At least I had a job, right? I was losing all hope. Life feels pretty rotten when you lose hope.

My sweet aunt told me that a plant not too far from my home was hiring a ton of people. They pay very well, and have lots of overtime. I went from an office job to a factory job, and the transition hasn't been without some trials. I'm a "woman of substance" (ie: fat girl) so the standing for over 8 hours was a real struggle. It's a lot better now. The office job was killing me, keeping me glued to my chair all day, so now I have a Misfit Shine to find out how active I am and see how well I'm sleeping. The sleeping is still an adjustment, as I'm on 3rd shift. I'm getting around 10,000 steps a day in, so that's good. I've only made goal twice, but once it gets to be a regular occurrence  I want to increase it to 12500. That helps me to feel better.

Financially, things are looking up. I cancelled my credit card and am working on paying it off. It's going to take me 5 years to do it, but it was there when I needed it. I had to use it to subsidize things like gas to get to work, electric, phone, etc. The bill was so high I would save to pay it, then have to use it to pay what bills were due that I couldn't afford to pay. After I got this job, I contacted the credit card company and set up a payment plan to pay it off.I can't use the card anymore, but I only have 2% interest till it's paid off. It feels really weird not having a credit card as backup, but if I can be debt free in 5 years, it will be totally worth it.

Ok, that kind of catches that up some.

Now I have a rant. First, some background.

I'm not a saint. I know... hard to believe. I'm far from perfect, but I'm forgiven. I try to do the best I can. Being in the factory setting again is an adjustment I didn't want to have to make. This is the most foul mouthed place I have ever worked, that I can remember. I hear the F word at least 20 times a day, sometimes double or triple that. Between that, all the tats, piercings, women who talk about their wives, etc, I'm a little out of my element. I can roll with the punches, but I have started cussing (again) more than I like. It's just the culture, and it's easy to fall into. I try to mind my own business and not talk about others, but wow... there are some strange people out there. I need to unload so I don't feel the need to talk about them to other employees. (I just have to get it off my chest and let it to out into the cyberspace....no one reads this anyway!)

I worked with a girl today who I can really relate to, in a lot of ways. She's a short fat girl like me, just a little shorter and little fatter. She's almost 40, and I'm 55. She reminds me some of the way I used to be. She wants someone to love her so bad, she puts up with way too much and seems to have no value of her worth. I gave her a lecture today, just a short one, but she quit talking to me the rest of the night. She meets men online on sex websites, and then hooks up with them. She can't understand why they just want to screw her and move on. She says she wants a committed relationship. She is seeing this one guy, but told me last week he's really odd, doesn't believe in God, but believes in aliens. He stood her up last week, and when she finally got in touch with him he said he had a better offer. I assumed she was done with him. Not so. She started telling me at work that he came over yesterday, and after he went in the other room to get dressed, he came back in and kissed her bye. WHAT??? I said is this the guy you said isn't sure about getting into a committed relationship? She said, well, we aren't sure yet. I said "why would he? You are his backup. He already let you know he had a better offer last week, and you still let him back in your bed. He's got it made." She said it was her choice. I said "you are a grownup, and can do what you want, but if you want a committed relationship, I don't think sleeping with every guy who is nice to you for a minute is the way to do it.  One of these days you are going to end up catching something you don't want." (she already comes in with open sores on her mouth) She keeps getting hurt emotionally over and over again. It makes her feel worse about herself, till she finds someone else to screw. Then a couple of weeks later when they are done and gone, she is hurt all over again. I told her I can't listen to her about her sex life. She can do what she wants, but I don't want to hear about it. I don't think I was clear though. I don't want to hear about it because it saddens me to see how much crap she will put up with just to get attention from a man who doesn't really care, just wants an easy lay.

Trust me, I wasn't being holier than thou. It makes me sad to see her make mistakes that I have done in the past. Some guy is nice to you, and it feels so nice to be noticed. I went out with a lot of guys I never should have went out with. I slept with men I never should have. I didn't value myself, because I never felt valued. It really saddens me to see her making some of the same mistakes I did. After going to bed with someone you really don't care about, it leaves you emptier than before. What you want isn't there. I always felt hollow. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. I really miss it. But I make errors in judgement and hate the empty feeling when it's over. 

I may try to write her a letter telling her why I said what I did. I know she thinks I'm some old spinster who only had sex with her eyes closed, gritting her teeth while wearing her flannel nightgown with socks on. Just because I think a person's sex life is between them and the person they had sex with, doesn't mean I don't know how it's done.

Enough for today. Please say a prayer for her. I have a lot of praying to do for both of our sakes. God bless, and thanks for still being here after all this time.....

True story....

On my way home from work, some evenings I order a pizza so it will be ready when I get close to home and I can just swing in and pick it up. Yesterday evening was one of those days. Here was the conversation when I called:

Me: Hi, I would like to order two large pizzas.
Her: Okay, what would you like?
Me: I would like a large beef bbq pizza....
Her: Hmmmm........uh.......uh..... well, we have a bbq beef pizza....
Me: That's the one.
Her: Ok, a large?
Me: Yes
Her: ok, name?
Me: Jones* (name is changed, but it's equally common and identifiable.)
Her: Can you spell that?
Me: J-O-N-E-S
Her: Will that be all?
Me: No, I want to order another large pizza.
Her: Another one?
Me: yes. I want a large pepperoni pizza.
Her: Got it. Name?
Me: Jones. (???)
Her: hee hee, Oh, I'm sorry. Hahaha.............(silence)..........(more silence).............(even more silence)..............Hello?
Me: yeah?
Her: I NEED YOUR PHONE NUMBER!
Me: 555-1212*
Her: ok, that will be 55 minutes.
Me: Thanks!

Holy freakin cow! I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Usually it takes 20 minutes, 30 tops. It was the weirdest phone call I've ever had just trying to order pizza. Instead of picking it up on my way home, I came home, killed about 20 minutes, then took the kid to town so he could get some dinner before he had practice. He shoveled a slice down while I was taking him to practice.

I don't know if it's because of her age (she just started going to a jr college,) my age, (I'm older, and tired of putting up with crap and expect businesses to hire people who at least know how to talk on a phone and take a pizza order, if that's part of their business) or do I expect too much?

Is it society as a whole that's flaking out? I've been other places and seen other people who seem very inept at what they are doing, even when they are simple tasks. I don't want to be prejudice, but most of them are younger. Is it the way they have changed the learning process at school maybe where they can't seem to think on their own and come up with their own ideas? I know my kids tests are almost all multiple choice and fill in the blank from a word bank with no essay questions where they actually have to use their brain to reason and think, and not just dump memorized facts out of their faces. It makes me think of Bugs Life, when a leaf gets in the way of the line of ants and they all panic because they can't follow the exact trail. They are panicking because they have no clue what to do, till an older and wiser ant has to lead them. .

What are we coming to, as a society? Or am I just a grump? Nah, that can't be it. :)

Thanks for reading. God bless.

I LOVE YOU Daddy

I miss you.

It's taken me a long time to write this. I knew the next post would be my letter to you, but I didn't want to do it. It seems so final. I know, you've been gone a year and a half. I still don't want to say goodbye.

I was there. It was so hard to watch you laboring for every breath, concentrating so hard to fill your lungs as full as you could. The sweat pouring down your face, just trying to breath was heartbreaking. You gave it your best. You lasted longer than most. Why you kept going, I'll not know for a long time.

I know I miss you. I think about you often. When I see something I know you would appreciate, when I hear a joke I know you would love to repeat, when my son does something I know you would approve of, and when he doesn't.

I have an idea why it was so hard for you to say "I love you." Being the baby of older parents who didn't seem to believe in getting all mushy had to have been it, right? I am my fathers daughter. I had a real hard time saying it to you, because I never knew how you would take it. I remember the first time you told me you loved me, I shouted it from the rooftops. I didn't know you never told my brother or my sister. I hope you did before you passed. I always felt you and I had a special bond, and maybe I was right. I used to make excuses for you to my siblings on why you acted the way you did.

I know by the time your parents had you, they thought they were done with babies. SURPRISE! You were always full of surprises, even from birth. I think they were just tired. I know they loved you too, but I don't remember your mom showing it very much. I don't remember your dad.

After the funeral director moved your body out of the house, they told us to go through pictures. I've seen that ploy before, and it's very effective. We went through pictures of you and we laughed, and we cried. Trying to find one for the big display was the hardest of all. I couldn't agree with anyone on the best picture of you. They wanted the posed pictures that you had taken. They didn't look like you. The eyes weren't quite right, the smile wasn't quite right. I can spot a fake smile on just about anyone, and that was all I could see. There was no crinkle in your eyes, no sparkle, no laughter. No quirky little smile. Then it dawned on me. I didn't see that in the picture because you saved that look for people you loved. For me. for my sister. for my brother. for your family and friends.

You're brother passed away yesterday. I found out this morning. I hope you are both rejoicing and dancing in the streets together. I hope and pray you are. I remember him at your funeral. Another "can't show my feelings guy" with tears falling freely from his eyes with no trying to even dry them. They were falling and I just wanted to squeeze him and tell him you are in a place with no pain and no sorrow. You are with mom again. Being my father's daughter, I just gave him a little hug as he came through the line.

You were loved by a lot of people. I hope you realized that while you were here.

You're wife is an amazing woman. I know what you mean about when she doesn't know when to quit. She is so busy all the time, volunteering here and there, going on mission trips to foreign countries, mission trips in the states, any place she can lend a hand. I know she misses you, and is trying to fill the void that you left in her life. Did you think it would take all that? She said she needs a reason to get up in the morning, and you were it for the longest time. I have really grown to love her more and more every day. She called to tell me about your brother this morning.

I'm so glad you're not hurting any longer. I sure miss you though.

Let me just say I LOVE YOU DADDY! so there. <3 <3 <3 See, that didn't hurt a bit.

God Bless, tell Mom and my beautiful daughter I love them too. The words don't hurt to say out loud, I promise.

Twice in the same year....

I'm back.

I hate to be such a downer, but I've been sitting here crying my eyes out wanting someone to talk to that won't pity me and try to make me feel better. I won't. Not yet. My daughter would have been 27 tomorrow. My heart aches. I know I posted about it before, it's in here somewhere. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I'm silently crying so I won't wake my son up. When he sees me cry for just about any reason (real life reason, not sad-movie reason) he starts crying too. My arms are aching to hold the child I never got to hold, I'm mourning a life that never got to be lived. Could it have been for the best? Life can be so hard. Maybe it was a blessing for her. Only God knows. I know my heart was shattered. I lost my baby girl, then my husband asked for a divorce a few months later. The sparkle went out of my eyes for a very long time.

Life goes on. I often wonder how the earth can still spin when so many people are hurting. How can the clock still tick like everything is normal? I can hear car horns on the highway, and wonder what is so important they need to disrupt the world with their worthless noise. People hurt. But the earth does still spin, the clock keeps ticking, and people keep honking their horns because they have places to go and things to do. We keep trying to cover up the hurts with bandaids, like alcohol, food, sex, anything to numb the pain till we can deal with it, like a scab trying to heal. Keep it covered till it goes away. It doesn't. There is still a scar.

Since losing my daughter, I have learned not to take people for granted. I assumed she would be in the car seat on the drive home from the hospital, and sleep in the crib I had made all the accoutrement for. I assumed she would wear the clothes I had shopped for, washed, and had all ready for my little bundle of joy. I assumed wrong. There are no guarantees.

I wonder sometimes as I would watch my son get on the bus, what if he never comes back? What if there is an accident and I never see him again? What if...what if.....

It can be a scary world out there. I'm tough. Not because I want to be, but because I have to be. Sometimes nothing can make me cry. Sometimes everything makes me cry. I try not to think about my daughters birthday. It makes me incredibly sad. It changed my whole life and sent me down a whole different path that I never thought I would have had to take. Then 9/11 happened with the World Trade Center. I haven't been able to even try to block the date out since that fateful day. The date was never really blocked out, but it wasn't shoved in my face all the time like it is now.

Appreciate the people you have in your life. You never know what will happen.....

God bless.....

Wow

I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I have been here. Some things have changed, some things have stayed the same.

I still have the same job, and still driving over 10 hours a week just to work and back. It doesn't leave much time for blogging, needless to say. I don't make enough money to pay my bills, so a smart phone for ease of blogging and keeping in touch is out of the question. I like what I do, I just don't make enough money, and with the economy, I'm afraid to leave. I wasn't making enough when I started, but thought after I got my raise it would be better. 11 days before my 1 year anniversary, they had a hiring and wage freeze. Just my luck. Then, insurance rates went up, deductibles went up, and copays went up. A few months after that, we had a 4% wage reduction across the board. So, I make less money now than when I started with this company over 2 years ago. I use my credit card to subsidize what I make just to get by, but I will reach my limit in the next few months, and I have no plan. I have no idea what to do. Part time jobs are impossible to find around here. One of my friends was looking for a part time job, and they told him they aren't even looking at anyone who already has a job, because there are so many people out of work in this area. :(

My dad passed away in Feb. of last year. He had suffered so much, but I miss him tremendously. I have our last family picture on my desk at work, right in the center of my dual monitors, so I can see it every time I look down. I miss not being able to talk with him, joke around, and just love him. We were never a touchy feely family, and we never said "I love you" except maybe once or twice in my lifetime that I can recall. I really regret that. That's just the way it was. I tell my kid at least 4 times a day that I love him. I never want him to wonder or forget.

That's it for now. I'm tired. I'll try to get back soon. Life is kickin me in the butt right now, but that's life as it happens.....

God bless.

Oh yeah...

I just noticed tomorrow would be my wedding anniversary, if I was still married. It would have been 25 years. It doesn't seem possible. We were only married for 4 1/2 years. He's on #3 wife last I heard. Man, I hate being single some days. (weeks, years, decades, etc...) but I don't think I am compatible with anyone that I would want a relationship with. Maybe that's another reason I'm a little melancholy tonight.

God Bless. (and K, I hope you at least remember from time to time.)

Wow!

Well, it's been awhile. I had to dust the cobwebs out before I could get on here. A lot of things have changed, and a lot of things have stayed the same.

I got the job I went to the interview for. I started the end of November. I really like it. It's hard, and I have to use my brain a lot. I think that's a good thing to keep the brain cells firing for when I get old. LOL. It isn't interesting to most people, nor should it be. Hahaha. My job title is RMA specialist and I work for a dental company. A lot of it is boring, but I still like it. It's frustrating at times, but what isn't? I wonder how some people can even get themselves out of bed some days with some of the stuff I deal with. It just makes me feel better about myself in general. :)

Anyway, it's great to have a paycheck again, and it's a great company to work for. My boss is great. The people I work with are fun. The drive is a long one, over an hour, but I enjoy it unless the weather is bad, or threatening to be bad. It gives me a lot of time to think. Sometimes it's a good thing, and sometimes not so good.

Today I was really feeling sorry for myself. I got my taxes done Saturday. I was concerned I was going to have to pay in, which luckily I didn't. I only get back about $250 total, and it cost me $125 to get them done. Yeah, that sucked. At least I know they are right. Next year I should be able to do them myself again. I cashed out my IRA last year, so I was concerned about that. I would rather be right and broke than wrong and owing the government money. I was hoping to get enough to pay my propane bill. That didn't happen. I own $905 for one fill of my tank, and I'm almost on empty again. I don't know what to do. I usually go through 3 tankfuls a winter, but have stretched this one tank out as far as it will go. I wear my robe over my clothes when I'm home, and make sure we have something on our feet at all times. I don't know if they will deliver till I pay on it. I need to call them and see. I could put it on my charge card, but cripes. My payments will go up more, and I can barely pay it now. I had to get a car or I wouldn't have been able to make it to work. I was spending $100 a week on gas when I was driving the truck. Now it's $50. I have to pay babysitting, which I didn't before, so that's taking a chunk. Even though I'm making decent money an hour, my insurance through work is costing me over $300 a month. I can't even afford to take the time off to go to the dr so I'm paying for insurance I don't have time to use.

I know it will work out. I know God will take care of me. He always has. I am getting discouraged, especially when they tacked on a 30 day past due fee on my propane bill. :( My homeowners insurance is coming up, and time to renew the license for the truck. Everyone wants money, and I don't have it to give. Keep me in your prayers please.

God Bless.