Twice in the same year....

I'm back.

I hate to be such a downer, but I've been sitting here crying my eyes out wanting someone to talk to that won't pity me and try to make me feel better. I won't. Not yet. My daughter would have been 27 tomorrow. My heart aches. I know I posted about it before, it's in here somewhere. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I'm silently crying so I won't wake my son up. When he sees me cry for just about any reason (real life reason, not sad-movie reason) he starts crying too. My arms are aching to hold the child I never got to hold, I'm mourning a life that never got to be lived. Could it have been for the best? Life can be so hard. Maybe it was a blessing for her. Only God knows. I know my heart was shattered. I lost my baby girl, then my husband asked for a divorce a few months later. The sparkle went out of my eyes for a very long time.

Life goes on. I often wonder how the earth can still spin when so many people are hurting. How can the clock still tick like everything is normal? I can hear car horns on the highway, and wonder what is so important they need to disrupt the world with their worthless noise. People hurt. But the earth does still spin, the clock keeps ticking, and people keep honking their horns because they have places to go and things to do. We keep trying to cover up the hurts with bandaids, like alcohol, food, sex, anything to numb the pain till we can deal with it, like a scab trying to heal. Keep it covered till it goes away. It doesn't. There is still a scar.

Since losing my daughter, I have learned not to take people for granted. I assumed she would be in the car seat on the drive home from the hospital, and sleep in the crib I had made all the accoutrement for. I assumed she would wear the clothes I had shopped for, washed, and had all ready for my little bundle of joy. I assumed wrong. There are no guarantees.

I wonder sometimes as I would watch my son get on the bus, what if he never comes back? What if there is an accident and I never see him again? What if...what if.....

It can be a scary world out there. I'm tough. Not because I want to be, but because I have to be. Sometimes nothing can make me cry. Sometimes everything makes me cry. I try not to think about my daughters birthday. It makes me incredibly sad. It changed my whole life and sent me down a whole different path that I never thought I would have had to take. Then 9/11 happened with the World Trade Center. I haven't been able to even try to block the date out since that fateful day. The date was never really blocked out, but it wasn't shoved in my face all the time like it is now.

Appreciate the people you have in your life. You never know what will happen.....

God bless.....

Wow

I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I have been here. Some things have changed, some things have stayed the same.

I still have the same job, and still driving over 10 hours a week just to work and back. It doesn't leave much time for blogging, needless to say. I don't make enough money to pay my bills, so a smart phone for ease of blogging and keeping in touch is out of the question. I like what I do, I just don't make enough money, and with the economy, I'm afraid to leave. I wasn't making enough when I started, but thought after I got my raise it would be better. 11 days before my 1 year anniversary, they had a hiring and wage freeze. Just my luck. Then, insurance rates went up, deductibles went up, and copays went up. A few months after that, we had a 4% wage reduction across the board. So, I make less money now than when I started with this company over 2 years ago. I use my credit card to subsidize what I make just to get by, but I will reach my limit in the next few months, and I have no plan. I have no idea what to do. Part time jobs are impossible to find around here. One of my friends was looking for a part time job, and they told him they aren't even looking at anyone who already has a job, because there are so many people out of work in this area. :(

My dad passed away in Feb. of last year. He had suffered so much, but I miss him tremendously. I have our last family picture on my desk at work, right in the center of my dual monitors, so I can see it every time I look down. I miss not being able to talk with him, joke around, and just love him. We were never a touchy feely family, and we never said "I love you" except maybe once or twice in my lifetime that I can recall. I really regret that. That's just the way it was. I tell my kid at least 4 times a day that I love him. I never want him to wonder or forget.

That's it for now. I'm tired. I'll try to get back soon. Life is kickin me in the butt right now, but that's life as it happens.....

God bless.

Oh yeah...

I just noticed tomorrow would be my wedding anniversary, if I was still married. It would have been 25 years. It doesn't seem possible. We were only married for 4 1/2 years. He's on #3 wife last I heard. Man, I hate being single some days. (weeks, years, decades, etc...) but I don't think I am compatible with anyone that I would want a relationship with. Maybe that's another reason I'm a little melancholy tonight.

God Bless. (and K, I hope you at least remember from time to time.)

Wow!

Well, it's been awhile. I had to dust the cobwebs out before I could get on here. A lot of things have changed, and a lot of things have stayed the same.

I got the job I went to the interview for. I started the end of November. I really like it. It's hard, and I have to use my brain a lot. I think that's a good thing to keep the brain cells firing for when I get old. LOL. It isn't interesting to most people, nor should it be. Hahaha. My job title is RMA specialist and I work for a dental company. A lot of it is boring, but I still like it. It's frustrating at times, but what isn't? I wonder how some people can even get themselves out of bed some days with some of the stuff I deal with. It just makes me feel better about myself in general. :)

Anyway, it's great to have a paycheck again, and it's a great company to work for. My boss is great. The people I work with are fun. The drive is a long one, over an hour, but I enjoy it unless the weather is bad, or threatening to be bad. It gives me a lot of time to think. Sometimes it's a good thing, and sometimes not so good.

Today I was really feeling sorry for myself. I got my taxes done Saturday. I was concerned I was going to have to pay in, which luckily I didn't. I only get back about $250 total, and it cost me $125 to get them done. Yeah, that sucked. At least I know they are right. Next year I should be able to do them myself again. I cashed out my IRA last year, so I was concerned about that. I would rather be right and broke than wrong and owing the government money. I was hoping to get enough to pay my propane bill. That didn't happen. I own $905 for one fill of my tank, and I'm almost on empty again. I don't know what to do. I usually go through 3 tankfuls a winter, but have stretched this one tank out as far as it will go. I wear my robe over my clothes when I'm home, and make sure we have something on our feet at all times. I don't know if they will deliver till I pay on it. I need to call them and see. I could put it on my charge card, but cripes. My payments will go up more, and I can barely pay it now. I had to get a car or I wouldn't have been able to make it to work. I was spending $100 a week on gas when I was driving the truck. Now it's $50. I have to pay babysitting, which I didn't before, so that's taking a chunk. Even though I'm making decent money an hour, my insurance through work is costing me over $300 a month. I can't even afford to take the time off to go to the dr so I'm paying for insurance I don't have time to use.

I know it will work out. I know God will take care of me. He always has. I am getting discouraged, especially when they tacked on a 30 day past due fee on my propane bill. :( My homeowners insurance is coming up, and time to renew the license for the truck. Everyone wants money, and I don't have it to give. Keep me in your prayers please.

God Bless.

Realizations

I have had an epiphany.

I have been a spectator in my life, and not an active participant. I only do things when forced to. That's not a good thing, most of the time. I waited to buy a home when I got pregnant, thinking before that my knight in shining armor would ride up and take me away. (sorta. LOL) I just thought since I assumed I would get in a relationship, it would be easier if there was only one actual mortgage to deal with, presumably his. Yeah well, man plans, God laughs. Anyway, I am now the proud owner of a home, so I am happy that I was forced into that.

I started on this diet and exercise plan, because I need to find a job, and was afraid no one would hire me. Well, I now have the wind in my sails, and am going great guns on the diet again. I never stopped the diet, I just stopped losing. I have been stalled for a long time now. I have decided I am going to lose at least 8 lbs by Halloween, and another 24 by Christmas. It will happen. I am so excited to be that weight by Christmas. :)

Why the change, you ask? (I heard you. It's not just the voices in my head. LOL) Anyway, I heard about a DVD I wanted to see, so I rented it. It's called The Secret. I know, I KNOW. Most of it is crap. But what got me to thinking, was if you replace the "I have the power", "I form my own destiny" crap with "God has the power", "God forms my destiny" it makes so much sense. All this time I believed it, but I haven't LIVED it. If I trust God, then why do I let things get me down like they do? I end up having a pity party for myself, which accomplishes NOTHING. If I truly had faith, it would show. I plan on it showing from here on out.

After I had this epiphany, I said one of my down-on-my-knees prayers. I find myself doing that a lot more frequently lately. I prayed about the change in attitude, the job, etc. Within 24 hours I got a call for a job interview. God is working already, and I trust the outcome. I am so excited about this interview.

Today I worked on my "Couch to 5 K" program I tried to start a few weeks ago, and did a lot better than last time. (Google it, thats how I found it) I will just do it till I improve enough to go to the next step. Being as heavy as I am, I can't complete the first week yet. You have to walk briskly for 5 minutes, then a slow run for 60 seconds, then walk for 90 seconds, then run/walk/run/walk for about 8 times total. The last part is a 5 minute cool down walk. The first time, I did the 5 minutes, jog for about 30 seconds, then walked back to the car. LOL. Today I walked, jogged for about 45 seconds, walked till it got to the 3rd set of jogging, (I walked through the 2nd one) and then jogged the 5th one. Although I never did a full minute at a time jogging, I am doing better. The whole thing should only take 20 -30 minutes if done properly. I will do it one of these days. It said to do that 3 times a week, but not in a row. I am planning on doing it again on Tuesday. We go to the local state park, but I am always looking around to make sure no one is around when I run. I don't mind powerwalking with people around, but the pitiful attempt I make at jogging, well, that's another story. LOL

I fixed my hair today, to see what I am going to do with it tomorrow. I also used a depilatory on my upper lip, and I burned it. LOL Now it looks like I have chapped lips. Geesh. I hope it fades out by tomorrow. I tried on my clothes for my interview, and my son would have wolf whistled if he could have. :) I feel like I have awoken. I am primed and ready to go.

:) Keep me and my interview in your prayers please. God bless!

A letter to my uncle....

Dear Uncle Bob,

I love you so. You have been more like a father to me than my own at times. I will miss your humor, your sarcasm, your smile (which usually meant you were up to no good, lol) and your voice. I think the last phone conversation I had with you was when you yelled at me for not charging for the webpage for a church. LOL. I know you were thinking of me and my income needs, but I was thinking of doing something for God's family and not taking money for doing it. I hope you can see my heart now, and know why.

I sat around the table with your children yesterday. They were going through the pictures of your life. There were so many pictures of you doing the things you loved. Wordworking, painting, decorating your son's wedding cake, playing with numerous children, including my own, riding a go-cart you had just fixed, and tons of other things. I found a wonderful one of you rolling around on the floor with my son when he was about 6 months old. They were telling great stories about you. Laughter, mixed with the tears. You are so loved. I hope you realized that while you were here. I think you did.

Don't worry about your wife. She is a great woman, but you realized that a very long time ago. We will take care of her. She misses you. She said it will probably really hit her after she goes to bed, then gets up to check on you and you won't be there. Your middle child and her daughter are staying with her for now, so rest assured she will be surrounded by those she loves, and those that love her.

I cry because I am going to miss you. I know its selfish, and I am SO glad you aren't hurting anymore. Give my mom a great big hug from me. Tell her all about my son. I'm sure she knows and watches us too, but it warms my heart to think about you two up there exchanging stories. I'm going to miss you terribly, and will think of you often with heartfelt love, respect, and gratitude.

I love you. See ya later.
God Bless.

*My uncle passed at 12:20 pm August 25th, less than 12 hours after my plea to God. Thank you God, for ending his suffering.*

Dear God...

Dear God,

First, I want to thank you for all of the blessings you have given me. I have a wonderful son, wonderful family, friends, and just so much to be thankful for. I get to see the sun rise in the morning, and set at night. I get to hear the crickets chirping, and feel the warmth of a touch. There are so many who don’t have that, and I am truly thankful. I may complain about my car falling apart, my home needing major repairs, but they are drivable and livable, and for that I am thankful.

I want to thank you for my uncle who is failing quickly, and ask you to put a tender hand on him and his family. It’s so hard to watch him suffer. Please give us all comfort and don’t let him hurt. He and my aunt has had 50 years together, and its so hard on both of them to part even for a little while. He is tired, and has fought a good battle. When I was a little kid, I was scared to death of him. I would hear my parents talking about how he beat his children. The bruises I would see on them were horrendous. Then he found You. He loves you so. I could tell the minute I saw him after finding you that his life was changed forever. He wasn’t scary any more.. When my son was newborn and had colic, he was the only one that could hold him and calm him. Sometimes I would call 9:00 at night and ask if I could bring my son over because I was ready to tear my hair out from all the crying. Once there, he would carry him around the house, talking softly, and G would relax, the angry lines would leave his face, and he would sleep. No matter how many times me or anybody else tried that, it didn’t work. Only my uncle could do that. His children, now grown, adore him They are so terribly sad watching him suffer. He went from a scary abuser to a sweet giant teddy bear who would give you the shirt off his back. I love him so, and feel such pain seeing what he is going through, and what his wife is going through. Please Father, don’t let him suffer long.

I want to thank you for my dad, for many of the same reasons as my uncle. We have had our ups and downs, and I love him so much. He is ready to go home as well. After all these years, he still misses mom. His health is declining, to where he is almost completely housebound. Please Father, give him rest. They say if you love someone, you have to let them go. I have to let them go. I love them so much. My heart hurts so much watching people I care about not being able to breathe well, gasping for breath with the slightest movement. It hurts to see the look of discouragement as the smallest task overwhelms them. Please Father, take them home. You know how hard it is for me to say good-bye. I have to. I know both are anxious not to hurt any more. Of course, Dad as talked about seeing Mom again. I would just love to see them laughing, and rejoicing, and not hurting anymore.

Father, I know you have a plan for me. You know I need a job. Please, show me what You want me to do, and give me the courage to do it. I am praying you will open the door you want me to go through. I keep applying, hoping the right one will be the one that calls. I don’t have much left of my retirement money. You know my financial circumstances Father. Please show me soon what you want me to do.

Father, please forgive me for my transgressions. I know I shouldn’t complain about my friends. It would be so hurtful to them if they knew. I just get so frustrated, and I feel the need to vent. Please forgive me, and help me to be a better friend. You know my friends, and you know we all need your help. Thank you Father, for my friends, and please help me control my mouth.

Father, I want to thank you for my son. I love him so very much. I worry about him not having friends in school. I worry about him fitting in. That may not be in your will. I never fit in. I think I am a good person, (well, at least most of the time.) I want to help point my son in the right direction, help him through life, and give him a soft place to fall when he needs it. Please help me to be a good parent, and please help guide my son on the right path he should take. I so want his life to be easier than mine. Please help me become more healthy so I will be around to help him, and so he knows there is always someone rooting for him.

Thank you Father, so much for all the blessings you have given me. I hope you know how truly grateful I am. Please watch over my loved ones and I. This is my plea.

In Jesus precious name,

Your daughter