Holy S$*%

Welp, I loaned my favorite Tae Bo tape to my stepmother for a day. She watched it. LOL. It was technically gone for 3 days, so I had to make do. I used Richard Simmons the first day. Not very productive. The next day, I had a choice between Tae Bo 8 minute workout, and the advanced one. I thought I could handle the 8 minute one better. Well, 4 minutes later I am huffing and puffing sitting on the couch. I kept saying "this is good for me I am getting better I am tough, I can do this." Needless to say, I went and got the basic tape back today. I can get over 1/2 way through it, but hope I didn't lose any momentum by not having it to use.

I have no schoolwork done at all this week. I was going to try to get ahead. :( Next week I will be kicking myself in the butt (or paying someone else to do it since I'm not that limber yet) The kid is out for spring break now, and tomorrow we are going to meet my friend for lunch at Denny's again. I am going to check out the low carb menu this time, or at least have the fish. I am still craving fish. I fixed some on the George Foreman grill yesterday, and it was great. No breading, no tartar sauce. Just fish. Tonight I fixed me some chicken that was herb garlic seasoned I got at walmart. Its pretty tasty too.

My son decided where he wants to go for vacation this year. He decided on France. Why? I have no idea. He just thinks it would be a good time. Of course, we don't have the money. He said we can use his. He thinks $100 would buy out all that Walmart has to offer and have some change left over. Nice try. I wish we could. Vacation this year may be to the zoo again. I liked that. Or the water park. If I had the guts to put on a swimming suit, it would be fun for me too. I think the guys had a real good time, and I got some great pictures. If I ever get my old computer back maybe I can get them off of there and post some. I haven't done much of the picture thing. I need to do that. I know flower season is coming up, so I may post some of them. I love taking close up pictures of flowers. Am I really that boring? Yup. :) But it makes me happy, and after all, isn't that what life is all about?

I will try to put a picture on here now. It came in an email, and I thought about printing it out and putting it on the fridge, or at least sealing the kid's box of ice cream sandwiches with it.

Yall have a good night, and God Bless (and say a prayer for that woman in the picture. That would be an awful burden to carry around.)

Day 11!

I'm keeping up so far with the exercise. I'm still not seeing any change in the scale, but I still feel better. It could have something to do with the fact that I made spaghetti last night and had some for breakfast and lunch. I still haven't convinced myself to go low carb yet. I have been doing good on the veggies though.

I am bored. And tired. I planned on doing schoolwork today, but to avoid that I cleaned out the fridge. I mean scrubbed, took out shelves, and really cleaned it out. At least the bottom half. I will save the rest for later. These were bad enough. I don't know what my son spilled in the bottom and never mentioned, but it was under the crisper on the bottom. Nasty nasty stuff.

Tomorrow I am going to go get his Easter stuff. That will take me away from schoolwork for awhile. Here I was thinking I was going to get ahead. I will get a few outlines done. I have worked on them a bit, and got the basic part done. The school website is going to be down off and on over break, so I may not get to turn them in or take the quizzes right after I am done, but those don't take long at all. I want to get ahead as much as possible in the stuff I can. I have to write a career paper, but have to get a code before I can start on it.

This has been so exciting. I think I will go to bed. If anyone wants to know about anything, just ask. I may have mentioned something and never finished. I do that sometimes.

God Bless. Kiss your loved ones.

Its different this time....

I have done my exercises 8 DAYS IN A ROW!. I think that is a new record for me. I did Tae Bo the first 7 days, and today thought I would try a Simmons tape. I think its the jealousy over Billy Blanks boobs looking a lot perkier than mine. ;) Anyway, I will probably do more later today if I get my assignment done soon as planned. Richard just doesn't have the oomph that Billy has, but I can feel it working my muscles too. I still can't see any difference in the scales, but I feel different. The fat that has always felt a part of me now feels like a coat that I can't take off. I know its still attached, but it feels separate. Maybe thats a good sign. (Or maybe I am just crazy. Thats a possibility) I am trying to have a total no carb day today, but no promises are going to be made*. I am hoping this is a turning point for me. I made my little excel chart to put measurements, weight, and a calendar to X the days I exercise. I have it set so as I put the numbers in once a week it will keep a running tab of loss of inches and poundage. I got the chart done for March and April. I plan a lifestyle change for the long term, but don't know how long I will have to keep the weekly weigh-in thing going on.

I am almost officially on Spring break. Two more assignments, and I am good to go. :) I am going to do the hard one first, since its due tonight. I hope to get it done before the kid gets home. He forgot his pill this morning, so I took it to him to school. Actually, I forgot it, but since he has been taking them for a couple of years we both should have remembered. I took the blame at school and told the secretary I should be the one to get a ticket today. She smiled. Thats what I live for, is to make people smile. G and I got in a yelling match this morning before he left. We were both yelling at each other. Not a good thing. I had told him and told him to get shoes on for the bus, get his backpack ready and get a jacket on. I heard the bus coming around the corner, and HE WASN'T READY! I, of course, over reacted like my father would have, and went in there yelling at him about how I told him and he better hurry, etc. (like that wouldn't make him stop and yell back at me, way to go Mom!) Anyway, as I am pushing him out the door and realize how awful we both sound, and don't want him leaving with me yelling at him like a banshee, I keep the same yelling awful tone, and yell, " NOW GIVE ME A KISS AND A HUG!" He had a shocked look for a second, then burst out laughing, and he has the cutest smile and devlish grin. We hugged, I apologized, and so did he. I think it was a much better send off for the day than it looked like it was going to be. He still loves me. I have to stop and listen to myself sometimes. I sound like my dad, and thats not a good thing.

*Its a good thing I didn't make any promises. We ended up going to Denny's for dinner. I had never been there, and ended up having the chicken fried steak. I could feel my arteries clogging. I think that taught me a lesson.

Time to crack the books. I won't get it done if I don't get started. Y'all have a great day, God Bless, and listen to yourself sometime. It might make a difference.

Day 4....

I am shocked and amazed. I have done TaeBo 4 days in a row. Of course, I am still working up to being able to complete the whole tape, but I am getting farther. I'm not stiff or sore, but I feel better, and thats a big Big BIG plus right there. I got my low carb book back from my stepmother. I had let her borrow it for so long she thought my sister had given it to them. I wonder if she has my other one too???? Oh well, it will be awhile before I work my way through this one, and of course there are tons of recipes online.

I barely finished my computer logic work in time tonight. I got it finished at 10:39 and it was due at 11:00. I almost gave up more than a few times, but kept going with the "I will give it one more shot" routine, and by jove it worked! I may have missed a few of the questions, but I was more concerned about the coding. I have one more assignment due for Friday in that class, then its spring break! Woooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo!
In the short time since I got that assignment done I have been doing conversions of hexidecimal, binary and decimal numbers. We are having a quiz on that Wednesday. Its actually kind of fun. :) I am such a wannabe. LOL His boss has a tie that says "ties suck" in binary code, so he sent us to www.thinkgeek.com and they have tons of cool things there. I wonder if dear old b'f would get me a gift certificate for there? (a dog sweater that says "people are stupid" in binary, a lighted snowman or christmas tree that work off of usb. LOL. I had a blast looking at all the stuff there

I think I am going to go to bed. I have more work to do tomorrow, more TaeBo to do, and a test and a quiz to do online. Hug your family/pets/friends/ etc.
God Bless.

My fears.

I have been comtemplating the diet thing. I know I should just jump right in and get started. I have been preparing, and preparing, and preparing some more. I found an awesome website to go to for tips, support, recipes, etc. I have been getting the groceries, supplements, exercise tapes that I truly enjoyed when I used it yesterday for the first time. So why don't I want to start? Even going low carb, I know I will miss Pizza Hut, Burger King, McD's, etc, but I think missing pizza is only a small portion of the problem. Mac and cheese withdrawal, pasta salad, spaghetti, those are part too. But thats not it. Could it possibly be the fear of failure????????? Do I want to feel better? Do I want to look better? Could it be that if I start looking better, that I may actually attract men who may only want me for sex? (That part sounds more like a dream come true. LOL) What if I get hurt again? I think I keep this fat hanging around to cushion me from the temptation. If no one is tempted to care, then I won't be tempted to care either. Its so much easier to go out with someone I don't really love. I can't get hurt that way.

If I dwell on the dark side of my life, it seems that the people I love the most died, or just walked away. Except for my son, and when I try to picture him older, I can't, and I think its a blessing every day I get to spend with him. I expect one day for him not to walk through the door. I know he too will be taken from me. Then you can bury me with him, cos there will be no reason for me to go on. I just have to enjoy the time we have.

I'm not sure where all this is coming from. I think its just been my relunctance to get started on this diet, and trying to figure out why. It could open up some new challenges for me, but would that be so bad? I really want to feel better. I really do. I get tired of wheezing and trying to hide it. I think thats why I started getting to school even earlier. Its quite a walk from the parking lot to the building, and that way I can get there and get my breathing under control before any of the gang get there. How very very sad and pathetic. I am tired of feeling pathetic. Action needs to be taken, but am I woman enough to do it???? I have survived a lot of crap. Can I not survive being too sexy for my own good? (I had to think of it like that. When I get on a good diet and lose a few pounds I turn into a sex freak.) I think a lot of that is attitude, and of course the physical part of feeling better.

I am trying to make myself believe there is no downside. A big concern of mine is this: what if I still don't succeed even after losing weight? It has been my protector for so long, my crutch, something to blame if something didn't go my way. It was never "my" fault, it was because I was fat. Ahhhhhhh. Thats the problem. I will have to be more accountable for my life. Its so much easier to blame a flaw. I know my weight has held me back, but what if I am not the person I think I am? How much has been the weight, and how much has been me personally? When I quit smoking, I thought the breathing thing would be better. Then I realized how much of it was the weight and not the smoking. Oh sure, smoking was a big part of it. But not all of it. It's been 5 years since I quit smoking, and I don't seem to have any long term effects from it. Now its just the gross fat that encases my svelte self locked up inside. I don't feel fat in my head. When I dream I am not fat in my dreams. I can see my feet in my dreams. (without propping them up in front of me even) Usually I put off the diet thing for less stressful times, cos I know it will be like a full time job till I get the routine down. Now I am afraid if I don't get started, my son will be the one feeling that everyone he has loved has died or walked away. We talk about his dad sometime, and I know he thinks about that sometimes. I don't want to say anything bad about his dad, but don't want to praise virtues that he doesn't have. What if I lose all this excess weight, and then get hit by a car? ( Like that is a big concern, its just a pause to put off getting started)

I have some decisions to make. I feel better and more energetic already since I did the TaeBo yesterday. I keep this up and I will be able to whoop ass soon. :)

God Bless those who take care of themselves, and especially those who are afraid to.

All caught up...

I barely got my homework done in time yesterday. I had one class done by noon, but the other one totally had me lost. Logic didn't seem very logical to me. (Sometimes I crack myself up, and no, that wasn't one of them. Sometimes I am embarrassed to be seen with me. Anyway, I got my grade today, I got an A on the one I had done by noon, but got 17.5 out of 23 on the one I was totally lost on. If she grades on a curve I should do pretty good I think. There were people posting on the board that didn't have a clue at 10:00 and it was due at 11:00. I don't feel so bad when that happens. Well, bad for them, but not so bad for me.

I have declared today my own personal holiday it seems. I usually try to work on school stuff till 3 and then take a Dr. Phil break. I just now opened a book and sat it beside me, but have yet to look at it. One more hour and it will be time for a break. LOL I have 3 assignments due Monday, so I should really start cracking.

Tonight me and the kid are going to meet my friend for dinner that recently got her heart broke. I got some CD's for her grandsons who just got a new computer. They are in preschool and kindergarten so we went through G's computer stuff. Of course, this is the friend that brags about everything, and was telling me how one of her friends sent her money since she was down on her luck. She is living rent free, and gets almost as much unemployment as I do. She is finally getting cable hooked up for her computer, since she can afford it, so now I will get emails that are too huge for my teeny tiny dial up, and hear, "oh, I'm sorry. I forgot". I am glad she can use me to make herself feel better, just don't tell me. :( Oh well, it takes all kinds to make the world go around.

I have been thinking about my past alot lately. I'm not sure why. Old boyfriends, my mom and her last summer with us, growing up in general. I may be posting some on it, if nothing else just to exorsize some of it from my brain. I get sad about the boyfriend part, and I miss my mother, but at least she is out of pain. It makes me sad my son and her have never got to meet, at least so far. She was a wonderful person. She always will be in my heart. That will be for another day.

God Bless.

Another test down the tubes....

I just took the Visual Basic test. I got a C. Again. I studied all day. I typed out all the homework questions we have had (5 pages typewritten, highlighted, formatted impeccably, I might add) with the correct answers. I printed out all the power point frames and read and marked them all up so I could remember it better, and still got a crappy C. I expect so much better from myself. That makes me "average" and I hate being average. I got an A on my hardware test, and I need to figure up what I am getting so far in Networking. I hope to find out how I did on the test in that one tomorrow. Thats the one I dreaded the most. Who would have ever thought that at 45 years old I would be worried about GRADES???? I wasn't even worried about them when I was a kid. Man, how things change. Back to homework.
God bless those that teach to the ones that can't learn. :(