Its different this time....

I have done my exercises 8 DAYS IN A ROW!. I think that is a new record for me. I did Tae Bo the first 7 days, and today thought I would try a Simmons tape. I think its the jealousy over Billy Blanks boobs looking a lot perkier than mine. ;) Anyway, I will probably do more later today if I get my assignment done soon as planned. Richard just doesn't have the oomph that Billy has, but I can feel it working my muscles too. I still can't see any difference in the scales, but I feel different. The fat that has always felt a part of me now feels like a coat that I can't take off. I know its still attached, but it feels separate. Maybe thats a good sign. (Or maybe I am just crazy. Thats a possibility) I am trying to have a total no carb day today, but no promises are going to be made*. I am hoping this is a turning point for me. I made my little excel chart to put measurements, weight, and a calendar to X the days I exercise. I have it set so as I put the numbers in once a week it will keep a running tab of loss of inches and poundage. I got the chart done for March and April. I plan a lifestyle change for the long term, but don't know how long I will have to keep the weekly weigh-in thing going on.

I am almost officially on Spring break. Two more assignments, and I am good to go. :) I am going to do the hard one first, since its due tonight. I hope to get it done before the kid gets home. He forgot his pill this morning, so I took it to him to school. Actually, I forgot it, but since he has been taking them for a couple of years we both should have remembered. I took the blame at school and told the secretary I should be the one to get a ticket today. She smiled. Thats what I live for, is to make people smile. G and I got in a yelling match this morning before he left. We were both yelling at each other. Not a good thing. I had told him and told him to get shoes on for the bus, get his backpack ready and get a jacket on. I heard the bus coming around the corner, and HE WASN'T READY! I, of course, over reacted like my father would have, and went in there yelling at him about how I told him and he better hurry, etc. (like that wouldn't make him stop and yell back at me, way to go Mom!) Anyway, as I am pushing him out the door and realize how awful we both sound, and don't want him leaving with me yelling at him like a banshee, I keep the same yelling awful tone, and yell, " NOW GIVE ME A KISS AND A HUG!" He had a shocked look for a second, then burst out laughing, and he has the cutest smile and devlish grin. We hugged, I apologized, and so did he. I think it was a much better send off for the day than it looked like it was going to be. He still loves me. I have to stop and listen to myself sometimes. I sound like my dad, and thats not a good thing.

*Its a good thing I didn't make any promises. We ended up going to Denny's for dinner. I had never been there, and ended up having the chicken fried steak. I could feel my arteries clogging. I think that taught me a lesson.

Time to crack the books. I won't get it done if I don't get started. Y'all have a great day, God Bless, and listen to yourself sometime. It might make a difference.

Day 4....

I am shocked and amazed. I have done TaeBo 4 days in a row. Of course, I am still working up to being able to complete the whole tape, but I am getting farther. I'm not stiff or sore, but I feel better, and thats a big Big BIG plus right there. I got my low carb book back from my stepmother. I had let her borrow it for so long she thought my sister had given it to them. I wonder if she has my other one too???? Oh well, it will be awhile before I work my way through this one, and of course there are tons of recipes online.

I barely finished my computer logic work in time tonight. I got it finished at 10:39 and it was due at 11:00. I almost gave up more than a few times, but kept going with the "I will give it one more shot" routine, and by jove it worked! I may have missed a few of the questions, but I was more concerned about the coding. I have one more assignment due for Friday in that class, then its spring break! Woooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo!
In the short time since I got that assignment done I have been doing conversions of hexidecimal, binary and decimal numbers. We are having a quiz on that Wednesday. Its actually kind of fun. :) I am such a wannabe. LOL His boss has a tie that says "ties suck" in binary code, so he sent us to www.thinkgeek.com and they have tons of cool things there. I wonder if dear old b'f would get me a gift certificate for there? (a dog sweater that says "people are stupid" in binary, a lighted snowman or christmas tree that work off of usb. LOL. I had a blast looking at all the stuff there

I think I am going to go to bed. I have more work to do tomorrow, more TaeBo to do, and a test and a quiz to do online. Hug your family/pets/friends/ etc.
God Bless.

My fears.

I have been comtemplating the diet thing. I know I should just jump right in and get started. I have been preparing, and preparing, and preparing some more. I found an awesome website to go to for tips, support, recipes, etc. I have been getting the groceries, supplements, exercise tapes that I truly enjoyed when I used it yesterday for the first time. So why don't I want to start? Even going low carb, I know I will miss Pizza Hut, Burger King, McD's, etc, but I think missing pizza is only a small portion of the problem. Mac and cheese withdrawal, pasta salad, spaghetti, those are part too. But thats not it. Could it possibly be the fear of failure????????? Do I want to feel better? Do I want to look better? Could it be that if I start looking better, that I may actually attract men who may only want me for sex? (That part sounds more like a dream come true. LOL) What if I get hurt again? I think I keep this fat hanging around to cushion me from the temptation. If no one is tempted to care, then I won't be tempted to care either. Its so much easier to go out with someone I don't really love. I can't get hurt that way.

If I dwell on the dark side of my life, it seems that the people I love the most died, or just walked away. Except for my son, and when I try to picture him older, I can't, and I think its a blessing every day I get to spend with him. I expect one day for him not to walk through the door. I know he too will be taken from me. Then you can bury me with him, cos there will be no reason for me to go on. I just have to enjoy the time we have.

I'm not sure where all this is coming from. I think its just been my relunctance to get started on this diet, and trying to figure out why. It could open up some new challenges for me, but would that be so bad? I really want to feel better. I really do. I get tired of wheezing and trying to hide it. I think thats why I started getting to school even earlier. Its quite a walk from the parking lot to the building, and that way I can get there and get my breathing under control before any of the gang get there. How very very sad and pathetic. I am tired of feeling pathetic. Action needs to be taken, but am I woman enough to do it???? I have survived a lot of crap. Can I not survive being too sexy for my own good? (I had to think of it like that. When I get on a good diet and lose a few pounds I turn into a sex freak.) I think a lot of that is attitude, and of course the physical part of feeling better.

I am trying to make myself believe there is no downside. A big concern of mine is this: what if I still don't succeed even after losing weight? It has been my protector for so long, my crutch, something to blame if something didn't go my way. It was never "my" fault, it was because I was fat. Ahhhhhhh. Thats the problem. I will have to be more accountable for my life. Its so much easier to blame a flaw. I know my weight has held me back, but what if I am not the person I think I am? How much has been the weight, and how much has been me personally? When I quit smoking, I thought the breathing thing would be better. Then I realized how much of it was the weight and not the smoking. Oh sure, smoking was a big part of it. But not all of it. It's been 5 years since I quit smoking, and I don't seem to have any long term effects from it. Now its just the gross fat that encases my svelte self locked up inside. I don't feel fat in my head. When I dream I am not fat in my dreams. I can see my feet in my dreams. (without propping them up in front of me even) Usually I put off the diet thing for less stressful times, cos I know it will be like a full time job till I get the routine down. Now I am afraid if I don't get started, my son will be the one feeling that everyone he has loved has died or walked away. We talk about his dad sometime, and I know he thinks about that sometimes. I don't want to say anything bad about his dad, but don't want to praise virtues that he doesn't have. What if I lose all this excess weight, and then get hit by a car? ( Like that is a big concern, its just a pause to put off getting started)

I have some decisions to make. I feel better and more energetic already since I did the TaeBo yesterday. I keep this up and I will be able to whoop ass soon. :)

God Bless those who take care of themselves, and especially those who are afraid to.

All caught up...

I barely got my homework done in time yesterday. I had one class done by noon, but the other one totally had me lost. Logic didn't seem very logical to me. (Sometimes I crack myself up, and no, that wasn't one of them. Sometimes I am embarrassed to be seen with me. Anyway, I got my grade today, I got an A on the one I had done by noon, but got 17.5 out of 23 on the one I was totally lost on. If she grades on a curve I should do pretty good I think. There were people posting on the board that didn't have a clue at 10:00 and it was due at 11:00. I don't feel so bad when that happens. Well, bad for them, but not so bad for me.

I have declared today my own personal holiday it seems. I usually try to work on school stuff till 3 and then take a Dr. Phil break. I just now opened a book and sat it beside me, but have yet to look at it. One more hour and it will be time for a break. LOL I have 3 assignments due Monday, so I should really start cracking.

Tonight me and the kid are going to meet my friend for dinner that recently got her heart broke. I got some CD's for her grandsons who just got a new computer. They are in preschool and kindergarten so we went through G's computer stuff. Of course, this is the friend that brags about everything, and was telling me how one of her friends sent her money since she was down on her luck. She is living rent free, and gets almost as much unemployment as I do. She is finally getting cable hooked up for her computer, since she can afford it, so now I will get emails that are too huge for my teeny tiny dial up, and hear, "oh, I'm sorry. I forgot". I am glad she can use me to make herself feel better, just don't tell me. :( Oh well, it takes all kinds to make the world go around.

I have been thinking about my past alot lately. I'm not sure why. Old boyfriends, my mom and her last summer with us, growing up in general. I may be posting some on it, if nothing else just to exorsize some of it from my brain. I get sad about the boyfriend part, and I miss my mother, but at least she is out of pain. It makes me sad my son and her have never got to meet, at least so far. She was a wonderful person. She always will be in my heart. That will be for another day.

God Bless.

Another test down the tubes....

I just took the Visual Basic test. I got a C. Again. I studied all day. I typed out all the homework questions we have had (5 pages typewritten, highlighted, formatted impeccably, I might add) with the correct answers. I printed out all the power point frames and read and marked them all up so I could remember it better, and still got a crappy C. I expect so much better from myself. That makes me "average" and I hate being average. I got an A on my hardware test, and I need to figure up what I am getting so far in Networking. I hope to find out how I did on the test in that one tomorrow. Thats the one I dreaded the most. Who would have ever thought that at 45 years old I would be worried about GRADES???? I wasn't even worried about them when I was a kid. Man, how things change. Back to homework.
God bless those that teach to the ones that can't learn. :(

Takin a break

Two tests tomorrow, an outline and quiz and board postings due tomorrow night by 11 pm. A test due Tuesday night by 11 pm. My brain is fried. I have been making a study guide when I can concentrate today for my Net class, but I am feeling sick to my stomach. I know its because I am daunted at the task at hand.
I had forgotten about my strategies class assignment that was due today, until last night after b'f left when I checked the board, so I was up till 12:30 reading. I got up at 7 and finished it by 8:30, and have felt glued to the chair ever since working on my Networking class.
The strategies assignment was interesting. The instructor had us read a thing on "I create it all" about how attitude can affect how we deal with things, especially things out of our control. I live that every day of my life I feel. He wanted a journal entry about when we have used that, or how we can use that in our life. I told him that the first time for me was when I lost my daughter. I could have easily had a nervous breakdown, my whole life changed on that day. I had to struggle not to fall into the pit of total despair, clawing my way out on more than one occasion. Everyone was telling me how well I was handling it, and how strong I was. If they only knew. It was a battle, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. I blamed myself for maybe reaching up too high and thereby making the cord go around her neck while she was in my womb. I wondered if maybe I carried something too heavy and that did it. I wondered if trying to push a little while I was in labor in hopes to break my water could have done it. I honestly think my ex blamed me too. He never got to see her, and asked me later if it even looked like him. (if you aren't worthy of trust, you can't trust your partner either, in my opinion) They didn't see me when I was curled up in a little ball. They didn't know I prayed every night for years for God not to let me wake up yet another day. I had to put on the front of dealing with everything. I couldn't stay in the pit. I think that helped me, by putting up the front. Hell, I think I probably still need therapy over that whole episode. I realized that if I got in the pit, the longer I stayed, the harder the journey would be back to where I was. A few months later my ex informed me he wanted a divorce and I said no. Not till I felt I could deal with it mentally. I turned to my friends, and became a pot smokin party girl, so I didn't have to think about much at all. He didn't even like me to smoke cigarettes, so he didn't know for quite awhile. That was one of the good things about being married to a truck driver. At least for my life at the time. He thought I was screwing the whole neighborhood, but I wasn't. I didn't have sex with anyone till after he made an appointment with his attorney for the divorce and scheduled it for my birthday. I didn't think faithfulness on my part mattered after that.
It amazes my old friends that I am totally on the straight and narrow now. It shocks people who know me now when they find out I used to party. I had great wonderful friends while I was going through the divorce. They always watched out for me, and never let anyone take advantage of me, no matter what I said, or how drunk I got. I lived in a different state, and had to move due to job circumstances, and the need to escape. I kept in touch with some of them for awhile, but its hard to do.
The people that know me now can't believe I ever used to drink, smoke pot, partied at all. (I don't think I will mention the acid I took. I didn't care for it, and never wanted to do it again) I guess they think I have been this boring person that I have become for my whole entire life. I have partied with the best, and all the other parties I have been to since pale in comparison. They had my back, and I trust no one now.
I didn't send all that to my instructor. LOL. I just got real carried away. I miss some of the times when I had no worries, no responsibilities. Here is what I turned in for my assignment:

I create it all.....

I have used this particular power process for a very long time. Sometimes life throws curves and you just have to deal with it as it comes. The first instance was in 1983 when I had a child that was stillborn. Nothing I could do to change it, so I had to deal with it. It would have been easier to fall apart, which of course I did to an extent, but not to the extent others assumed I would, seeing how it was such a devastating thing in my life. My theory was that if I let myself fall into a deep depression, I would have farther “to climb” to get out of the hole I had put myself in. It was awful, it was tough, but I survived. I have since gotten a reputation for being “strong” which I don’t think I deserve, but a survivor, which I think I am.

I know the assignment only asked for one, but there have been many: my divorce following after the death of our daughter, the unplanned pregnancy with my son, the death of my mother, and some others.

My current situation is another where I have no control over, but am dealing with it. I was never a good student in school. I almost failed a few grades for lack of ambition, effort, and caring. I was just trying to get by. Now, I have been laid off of a job I had for 14 years, due to it being sent to Mexico. There is nothing I could do to change it, so I am dealing with it. I am taking advantage of the opportunity I have to go back to school, get a degree, and better myself for me and my family. I have since grown up since those fateful days back in high school, when the dream was to get married and have someone take care of me. I gave that dream up long ago. Now its time for me to take the bull by the horns and grab all the knowledge and tools I can.

end of assignment

I left out all the party stuff. I have a reputation as a boring old spinster to uphold. It surprises me that people don't know I was married at one time, or that I like sex, and great sex at that. I even had someone ask me if I was artificially inseminated when I was pregnant with my son. I don't know if she thought I was gay, or unattractive enough to not actually have a man want to bed me, or what the deal was. After my initial anger, I calmly said that I like to do some things the old fashioned way. I think its terribly funny now. I guess my cover works very well. I am a great actress I guess, if not I probably would have been committed a long time ago.

I guess this cinches it. No one I know will ever get this blog address. LOL Therapy session is over. Time to get back to studying. Now I will be daydreaming about my buddies and me playing quarters in the living room while hubby was on the road screwing lot lizards at rest areas. Ewwwwwwwwwww! It was a marriage made in hell. (he is on wife #3, I don't plan on making that mistake again.)

God Bless, and may your road be level and narrow. Its a lot safer that way.

Interesting little quiz...

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (66%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Orderliness (63%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun. Extraversion (45%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


I agree with this somewhat. Here was the next part:

clean, organized, regular, self reliant, tough, positive, high self control, very good at saving money, dislikes chaos, resolute, realist, trusting, hard working, dislikes unpredictability, prefers a technical specialized career, not worrying, respects authority, enjoys leadership, finisher, normal, optimistic, controlling, prudent, modest, adventurous, does not like to be alone, intellectual, likes the unknown, very practical, high self esteem, assertive, perfectionist, busy, altruistic

I can't agree with some of this, the money thing for instance. Thats not me. I like the normal part, that I never suspected about myself. I don't consider myself adventurous, and I love to be alone. My self esteem is a lot better than it used to be, thanks to some great friends, and also the fact that my son has survived with me for over 8 years. I am a survivor, but to be responsible for another human beings complete care is another thing. I must be doing something right. I have to agree with a lot of the other stuff. I really don't know how others see me, but I am not sure I want to know. I just thought this was a fun little quiz. If anyone dares to take it, let me know how you did.