Takin a break

Two tests tomorrow, an outline and quiz and board postings due tomorrow night by 11 pm. A test due Tuesday night by 11 pm. My brain is fried. I have been making a study guide when I can concentrate today for my Net class, but I am feeling sick to my stomach. I know its because I am daunted at the task at hand.
I had forgotten about my strategies class assignment that was due today, until last night after b'f left when I checked the board, so I was up till 12:30 reading. I got up at 7 and finished it by 8:30, and have felt glued to the chair ever since working on my Networking class.
The strategies assignment was interesting. The instructor had us read a thing on "I create it all" about how attitude can affect how we deal with things, especially things out of our control. I live that every day of my life I feel. He wanted a journal entry about when we have used that, or how we can use that in our life. I told him that the first time for me was when I lost my daughter. I could have easily had a nervous breakdown, my whole life changed on that day. I had to struggle not to fall into the pit of total despair, clawing my way out on more than one occasion. Everyone was telling me how well I was handling it, and how strong I was. If they only knew. It was a battle, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. I blamed myself for maybe reaching up too high and thereby making the cord go around her neck while she was in my womb. I wondered if maybe I carried something too heavy and that did it. I wondered if trying to push a little while I was in labor in hopes to break my water could have done it. I honestly think my ex blamed me too. He never got to see her, and asked me later if it even looked like him. (if you aren't worthy of trust, you can't trust your partner either, in my opinion) They didn't see me when I was curled up in a little ball. They didn't know I prayed every night for years for God not to let me wake up yet another day. I had to put on the front of dealing with everything. I couldn't stay in the pit. I think that helped me, by putting up the front. Hell, I think I probably still need therapy over that whole episode. I realized that if I got in the pit, the longer I stayed, the harder the journey would be back to where I was. A few months later my ex informed me he wanted a divorce and I said no. Not till I felt I could deal with it mentally. I turned to my friends, and became a pot smokin party girl, so I didn't have to think about much at all. He didn't even like me to smoke cigarettes, so he didn't know for quite awhile. That was one of the good things about being married to a truck driver. At least for my life at the time. He thought I was screwing the whole neighborhood, but I wasn't. I didn't have sex with anyone till after he made an appointment with his attorney for the divorce and scheduled it for my birthday. I didn't think faithfulness on my part mattered after that.
It amazes my old friends that I am totally on the straight and narrow now. It shocks people who know me now when they find out I used to party. I had great wonderful friends while I was going through the divorce. They always watched out for me, and never let anyone take advantage of me, no matter what I said, or how drunk I got. I lived in a different state, and had to move due to job circumstances, and the need to escape. I kept in touch with some of them for awhile, but its hard to do.
The people that know me now can't believe I ever used to drink, smoke pot, partied at all. (I don't think I will mention the acid I took. I didn't care for it, and never wanted to do it again) I guess they think I have been this boring person that I have become for my whole entire life. I have partied with the best, and all the other parties I have been to since pale in comparison. They had my back, and I trust no one now.
I didn't send all that to my instructor. LOL. I just got real carried away. I miss some of the times when I had no worries, no responsibilities. Here is what I turned in for my assignment:

I create it all.....

I have used this particular power process for a very long time. Sometimes life throws curves and you just have to deal with it as it comes. The first instance was in 1983 when I had a child that was stillborn. Nothing I could do to change it, so I had to deal with it. It would have been easier to fall apart, which of course I did to an extent, but not to the extent others assumed I would, seeing how it was such a devastating thing in my life. My theory was that if I let myself fall into a deep depression, I would have farther “to climb” to get out of the hole I had put myself in. It was awful, it was tough, but I survived. I have since gotten a reputation for being “strong” which I don’t think I deserve, but a survivor, which I think I am.

I know the assignment only asked for one, but there have been many: my divorce following after the death of our daughter, the unplanned pregnancy with my son, the death of my mother, and some others.

My current situation is another where I have no control over, but am dealing with it. I was never a good student in school. I almost failed a few grades for lack of ambition, effort, and caring. I was just trying to get by. Now, I have been laid off of a job I had for 14 years, due to it being sent to Mexico. There is nothing I could do to change it, so I am dealing with it. I am taking advantage of the opportunity I have to go back to school, get a degree, and better myself for me and my family. I have since grown up since those fateful days back in high school, when the dream was to get married and have someone take care of me. I gave that dream up long ago. Now its time for me to take the bull by the horns and grab all the knowledge and tools I can.

end of assignment

I left out all the party stuff. I have a reputation as a boring old spinster to uphold. It surprises me that people don't know I was married at one time, or that I like sex, and great sex at that. I even had someone ask me if I was artificially inseminated when I was pregnant with my son. I don't know if she thought I was gay, or unattractive enough to not actually have a man want to bed me, or what the deal was. After my initial anger, I calmly said that I like to do some things the old fashioned way. I think its terribly funny now. I guess my cover works very well. I am a great actress I guess, if not I probably would have been committed a long time ago.

I guess this cinches it. No one I know will ever get this blog address. LOL Therapy session is over. Time to get back to studying. Now I will be daydreaming about my buddies and me playing quarters in the living room while hubby was on the road screwing lot lizards at rest areas. Ewwwwwwwwwww! It was a marriage made in hell. (he is on wife #3, I don't plan on making that mistake again.)

God Bless, and may your road be level and narrow. Its a lot safer that way.

Interesting little quiz...

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (66%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Orderliness (63%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun. Extraversion (45%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


I agree with this somewhat. Here was the next part:

clean, organized, regular, self reliant, tough, positive, high self control, very good at saving money, dislikes chaos, resolute, realist, trusting, hard working, dislikes unpredictability, prefers a technical specialized career, not worrying, respects authority, enjoys leadership, finisher, normal, optimistic, controlling, prudent, modest, adventurous, does not like to be alone, intellectual, likes the unknown, very practical, high self esteem, assertive, perfectionist, busy, altruistic

I can't agree with some of this, the money thing for instance. Thats not me. I like the normal part, that I never suspected about myself. I don't consider myself adventurous, and I love to be alone. My self esteem is a lot better than it used to be, thanks to some great friends, and also the fact that my son has survived with me for over 8 years. I am a survivor, but to be responsible for another human beings complete care is another thing. I must be doing something right. I have to agree with a lot of the other stuff. I really don't know how others see me, but I am not sure I want to know. I just thought this was a fun little quiz. If anyone dares to take it, let me know how you did.

No rest for the wicked....

Well, I took a few days off of the study routine. Days that I somehow thought I deserved. Today it all came crashing down. Now, come Monday I have not one, but TWO tests. We had a test in hardware today, and will have another test chapter next week. In Network, we are having a test over 4 chapters. EEEEEKKKKKK! I have two outlines and 3 tutorials in Logic due before then too. :( Who's stupid idiotic idea was it to take a few days off????? Oh yeah. Mine. :( Back to the grindstone. Later. LOL

Tomorrow is a busy day. I get to take kitten to the vet for the first time. He is going to hate me more than he already does. He is getting declawed, and emascualated and has to spend the night at the vets. I feel sorry for him, but he is such a good cat I want to keep him around. He goes at 8, and at 8:30 the kid has a little program at school. "The Three Piggy Opera" is at 8:30, so I will be flying to the school. He said he doesn't have a part, he just sings. I told him thats a big deal, and if he keeps looking at it like its nothing, it won't be anything. He said I was just telling him that to make him feel better. He sounded so disappointed, I just want him to enjoy everything, even if he isn't first, or second. Crap. I am not doing as well in school as I thought I would. I am working my butt off, (well, except for this last week) and had real high hopes of doing better. I am going to keep reaching for the stars. If I reach, great. If I don't, maybe at least my arms will get longer. Maybe stretch out the gams a bit. LOL My b'f told me tonight that I am his hero. He said I am always striving for ways to better myself. Its better than sitting on my ass not doing anything. I want to be thinner, therefore it takes work. I want to be smarter, so it takes work. I want to have more money, etc, etc, etc. I am not the type of woman that men rescue, no matter how much I want it or need it. They all think I can do just fine on my own. Thats what I have wanted people to think for so long. There is nothing worse than appearing needy and being ignored. Therefore, I don't need anyone else. Except I do. One of my ex's told me once that I didn't need him. I told him thats when I needed him most. I told him once that he didn't need me, and he said no, but he wanted me. That was a great feeling. I was doing searches for myself on the web tonight, and people I care about. Just to see if I was there, and if they were there. I don't like being able to type a phone number in Google and have my name show up. WITH A MAP! I did that a few years ago and had it taken off. I don't show up in the yahoo search either. Thats a good thing. Anyway, I did a search on the old b'f that I found in bed with someone that I thought was a friend of mine. (yeah, I know, I had heard of it happening, but just knew it wouldn't happen to me.) :( He must have moved to wife #3's place, cos the address was different than where he lived with wife #2. I was just long term live in #2, between wife 1 and 2. (2 was my supposed friend till I found them naked together.) He left her for wife #3. I lived with him and his kids for a year, and I still really miss the kids. I think of them every birthday, and other times when I wonder how they are growing up. They were just great kids with a shitty dad. I hope they are growing up well in spite of that fact. I wasn't allowed to see them after I said goodbye. It was awful. I moved back in with my grandma and I had to go on antidepressants for awhile. She said I would cry in my sleep. Must have been bad if it woke her up. Gee, is it any wonder I don't really want a relationship?????? I don't think there is such a thing as a knight in shining armor anymore. The only man I met I can trust, I don't care for. I am not even sure about trusting him. He doesn't trust me, and my ex husband was that way. He didn't trust me and I think it was because he knew what he was doing, or trying to do. Oh well.

I have to go pay my hospital bill tomorrow. :(( I called my attorney, and he said if I had it, it would be a good idea to keep on good terms with the hospital. Its over $800, and I don't know if I will ever get it back. Pretty bad the record I had with the company and they won't take responsibility. The settlement would be nice, but I would be thrilled if they would just pay the bills. Even if they don't, I am glad I had it done. Its amazing how much difference it makes. I can play cards with my kid now, we can battle on gamecube, and my hands don't get numb at all. It just amazes me. I still have that one finger thats numb on the end that I got caught in the machine, but at least its still there. It could have been very different. He (the attorney) said I should contact the workmens comp people and ask about a permanancy settlement for it. He said he would help me if I needed him, just let him know. If I don't need him, it means more money for me, and at least they paid the bills on that one. Its wierd though. With half of it being numb, its hard to pick stuff up with it. I had to start doing my makeup a different way. When the dr. sewed it up he got the skin too tight for one thing, and said there is probably some nerve damage. No shit. LOL

Time for bed. Its a long busy day tomorrow. I have a logic assignment due tomorrow night too. Ain't life grand?????

God Bless. Even exboyfriends, wherever they may be.

Saturday morning....

I am getting out of my funk over missing Jerry. He was like a drug to me. Even though I was pushing him away, only because I didn't want to be an enabler, I thought it was for his own good. I guess it was too little, too late. Ah well. A wasted life. (ok, maybe I'm not, but am working on it. )

I got a bread machine Thursday night. Needless to say, I have wanted one for a very long time. The kid loves cinnamon raisin bread, so I will find a mix for it. I googled recipes but some of them have ingredients I have never heard of. The b'f is low carbing it, and I have been toying with the idea, so I was trying to find some low carb bread for the machine. I stumbled on a cool site that has a message board. I LOVE good message boards, so I am seriously considering taking the plunge. I know I will, but crap. I JUST GOT A BREAD MACHINE! I made a loaf of whole wheat bread yesterday, and have a mix for hawaiian bread. I am hunting some low carb mixes. I know they exist, but the small store I was at yesterday didn't have any. I don't know why I am so afraid of getting hot looking (and feeling). Its not like I can get pregnant any more. Sex was always great when I was smaller. Now I don't even want it. I think that depends a lot on the partner. Hmmmmmmmm, going for low carbs to sex in the same paragraph. (Too much coffee and wheat bread for breakfast I think. ) Maybe some pent up frustration there.

I had lunch with some of the girls I used to work with yesterday. The only one still working there is fast approaching her last day. Next Friday, and her birthday is Tuesday. She has been there about 27 years. She works part time at Walmart too, but is going to full time. I wish her well. It was great to get together. We talked about what everyone is doing. A couple of them who are barely older than me are babysitting grandkids. Not much money in that, thats for sure. One doesn't get paid at all, and I am sure the other one treats it just like a job, and gets paid. We sat at the restaurant for 3 hours. It was great.

My friend that is having a severe life change/b'f problem called me on the way home. Her b/f is out on bond now and called her. She said she didn't tell him where she moved. I don't know if she can keep it up, I think she will be seeing him again. She says she just wants to get money from him now. Maybe she didn't really love him like I thought? I told her she just needs to get away, cos any money she gets may not be kosher anyway. She didn't act like that was a concern. I just say run, run QUICKLY.

Time to get moving. I am going to dye my hair today before b'f gets here. It will be real extreme for a day or two, but I didn't want to do it before lunch yesterday, but want it somewhat "toned down" for class on Monday. It makes me feel hot, even if I don't look it. That and the colored undearwear does wonders for my disposition. I even exercised yesterday. AGAIN! :)

God Bless, and hug your loved ones.

Amazing

I treated myself when I went out shopping the other day. I got my flowers I didn't get for valentines, candy that I didn't get for valentines, and I got a Barry Manilow Cd that wasn't the live version. I like live versions sometimes, but not when its the only album I have by that artist as a rule. (Yes, I said artist, and if you are going to diss Barry, don't let me hear you.) Anyway, I've been up since 4 am. My son came and curled up with me, and for being so small, is such a bed hog I decided to get up. I put in my new Manilow Cd (Ultimate Manilow) and was just watching my WMP. Pathetic, I know, but its fascinating. I was playing with the visualizations and it just amazes me what one plunk of the chords on a piano will do, making the visualtions jump and flitter about the screen. I really enjoy technology. Its so awe inspiring how things have changed since I was a kid. I can only imagine what it would be like with a fast connection. I found out I am out of the area for DSL, but they are putting me on the wish list. :( Someday I too will be able to fly with the big boys.

With all these cool visualizations, it makes me long for the good old days of drug induced fun. I miss a lot of the fun I had back then, but responsibility is a big ummmmmmmm, responsibility. LOL The last time I was stoned was when my son was conceived, and that was over 9 years ago. Before that, it had been a few years. I was already growing up. Too many bills and not enough cash flow. I have never been the type of gal that guys bought drinks for, given flowers, and apparently chocolates. LOL. I just go out with duds. That is the problem. I went out with one guy who gave me a rose on the first date, which I thought was kind of cool, but we only saw each other twice. My son wasn't even 2 years old yet, and this guy wasn't someone I wanted to be around my kid, which meant he wasn't good enough for me either. I had to start basing things on that, because I used to hang with a lot of people that weren't good for me, but since it was just me it didn't seem to matter as much.

There has been some discussion about old flames calling back after years. I have had that happen a few times, and one guy would call every couple of years to see about getting back together. He was a sweet guy, not hard to look at, and he treated me like a woman. BUT he was an alcoholic. He would tell me he quit drinking, or needed help quitting, but he didn't really want to. One time he called and told me he quit, so I went over to visit, just to see. We had a great love affair in our earlier years, and it would have kept going if not for the drinking. I get over to his place, and he was telling me it have been almost a month since he had a drink. Of course, I sat across from him in the living room and could see the beer sitting under the coffee table with the condensation running down the can. I mentioned it to him, and he got this sheepish look. If he would have been honest, he would have had a better chance, but don't try to get back with me and lie to me the first time I see you in about 5 years. He used to call every couple of years, and then it stopped. Of course, I did the Google thing, and nothing. He had so much potential, and we treated each other really well. I just got tired of the passing out, the lying, and being with a drunk all the time. I found an obituary archive online, and checked. His name was there. :( He died 3 days after my birthday. I don't know how, but it was probably self inflicted. Such a crying shame. He was a good man, just a good man with a problem which made for stupid decisions on his part. Such a waste of a good person.

I am going to back to staring at the visualizations now. I am depressed. God bless. Kisses to Jerry, wherever you are. :(

Whats wrong with me?

I don't think of myself as overly sensitive. Most of the time I don't feel I am sensitive enough. Sometimes I feign caring about something that really doesn't matter to me. I can't think of any particular incident, but its standard for me.

That said, there are two things that can make me cry within seconds. One I can understand, but the other I have no clue. When I see a baby, the tears start. I know this has to relate to the daughter I had that was stillborn. I don't necesarily think about her in the moment, but I know its close to the surface. Today I saw my aunts great grandson at Walmart. He is 2 months old today. I didn't cry in front of the mom, but I started choking up. She probably thinks I am a real flake. Either that or she thinks I have a cold. I will go with that one. I understand that one.

Since that one makes sense, at least to me, this next one doesn't. I have had uncles in the military, but it was when I was very very little and didn't know what was going on. One uncle was in Korea, before I was born, and the other one was in Turkey, but I don't remember when. I don't consider myself overly patriotic, which may be a bad thing to say. I am grateful for my country, and I thank God there are people who are willing to risk their lives to go fight. I love my country, I just don't consider myself a flagwaver. Before this gets to sound like those boring humdrum political blogs, (which I don't completely comprehend) on to my situation. When someone sings patriotic songs, I bawl like a baby. When people say the pledge of allegiance, I lose it. I was at a Mark Lowry concert once, (one of many actually, a very very talented Christian comedian) and he did a tribute to the branches of the military. When he said the name of the branch, he wanted the men in the audience to stand up so they could be applauded. I was a mess. I am a strong person, and felt very odd bawling like that. People around me were wondering what was wrong, but I don't know. I can't explain my reaction. No one I know has served, except for my uncles, and that didn't effect me. I have had this reaction for years, and the first time I noticed it was at a fireworks display. Today before I went to Walmart I had planned to do some banking, but the streets were blocked off. Then it hit me. Today the local troops were coming back from Iraq. When I saw the street blocked and the people walking toward the square, I started bawling. They were walking that direction from all over town. (I had tried various routes to get to the bank, to no avail) By the time I got to Walmart, I had to sit in the car and pull myself together. I got in the store and I think I looked ok. Then I saw the baby. We talked for a few minutes, and I went on with my shopping. Then they started over the intercom. " The troops are currently on route ## and about 20 minutes from town. " CRAP! I started tearing up again. A few minutes later I hear "The troops have now entered the city limits. Lets welcome our kids home. " DOUBLE CRAP! I can't even type this without bawling. Do I need therapy? Or what? What the hell is going on with me? Don't tell me I am a caring sensitive person, cos I wouldn't believe it. Did I lose someone in a war in a past life? Ooops. I don't think Christians are supposed to believe in past lives. If anyone has a clue, or an idea what I can do to stop this behavior, let me know. I feel like a freak.

God bless. Love and support your troops and your country. Wherever they/it may be.

You just never know.....

I got a call from a friend tonight. She has been madly in love with a nice looking guy that she met online quite a few months ago. Her family has met him, and they get along great. She is one of the ones that keep bragging about how great they have it. Well, her heart is broke and I just want to cry. I don't know all the particulars, but this was supposed to be her knight in shining armor, and he let her down. Badly. She was so upset when she called. She wanted to know if through the program we are on if you are allowed to transfer schools. She says she has one week to move. All those times that she bragged and bragged, and the advice she gave me about my b'f, and now this. She fell hard. She doesn't know where she is going yet, or what she is going to do, but she is a survivor. I told her I have a room she can use for awhile if she needs it, but I really pray she doesn't. I like her well enough, but I am way too hard to get along with. I had a roommate before, and we didn't speak for a long time after she moved out. Two women living together after they are as old and set in their ways as we are wouldn't be a good combination. The offer is there if she needs it though. Everything was great on Friday morning, but came crashing down sometime since then. Say some prayers for her. She thought this was "IT".

I have been doing homework all day. Literally. The other girls never got in touch with me on the lab thats due for tomorrow, so I am going to take what I have so far. I just got done with a quiz in hardware. I didn't realize it had to be done before tomorrow, but it expires at 8 am, so I got it done. The instructor is some kind of prankster. There were 15 questions and they were all worth .666 points. I am not cracked about that idea. I got my business outline and quiz done, my computer logic done, and the quiz. All today. In the morning when I get up I will work on the lab for Networking. If I am the only one working on it, my name will be the only one on it, thats for sure. I thought with all of us working on it we could have been done by Thursday or Friday.

Time for bed. Say a prayer for my friend, and her ex. Sounds like he needs it too. God Bless.