I'm afraid

I am afraid I am going to die. I was trying to go to sleep, and I got this strange feeling that I was going to have a heart attack. I have put on a lot of weight since I got laid off. No matter how hard I try, I get bigger and bigger. Its out of control. I am out of control. I know if I die, I will look down at my son and beg forgiveness for not being there for him. Will he be the one to find me dead? Will he remember what he is to do? I told him a long time ago, if there ever was a time he couldn't wake me, to go to the neighbors and tell them. I am not afraid to die, per say. I am afraid of leaving him without me in this world. I lost my mom when I was 10, and so many times I needed her. Love with my father always seemed conditional, until he got really ill. I know he loves me, but for the longest time there always seemed to be limits. I know my mom loved me, no matter what. How will he cope when he gets picked on at school? Will he be able to talk to the people that I have appointed his legal guardians? They haven't shown much interest in him to date. It just makes me really sad.

What is it going to take to get this under control? Am I going to have a heart attack and be put in the hospital first, if I even make it alive to the hospital? I am tired, but afraid to sleep. Thats not good for my health either. I am stressed to the max. I need to dump b'f, get that stress over. Now he finds out he may lose his job. It just drains me to even chat on messenger with him. I get so pissed at him so easy. It seems like he rarely ever says the right thing, at least what I think he should say. He says he's compassionate, but I don't see that at all. He whines and moans about people all the time. I am sick of it. He acts like he is the most righteous Christian, but I don't see it.

I know he doesn't want me to lose weight. He finds it threatening. He should. Celibacy is threatening to him to, and that has been in place for a very very long time. Even thinking about sex with him makes me sick to my stomach.

I am going to try to go back to bed. I am just rambling. I just don't want to die tonight.

God Bless, and Merry Christmas.

It's over

Another semester at an end. My final final was yesterday, and it was bad. I was shocked when I walked into class and found out I was getting a B, but after the final we waited for grades and I was knocked down to a C. It amazes me the people that I think are so smart and really have a handle on some of it got worse grades than me, and I KNOW I didn't have a clue.

I ended up with:

1. Access.............A
2. Visual Basic....A
3. Client...............B
4. TCP/IP...........C
   

I am so relieved its over. I have 5 classes next semester. One online again, and the rest on campus. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have the same instructor for 3 classes in a row. There is at least one guy in my class that has the same thing. I imagine we will be sick of each other. I will be in class from 9 am till 2:40 pm with 2-20 minute breaks. The instructor said one class may leave early and on other days the other class may start a little late so he can get lunch in. He wasn't going to schedule the one odd class in the middle, but so many of us needed it for our degree. It was the only open spot to stick it, so there it is. The other three days a week I have to make the drive for 1 hour long class. :( Its computer math, and only offered on campus. Only on M,W,F. It sucks, but I will have to deal with it. At least the mileage check will be great. I just get so sick of the drive. I will be on the road longer than I will be in class.

My son had Saturday school again. It doesn't feel like Saturday when that happens. B'fs Christmas program is tonight, but we can't go. There are specials on tv that I want to see, but not when the kid is grounded. I really don't watch much tv at all, and he watches too much, so really its a good thing. We are supposed to get snow tomorrow so we may not be able to go to b'fs play tomorrow either. I don't know if we will make it to church tomorrow or not. I have just been wiped out. I slept almost all day Thursday, when I should have been studying. Even if that would have happened, the things I would have been working on weren't on the test. I had been going over subnetting in my head over and over again, but there wasn't any questions on the test about it. He changed the whole test from what he told us to study the other day. One of the brainiacs that always go top notch got an 81, so I don't feel so awfully bad. I am sure he still got an A.

I have 3 weeks or rest before I require my brain to work again. Wireless, security, Psych, Math, and Server. Yeehaw. I can't wait. <---------sarcasm.

Yall have a good night, and God Bless.

No title

Here's the thing, my neice had her baby yesterday, and mom and baby girl are doing great. I am so happy for her and her husband. Of course, my brother was so out of it he called me twice to tell me. LOL

Now, the other news. My dad seems to be straightened out (finally) with the pacemaker. He was miserable when he got home, and ended up going back in the hospital for a 4 day stay to get his meds straightened out. They never changed anything, so when he came home my stepmother (who used to be a nurse) cut some of his meds in half. Dad started feeling a lot better. When they finally got in to see the dr, he told her she did the right thing. He seemed to think the hospital messed up, but I don't think he cares. My dad had a lung scan, and they are concerned about a mass he has. They told him he needed a blood test to determine if it was a fungus, or cancer. They told him a fungus could break itself up, and all would be golden. If it wasn't that, then it would be cancer, and nothing they could do. He has pulminary fibrosis, so surgery isn't an option. I was over visiting a bit ago, and they got the blood test results back. Its not fungus. :( My stepmother said they wouldn't say what it was, just what it wasn't. From what she had said before, if it wasn't one, it would be the other. I don't know if she just doesn't want to say it, or what. Thats where it stands. Dad said even if they could do something if it was cancer, after going through it with my mom, he would rather die and get it over with.

I am happy, then sad, then happy, then sad. I feel guilty for being happy, then I don't want to feel down either. Please say a prayer for my dad.

God bless.

Pretty accurate I think

Your Birthdate: July 16

You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head. You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking. People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right. You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself. Your strength: Your original approach to thinking Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others Your power color: Pale blue Your power symbol: Wavy line Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

The brain is a complex thing...

I don't know why I can't be selective on what I can remember. It seems I can only remember the unimportant stuff, and not things that really matter. I am sure there is some deep psychological reasoning about fear of failure or something. In my main PITA class at school I listen, I take notes, I record the class, but as soon as he quits talking, my mind goes blank. I am afraid I have convinced myself I can't learn it, so therefore, its not going in. Thats not a good thing. So far in the tutoring sessions I have had, it's been refreshing the tutors brain on this stuff, so it hasn't been real helpful. He just nods and tries to figure it out too, and maybe thats what I need. Its good to know that he is a graduate and it isn't something I am just not getting. He has a hard time with it too. Thank God we both didn't decide to go into the medical profession. At least this isn't life and death.

I lost b'fs mailing address when my other computer crashed. I thought I remembered it, but thought I had better ask. I guessed 704, but it was 708. The next thing that came out of my mouth shocked me as much as it did him. I said "oh yeah, 704 Houser is Archie Bunker's address." Where the hell that was stored in my brain I have no idea. I think I need a total brain dump, but there is some good stuff in there I don't want to get out. For instance, the first glimpse I got of my son, remember getting letters from my mom when she was having treatment in St. Louis for the cancer that took her life, my dad crying when she died, and crying when I lost my daughter, my dad telling me how I was strong and so much like my mother, (a better compliment could never be paid).

I guess I just have to take the good with the bad, as usual. I just wish I could pick what to remember and what not. I don't think Archie Bunker's address will help me out in life. I don't want to remember the feeling of finding one of my "friends" giving my live-in b'f oral sex. I try not to remember the last day that I got to see his kids and had to say goodbye. It hurts too much. I want to remember the important things that have escaped me, like the sound of my moms voice. I can't get that back. :(

God Bless.

It's almost over

Two weeks and this semester will be a bad dream. I got a tutor last week to help me figure out subnetting and supersubnetting enough to get me through the class. I am so tired of this one guy in the class. He never does his own homework, he said he hasn't read a page in the book. He has a relative that was in the class before who gets a kick out of doing his homework for him. He knows what's on the tests and stuff, so the guy always has a heads up. It REALLY PISSES ME OFF! I guess I care too much, because I want to know how to do it. I don't want to depend on others all the time. The few times this guy doesn't have his homework done, he comes extra early and casually asks what everyone got for #8, and then #4, etc, till he has it all filled in. Some of us get together and compare, but I don't think most know what a jerk this guy is. His grade is higher than mine, and I have been working my butt off. He schmooozzes his way through life, and I hate to be mean, but I hope it bites him in the ass.

My dad has good days and bad days. He has lost about 30 lbs since he got home from the hospital. Most of it was fluid, so he is feeling better in that respect. He still has a lot of pain with his lungs. They put him on a pain patch and Tylenol 3, but that quit working. He is taking Vicodin now. Last I heard it was helping. The lung specialist told him its either fungus in his lungs, which can break itself up eventually, or its cancer, which there is nothing they can do. He has to have a blood test to find out.

My niece hasn't had the baby yet. We are still waiting. My brother called last night while I was online, and the message didn't come through. I got offline and called him right back, since he never calls unless its unavoidable. He says he was just wanting to find out about Dad. They had called him earlier in the day but he couldn't understand the message, and they were in bed by the time he got around to calling them back. He said he will call as soon as the baby is here. (of course, the aunts and uncles on the other side of the family are notified as soon as labor is started, then they all camp out at the hospital. Maybe I am picky, but I feel unwanted.)

I better get moving. God Bless.

Thanksgiving

I think its good to remember to be thankful sometimes. I try to be thankful all the time, but a reminder doesn't hurt.

I am thankful my dad is still here, but he is hurting. I don't expect him to be here next year, and I will miss him, but he won't hurt anymore.

I am thankful my neice was able to come to dinner today. She is due any time, but she felt pretty good so she came, and I am glad. She looks great. My sister gave her my mothers wedding ring today. They both cried. I kind of resent it, since I never got it. My brother gave it to my sister, bypassing me, because he said she didn't have anything of moms. I never got anything either. When my aunt passed, I got my moms bible, which I was going to give to my niece. Now, since I know I will never get the ring, I will probably keep it. Its been a sore subject with me, but I have to just let it go. My mom passed when I was 10. I can't remember her voice anymore, but I remember the love she had for us kids.

I am thankful for my son. He can be a pain in the butt, but he is the reason I get out of bed every day.

I am thankful for my home. It needs work, like me, but it keeps us warm and dry. After not having a home for quite awhile, I really appreciate it, and the fact that I have a place to lay my head every night.

I am thankful for friends. They keep me grounded, and value my opinion (at times. LOL)

God Bless, and don't forget to be thankful. It sure helps when you count your blessings.

The Cyborg Name Generator, and Sexy Name Generator

Totally Awesome!

I saw this today posted on a message board, and I LOVE it. I thought I would share. Click here
Its got music from the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and I thought it was truly amazing. I have watched it about 10 times today. I love technology. I just ordered me (another) Christmas present. I am getting the box set of the TSO Christmas Trilogy with the DVD. :) Its going to sound great with the surround sound. I took the slow boat option, so it will take a little longer to get here, but it helps me to feel less guilty. ;)

I am making some Cincinnati style chili. I haven't had any since I lived there, and I just loved it. I found a few different recipes, but so far this one smells like the "ONE". Its simmering away on the stove right now. I am going to make coneys since I am not a spaghetti fan. Here is the recipe:

1 large onion chopped
1 pound extra-lean ground beef
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tablespoon chili powder
1 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon red (cayenne) pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 tbsp unsweetened cocoa or 1/2 ounce grated unsweetened chocolate
1 (15-ounce) can tomato sauce
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon cider vinegar
1/2 cup water
1 (16-ounce) package uncooked dried spaghetti pasta
Toppings (see below)

In a large frying pan over medium-high heat, saute onion, ground beef, garlic, and chili powder until ground beef is slightly cooked. Add allspice, cinnamon, cumin, cayene pepper, salt, unsweetened cocoa or chocolate, tomato sauce, Worcestershire sauce, cider vinegar, and water. Reduce heat to low and simmer, uncovered, 1 1/2 hours. Remove from heat.

Cook spaghetti according to package directions and transfer onto individual serving plates (small oval plates are traditional).

Ladle chili over spaghetti and serve with toppings of your choice. Oyster crackers are served in a separate container on the side.

Cincinnati chili lovers order their chili by number. Two, Three, Four, or Five Way. Let your guest create their own final product.

Two-Way Chili: Chili served on spaghetti

Three-Way Chili: Additionally topped with shredded Cheddar cheese

Four-Way Chili: Additionally topped with chopped onions

Five-Way Chili: Additionally topped with kidney beans

Makes 6 to 8 servings.

I had to stock up on spices today when I went shopping. Its nice to get fresher ones from time to time. It has to cook for another hour and 14 minutes, IF I wait that long.

God bless, and I hope you have some awesome things happen to you today.

I got called to the principals office

The last time I had to go to the office, I was 9 years old, and they wanted to know why my brother skipped school. (again) I am 46 years old, and after the phone call from the principal when I got home from class, I felt the same dread and butterflies that I felt so many years ago.

My sons teacher wants him labeled BD as a behavior problem. I am not sure what plan of action they take with that, but the principal said he doesn't want to label him. He wants to try a few things first. He said him and Gabriel have an awfully lot in common, and it seems that he had turned out to be a model citizen without taking a gun to school and offing his classmates. I am at my wits end.

God bless, and pray for my kid and me too. He needs to care, and I need to know how to deal with it.

A quiz

97% scored higher (more stupid),
1% scored the same, and
2% scored lower (less stupid).

What does this mean? You are 2% stupid. This means...

You are our next Einstein. Wow! Keep up the great thinking.

Hahahaha. It was fun, anyway. Accurate? I will let you be the judge. :)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Dad's back in the hospital as of this morning. He has been having some pain, so the dr. sent him to the ER. They are going to keep him and adjust his meds and keep an eye on him. First they thought he may have had a small heart attack, but I am not sure if thats the diagnosis now or not. He may be in for up to 4 days. I guess I will find out more later.

Tomorrow is kidlets 6 hours detention. I got a note back from the teacher, and she said in a months time, if they earn 5 tickets, its worth 2 hours. Every ticket after that is worth an extra 2 hours, and he recieved 10 tickets in October, so he should have to do 10 hours, but they are only going to enforce 6. I don't know what to do with him. He takes no responsibility for anything, and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. He is concerned over how the no tv/computer/company thing is going to go tomorrow. My b/f said I should get a lot of studying done, but I know I will have to put up with a whiny moany, pouty kid. Sometimes running away sounds like a plan. :(

I am going to bed. I sure hope the critter in the ceiling doesn't decide to keep me up again. I had a dream about it last night. Not a good thing.

God Bless, and pray for some strength for me, and my dad. Thanks.

My dad (2)....

came through great. He may be home this evening. I went to see him today after my big test. He said they had him out walking earlier. He has a slight infection, so they had him wired for antibiotics. He got done with those while I was there. I am glad. He is feeling better already, but still feels "drugged" which is understandable.

I got a note today that my son has Saturday school again this weekend. He was just there 2 weeks ago, and spent 2 hours. Somehow, in the span of 2 weeks has earned 6 HOURS detention. They said it was for behavior and no homework. He keeps saying its not his fault. He forgets, or it fell out of his folder, etc. I don't know what to believe. I plan on calling the school tomorrow and finding out how he earned 6 hours already. This really sucks.

God bless, and pray for quidance for me to be a good parent. I hate days like this. :(

My Dad

My dad is going under the knife in one hour and 15 minutes. He is getting a pacemaker put in. I am always leery about surgery, more so than other people I think. Everyone says its just routine now, and he only has to stay 24 hours. The only reason he has to stay that long is because he is on blood thinners and they are concerned about him bleeding. I hope he makes it through, and I hope it helps a lot with all of his health problems. He is tired of the fight, and he has fought. I have torn feelings. I hope and pray he makes it ok, but if he does, he is still going to have a fight on his hands. They found a bunch of nodes in his lungs, and they aren’t going to deal with that till this is “fixed.” I don’t want him to die, but I understand if he does. I’m glad we got things straightened out between us. My dad is still hard headed and stubborn, but we got past our problems with each other. It took an apology from him to clinch it for me. He was raised by an older father who didn’t know how to be a dad. He didn’t have a role model in that respect, so he did the best he could.

I called my brother yesterday to let him know about the surgery, and he is very bitter still. He feels like he and his family are picked on all the time. They aren’t picked on because they are never around. He blames dad, and dad blames them. My brother keeps talking about my niece’s heart is broke because they don’t love her. They love her a bunch, but when she is around she doesn’t talk, even when they try to engage her. She isn’t stuck up, she is basically quiet, and they don’t know how to relate to her. I, of course, blame my sister-in-law, as she started separating from the family as soon as they were married. “They” had their own family, things had changed, and they didn’t have time for us. That’s what she told me about a month after the wedding. Of course, her side of the family is so different and precious. My brother said he hated to lose me and my sister, but he had to get away from dad. Dad isn’t a bad person, he was just uneducated on the art of being a parent. He let my stepmother make too many of the decisions after my mom died, and that didn’t help any. He was in way over his head.

We have all went through our phase with dad, and not wanting to have anything to do with him. I think the only difference is, I wrote him a letter and let him know exactly how I felt. He thought I couldn’t raise a child on my own. I have since bought a house, work my ass off, and my son is now 9. I think I have done ok. My stepsister told me that he brags on me, and coming from him, that makes me feel great. He was my biggest doubter. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I would have given my son away, which is what he suggested. I had told him in the letter that I had mom long enough to know what a loving family was, and me and my son were going to be fine. I brought up a lot of issues, and how I thought he had handled them wrong. I actually got a handwritten letter from him apologizing for everything and how he didn’t know what to do. He told me how I was so strong and so much like my mother, and how much he loved her and missed her still. (that was 26 years after she had passed away.)

I am glad I did that. It got things put behind us, so we could move forward. When the property behind me went up for auction, I told them, and they now live next door. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even though their dog is spoiled more than we ever were, its nice to be able to walk over and see how they are doing. Please say a prayer, for God’s will to be done, and peace for my brother, his family, and my sister, no matter what happens.

God Bless.

I'm taking the plunge....

I went to Vitamin World last night. I think I could just about live on pills. I am weaning myself off of my hormone pills. I don't like taking them, even though I have never felt side effects. I am concerned about damage to my heart with all the trouble my dad has had, and my weight. I am taking something similar to ginkgo biloba now, called Neuro-PS. I am taking fish oil, and some joint stuff. (It was free with $30 worth of stuff) I am taking Black Cohosh and see if it helps with the menopause transition. I have heard good things about it, so I am hoping that is the route to go. Not having insurance for me really bites. I am still taking B-12, a mulitivitamin, lasix, and an aspirin (every other day on that) I think thats it. I think thats enough. Oh, I have some Billy Blanks exercise energy pills I got when I bought the DVD set off of a friend, so I took one of those this morning too. It must be working

So far, I have done a load of laundry, got dishes done, danced, Gazelled, had breakfast, and am getting ready to color my hair. I can do homework while I am waiting for it to take. I didn't have to go to class this morning, and almost have my homework done for tomorrow. We have a big test in my tough class Tuesday, so I know what I need to work on over the weekend. I also have to go through the schedule and see what I can dig up for next semester. It doesn't look very promising. I think I am going to have to go to campus all 5 days. :( I hate driving all that, and I am sure my car hates it too. The gas money will be good though. It sure won't buy me a better car, I don't think. ;)

Time to go.
God Bless. I need to go dance!

He done me proud

My boy got first prize for his age group at the Halloween costume judging. He won $5. He was so proud. He really looked great. When I went to the school for the parade there I got a lot of compliments on his costume from other moms. Being an Elvis fan, I had wanted him to be that since he was born. I could never figure the hair thing out without gluing things to his head, but this year since I found the hair, it was great. He got into character too, and had a great time. He done his mama proud. Of course, I took the batteries out of the guitar before he went to school. LOL. He probably would have got expelled.

God Bless.

Ooops

We went to a baby shower for my niece today. She looks great. She still has a little over a month to go, but she is happy and smiling. I have never seen her so happy. She has "the glow" We rode over with my stepmother, and it was enjoyable. My sister was going to be there, so my son wanted to go so he could see her.

I have never seen so many gifts. It took 2 solid hours of opening to get them all unwrapped. She got doubles of a lot of things, but luckily, I must have chose wisely, as nothing there resembled mine. Registries online are wonderful things.

My son has been watching the Blues Brothers a lot. I love the movie, and he does too. There are a few places I would rather him not notice, but he does. He knows when they say a bad word, he points it out to me. Within the first 5 minutes, they mention condoms. Sealed, and soiled. We got home, and were getting out of my stepmothers car, when he said he had a question. He said, "what does soiled mean?" I knew what he was getting at, so tried to fend him off, but he kept going. "On the Blue's brothers they talk about soiled........" I blurted out "NOT CLEAN" and my stepmother agreed. I was so afraid he would say the condom word. I don't want to have to explain sex to him yet,and therefore he would have a lot more questions about condoms. He doesn't even like girls yet.

I don't know when I need to talk to him about this. I don't think he is ready yet. He knows it takes 2 people to make a baby, but thats as far as he knows. I don't know if I am too protective, or just a lousy mom. :( Any suggestions?

God bless.

Well...

It's a good thing they took my dad to a heart center. They ran tests and found out its not his heart. Dad thought before it was his reflux or something causing him so much pain, and he might have been right all this time. They are going to run some other tests in the morning, and maybe send him home. I hope they figure out whats going on and how to make him comfortable soon.

Thanks for praying.

God Bless.

Prayer request

My dad went into the hospital Sunday night, and I didn't find out till Monday evening. They live about 100 foot from my back door. The reason they called was because they wanted me to go let the dog out. :(

He is in very poor health. He has heart problems, which is the main thing going on right now. He is diabetic. He has pulminary fibrosis, which is getting worse. He has had angioplasties, a quintuple bypass, and numerous other things done. He is tired. Somedays he wants to give up. I understand. He is ready to go. Or so I thought. He is having a pace maker put in tomorrow. I know he is doing it because my stepmother wants him to.

He had another episode about 1 am. Please pray that God's will be done. I don't want him to die, but I understand. It's so hard to see him in pain and deteriorating. He can be cantakerous, argumentitive, and downright hard to get along with. He is also the funniest man I know. We have had lots of ups and downs, to put it mildly. They had talked it over when they found out I was pregnant with G and decided that I should give him up for adoption. That really about did in our relationship for good. We made it through it, even though it was a long hard road.

I love my dad. Please pray that God's will be done.

God Bless.

A day full of surprises

My son got an aquarium for his birthday. He got it Wednesday. My parents got it for him during the day, and as soon as I got home I had to go to their house, lug it home, and get it all set up since they had ALREADY BOUGHT FISH!!!!!! They got him a couple of goldfish, which kind of spoiled it, since now we are stuck with goldfish. I knew they were getting him an aquarium, but I thought they would at least let us go fish shopping after getting it set up properly. No luck this time. They spent about $10 getting the basics, and the next night I spent $60 getting the filter, hood, etc. Now on to the next part.

He got $20 for his birthday. I let him spend it yesterday as he saw fit. He spent it all on the aquarium. He now has a skeleton in the water with his head bobbing up and down with air bubbles. It was something he really wanted, so now its his. There are other things he is wanting for it, so I told him he is going to have to earn it. He has a responsibility chart now that we just got about a week ago but never put up. He put it up yesterday and have been marking it up ever since. Today, besides going to church and his school sing program, he:

1. took out trash
2. replaced trash bag
3. brushed teeth
4. said please and thank you for meals
5. actually ate his meals
6. DID DISHES!!!!
7. cleaned up his room
8. made his bed
9. sorted through some of his tapes and sold his excess to the neighbor for her grandkids. :)

Thats about all I can think of, but thats a ton. He gets points for going to bed on time, so we will see how that goes. I told him for every 20 points he gets $1. He is on his way. He made $5 on tapes. He was going to charge $1 each, but I told him .10 would be enough. We compromised on .25, and she bought the whole lot for $5, so he is rolling in it now. Next he said he is going to go through toys and books. Since we haven't gotten rid of much since he was born, I am looking at all the extra floor space we are going to have.

We just lost one of the fish. :( We lost the only "gold" goldfish. (he has a white one, and two black and gold). We gave it a burial at sea, and he was sniffling. He has been overfeeding, so I think they are pooping too much. I told him not to be surprised if we lose others, and to slow down on the feeding. I know they always look hungry, but they will be ok.

God Bless, and thank God for responsibility charts. :)

Well rounded, or just weird?

I have always felt like I didn't belong. I don't think I am like the "normal" people that live in my area. It's just the little things, but I think that helps define the person.

I have always like classical music. Beethoven, Mozart, Wagner, Vivaldi, the classics. When we were in the 6th grade we had a reading assignment to read as many quality books as we could. I got into biographies, and one of the first was of Beethoven. I read various ones, and that was the beginning of my love of the music. I didn't realize that I could come off as odd with this enjoyment, and when it dawned on me that others didn't feel this way, I became a secret listener.

I started experimentation with plants as a young adult. Oh sure, I started slow. First was peppermint, then spearmint, lemon balm, orange mint, and a few others. Thus started my herbal tea garden. My dad came over one day after I had moved out on my own. I was listening to my Beethoven albums, and offered him a cup of herbal tea. He just shook his head, and asked me whose child I was. He said I didn't learn any of that living in his house. I took it as a compliment. I didn't learn much in his house, except how to fight with siblings and survive among step siblings. I learned how fine upstanding Christians can be so hypocritical behind the churches back, and learned what incest was all about. I was glad I was capable of gleaning other things out of life than what I was surrounded with.

My music collection is a bit outdated now. I don't care for most of the music of today. I am stuck back in my happy times. I have a good sized collection of classical, contemporary gospel (as contemporary as 9 years ago) oldies, sprinkled with all of Unkle Kracker, Kenny G, Cheap Trick, Journey, etc. (I guess those would fall under oldies to some. LOL)

I am afraid I am corrupting my son. B'f was over last night and we watched Sleepless in Seattle. He had never seen it, and I love it and was wanting to watch it again. G didn't want to watch it, and didn't keep it a secret. He was in a mood last night and talked all evening long. ALL EVENING LONG. He finally settled in to the movie. I don't know if anyone remembers the soundtrack, but its pretty enjoyable for me. Of course, I am a 46 year old woman. I noticed my son started singing. He knew the words to most of the songs. I don't know how a lot of that happened. Granted, one of the songs he learned from the Blues Brothers. He loves them as much as I do. He was even telling someone the other day that he really likes the Blues now that he knows what it is. :)

With his knowledge, and not knowing that people around here don't usually talk of such things, is he going to be considered weird like I felt all my life? Or just well rounded? I will never stop teaching him the things that will help his mind to grow. I don't want him to hide his knowledge like I did. He is truly an amazing individual. He still loves him mom, and doesn't seem embarrassed by me, yet. I imagine the day will come. But I will come home, pop in The Blues Brothers movie, and remember happier times.

God Bless.

Another sleepless night....

There are more sounds in the attic. I have no idea what it could be. It doesn't sound big enough to be a raccoon, I don't think. The contractor came over today to give me the estimate finally on the window trimming and the back porch roof. I had him take a look around the outside and he couldn't figure out where anything could get in. I called the pest control guy and he said maybe to throw some moth balls in the attic and it might deter whatever it is. Here I went and got a new roof, new front porch, mainly because I can't stand the thought of critters running in the ceiling over my head at night, and here they are again. :( No one really seems to know what to do, and I don't know myself. I did everything I know how to do. If b'f comes over tomorrow, I will have him throw the mothballs in the attic for me. I'm not going to open it up.

I should just go to bed now, but I doubt if I will sleep. I haven't been feeling well, and now my face feels hot. I haven't hardly eaten anything, and I haven't had hardly any caffiene, and my head is pounding. I took some more meds, and drank some caffiene, so I will see if that helps.

One of the girls I used to work with called me the other day and invited me to church. Its close to home, and G goes to school with some of the kids that go there. I have thought about going before, but the thought of not getting dressed till noon and sleeping in as long as possible have been too tempting. I told her I was going to call her and ask if I could go with her sometime, so it was an answer to a prayer. (probably my parents or my b'f's. LOL) I didn't even mention it to b'f. I know he will be thrilled so I should, but I am being a bitch about it I think. He will gloat, and offer to come here and go with me so he can check it out and make sure it is a good church and not some satan worshipping thing.

G had a great real birthday. I took him to class with me and he got to play on www.cartoonnetwork.com for the duration. I was glad I got to spend some time with him. He didn't use his dvd player he took with him, so we still had battery power left for the drive home. He had taken a cd to listen to as well, so we got to jam to some Big Band Swing for the 45 minute drive. A good time was had. I just can't believe he has been in my life for 9 years. In my dreams I never saw him this old, and was afraid I would lose him before now. I still think that sometimes when he gets on the bus, wondering if I will ever see him again. I think it will always be this way, till one day he won't come home.

God Bless, and hug your family and friends tight.

We love bowling!

That seemed to be the theme for the day Saturday. I took G and a couple of his buddies bowling for his birthday. He will be the big 9 this Wednesday. They had a great time. We had the bumpers set up, which turned out to be necessary. They all have their own "form" but it leaves a lot to be desired. One of the boys got the ball stuck between the bumper and the gutter. LOL. We had to have the guy come and get it out. B'f and his son were there too. It was only $30 for 2 games each. I didn't think that was too bad for 5 bowlers for an afternoon.

We came back to the house for ice cream cake from DQ. A good time was had by all. I took them home around 5, which made G mad. He wanted them to all stay the night. We had been invited to a neighbors cookout and Halloween party down the road, so I wanted to drop in there later. I have lived in this town for 9 years and don't know many. Being an extremely small town, I should know everyone by now. I am too much of a hermit so I thought it would be a good idea to go. Its my plumber and his family. We walked over about 7:30 and they had a bonfire going. It was a full moon, and the sky was really bright. B'f thought we should travel with flashlights since we were walking about 100 feet in the dark. Sometimes he makes me feel soooo old. We introduced ourselves, and his daughter took us around and showed us where the kids were all playing. I didn't realize till we got back that I didn't tell my b'f they were Mormons. I asked how he could tell, and he said he saw a giant "Book of Mormon" on the table when we went in the house. Well, yeah, that would do it. He, being the authority on all thing religious, looked at me like I took him to a sex show or something. I think he thinks since I don't go to church, I am therefore ungodly, and am trying to lead him astray by mixing with people outside of his religion. (insert giant eyeroll here)

We were chatting on yahoo last night, and he told me that he got some bad news, but he didn't want to spoil the party. He is getting his wages garnished for a debt he was taken to court for 2 years ago. They told him he had to pay a certain amount a week, but he was "hoping to work out a deal" so all this time he hasn't been paying. So now, its going to take a chunk of cash out of his check every week. I thought all this time he had been getting it paid down. He said he found out Thursday. I told him I knew something was bothering him but wasn't sure what. Thats when he said he saw the wine coolers in the fridge again, and that made his mood worse. I told him how they had been in there for 6 months. I don't think he believes me. I don't care. I keep thinking some evening I will have one to relax with, and then I forget. Booze lasts me a very long time. LOL

B'f said he probably won't be able to come over as much since this garnish thing. With the gas prices, and winter coming, its going to be tough for him. I wish I could help him out, but he won't help himself. He waits for someone to bail him out, and its not going to be me. He knows what he should have been doing all along, and it was his choice not to. I am hoping this is about the end of the relationship. Maybe the wine coolers will put him over the edge. I didn't do that on purpose, I just don't think there is anything wrong with it, as long as its not to excess. I don't think 6 wine coolers in about a years time is excessive.

I need to get ready for school.
God Bless. Even people of religions other than my own.

Frustration

My friend Molly has a bad depression problem. She worries constantly, and if she can’t find something specific to worry about, she makes up stuff. No kidding. She has perfected worrying as a new art form. I don’t know what I can do to help her, but she seems to be addicted to it.

We found out we were getting laid off a year before it happened. They kept having meetings with all the “associates” to let us know what was going on, what options we had, etc. I started taking night classes to get myself prepared. (usually prepared is not how I see myself, but if I am forced into something, I can usually deal with it)

I don’t think I am a strong person. I have found if you bend in circumstances, that you won’t break, so I try to be flexible. Not so for my friend. She worried the whole time about what she was going to do, but that was all she did. Worry. She kept saying “what if…. What if….. what if……” She is going to what if… herself to death I am afraid. She made no plans, started school a semester behind when she should have, and now won’t have the funding to finish out her degree.

I have tried to help her relax, talking to her about calming down. I have tried to talk to her about talking to a counselor. She cries a lot. She doesn’t think anyone knows. She has such a stigma about counselors that she is afraid people will think she is crazy if she goes to one. Personally, I think she is crazy for NOT going. I need to go to counseling too, and I talked to her about it, in my case. She said “I don’t think anyone will think you are a bad person for going to counseling” with “that” tone, meaning, “People are going to think you are nuts if they find out you are going.” You know what, I told her I don’t CARE what people think, as long as it helps. She is of the old school on that.

She failed a test miserably. It brought her average for the class from an A to a D. One test. I thought she had made a mistake on figuring it out, till she told me she got a 32 on the test. She said she just froze and couldn’t do it. I told her she worries too much about it, and that causes her to freeze. I can’t talk to her like I want to, because she gets her feelings hurt so easily. She said I really hurt her feelings when I tell her she worries too much, and that makes her even more depressed. I told her worrying and depression go hand in hand a lot of times. She said she doesn’t have a problem with worrying, so how can I help her if she doesn’t even know she has a problem?

She used to be such a fun person, but she has no joy. No glimmer in the eye like she used to, and I miss that. I know life is hard, and times are tough right now. The future is uncertain, but we just keep going. That’s all we can do. I wish I had the answers…..

God Bless

My brain is dead

I can't concentrate. I thought I would Gazelle for awhile, so I did. I got out the old cd I made for exercising finally. I started out strong with Brick House. LOL . Thats quite a motivator. Then I went to Mambo #5, only because its my one of G's favorites, then Get this Party Started by Pink. I gazelled to a song by Chumbawumba that I like really well, and finished up with Think by Aretha Franklin. I feel better, and will try to THINK later. LOL

We are on a Blues Brothers kick right now. We talked about it yesterday for some reason, and went to Walmart last night and found the movie on DVD. I bet I have seen it 30 times since it came out. My son has watched it at least 3 times since 11:00 pm last night. He likes it real well, needless to say. I would like to get Blues Brothers 2000, although not as good as the first, but I really like it. I think it was great the way they didn't just gloss over the missing Jake, or just put someone else in his place. There is no other Jake Blues, nor will there every be. I am a Belushi fan, whether it be John or Jim. He is missed.

I need to try to get to work again. I have too much homework to be here.

God Bless.

I ran into an old friend....

and it was kinda wierd. ( I have been using that word a lot lately. Hmmmmmmmm.) Anyway, before I met my current b'f (which would have been close to 4 years ago I think, maybe 3) I had a friend that I used to message with some. She had some friends on her messenger from where she worked, and invited them on mine. She was married, and one of the guys was married, but the other guy was single. We used to chat from time to time, and he would bitch about women just wanting to get married, and not just wanting to have fun. I used to tell him that not all women were like that, but he was hard to convince.

Anyway, we agreed to meet solely for a booty call. My friend that introduced us didn't know, nor did any of my friends except for one or two. I thought I should tell someone just in case he turned out to be a freak or something. My son was to spend the night with a friend for the very first time in his life.

He showed up promptly, within 1/2 hour of meeting for the first time face to face we got down to business. I had to take charge a bit cos I don't think he thought I would really go through with it. Geeeesh. Do all men think they corner the market on just wanting sex for the sake of sex?
It was great. The sex could have been better, but it was the freedom of not caring if you impressed anyone, just good raw fun. He wasn't a good kisser, but made up for it in other ways. :) It was a great evening. We had just ventured upstairs after hours of downstairs play, and the phone rang. 11:30 at night and my son couldn't sleep. I had to cut the night short, and go pick up my kid. :(

I talked to the guy later, and he told me how great of a time he had, and would like to do it again, but I was dangerous. (still being fertile and all.) I told him I was trying to get surgery to fix that situation, and he said if I decided to do it, he would pay half of my out of pocket expenses. I thought that would be cool, and pretty unexpected for only a one nighter so far. I met b'f shortly thereafter and told Mr. Booty Call that I couldn't see him any more. Even if I didn't have sex with b'f, I didn't feel right.

He goes to the same school I do. I have ran into him a few times, but he didn't recognize me. He smiled and was polite, but I could see the look like "I know her from somewhere, but where?" I just smiled and said hi back, and would keep going. I get emails from him time to time, not personal ones usually, just ideas and thoughts he sends out to people he knows. I emailed him back once and mentioned seeing him. He said he was sorry he didn't see me. I didn't tell him which one I was. LOL. I guess I look different with clothes on. LOL.

I saw him again the other day. He must have put two and two together because he saw me, turned and made a beeline my way. We chatted for a few minutes, and we both left with a goofy smile. The kind that says, "yeah, I did them, and fun was had by all." It was nice to be acknowledged. And fun was had by all.

God bless. (I have asked forgiveness, so its ok. I can still appreciate the event.) ;)

Happy Saturday!

Just some little odds and ends. I got G a portable DVD player for his upcoming birthday. I usually just do the party for him, but this year he won't be getting as many gifties since we are doing a bowling thing. He is going to class with me Monday since he doesn't have school, so this will keep him entertained. He has been playing with it a lot since we got it. The bad thing is the lighter thing in the car doesn't work but we are hoping its just a fuse. The battery that came with it only runs for 2 hours, so he won't be able to watch it till he gets there, and there won't be much battery power to run it on the way home either. So far he has watched Robots, Garfield, and Popeye cartoons, and has listened to various cd's in his collection. He really likes it. I am glad.

I cleaned and cleaned on the house yesterday. The clutter is really getting to me. I can't wait to get my new storage room after the bathroom gets done. The plumber is on vacation this week but should be back Tuesday night. I usually start cleaning in the kitchen, which is where my office is (it sounds wierd, but its a huge kitchen) and I barely make it past that. This time, I started in the new bathroom, laundry room, and living room. If I need a clutter free break I just go there, inhale deeply, realize it is possible, and come back to my clutter. The storage room will help so much. I need someplace besides the kitchen to keep all school supplies and the filing cabinet.

I have my new Elvis tin picture things in my new bathroom for now. I don't know where I am going to put them, but probably in my room. I am working on the rooms up there too so when they get done with tearing the wall out and putting it back up we will be ready. It will be great when it is done.

School is going ok. I have an Access test to take anytime in the next few days. I have a lot of reading to do Monday, and need to reread some stuff for Tuesday. Thats the class I am having so much trouble in. I have quite a bit I can do before class Wednesday night, and then I have another Access assignment due Thursday. I guess I had better get crackin.

Yall have a wonderful day, and God Bless.
We are getting a touch of fall, it feels crisp, and clean. I love it.

She's back

I don't know what had happened, but her FreeFlowThought is back up. Whewwwwww. Its funny how just from reading what people write about their life, you get to care for them like a friend in real life. I have friends I have never met in real life, but we have exchanged Christmas presents, snail mail, phone calls, etc. Its nice. I know the internet has really made my world a lot bigger. I get a Christmas card from Scotland every year even though we never chat anymore.
Its a pretty amazing window to the world.

I'm just glad she is ok. Say a prayer for her friend thats having a tough road right now.

God Bless.

APB for SunGrooveTheory

I am getting worried. Her site is gone. Empty. Her profile is still there, but you can't get there from there. I checked her profile and there isn't an email on there. I hope she is ok. If anyone who ever reads this knows, post, ok? Thanks.

God Bless.

More weirdness

I was going to post about this when I woke up this morning, but it was still dark and it kind of freaked me out after I started typing. I am such a wuss. Anyway.....

A few months ago I got a new answering machine. I really like it. When the phone rings, the answering machine gives you the phone number out loud. I think that is pretty cool. That way I know if its for me or the kid before I get there. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, the phone won't ring, but the answering machine will go off, no phone number, and then goes BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP about 10 times, and then shuts off. Sometimes it wakes me up, and sometimes it doesn't. I think the outlet its in is bad, since I had trouble with a touch lamp I had in the same plug, so I attribute it a lot to location. Plus, all the phone lines in the house need reran, so I wasn't concerned about that. (too much)

Now, I got a wireless doorbell a couple of weeks ago. I love it. I hated not knowing when people would come to the door. There are 3 doors and a room between the living part of the house and the back door, and I would have to just keep listening if I was expecting someone that would use the back door. This is much better. Anyway, about two days after I got it hooked up, I was having trouble sleeping, which is normal for me. I got up about 2:30 and was playing a few games of solitare and running through email when the front doorbell goes off. Scared the crap out of me. I jumped up, ran into the living room, and turned on the porch light to see what the killer probably brandishing an ax looked like ringing my doorbell at 2:45 am. Needless to say, there was no one there. It sure got my heart racing though. A few nights later, the back doorbell went off in the middle of the night. It was about 4 am. I am trying to find a pattern, but can't. It goes off about every 2-4 days. It has dip switches on it I can change so maybe there won't be interference from cell phones or garage door openers, or aliens. I hate to have to get the ladder out to get it changed, but it really freaks me out.

Now you know what a chicken I am, and how my mind works. I am not going to say the H word or the G word, but it has crossed my mind. It didn't really cross my mind till this morning when I was getting ready to write about it.

God bless.

Weird

Freeflowthought, where did you go? I went to check out your site tonight, but it looks like the whole thing has been erased. I hope all is well and its just a glitch. I hope you got your birthday wishes, and had a great day. I hope your site gets back up soon.

God Bless

Ooops

We went to b'fs town yesterday for a parade and fall festival. There was nothing on at the theater we wanted to see, so G and I stopped at Walmart and got Robots. It was great. I love that movie and b'f laughed and laughed.

We were going to go play pool. I told him I would drive so we could leave from there. I have mega homework this weekend and honestly shouldn't have went ANYWHERE this weekend. My kid would have been majorly pissed though, and I need to get him out more. He is a social whore and I have no right to make him stay home all the time just because I want to. So we went. We couldn't shoot any pool (that place is closed more often than its open. I am surprised they can even stay in business.) Anyway, we opted to go to the local pizza eatery. While we were eating, G said that we have to make sure that whoever I marry has to like pizza. I just ignored it, for lack of anything better to say. I thought I would hear about it later, and I did.

We left right after dinner, and G was extremely mad at me. He wanted to leave like at midnight, but I have been drained. I know a lot of it is the stress from classes. I am exhausted most of the time right now, and the weight thing isn't going well. Somedays I feel too tired to breathe.

I messaged b'f as soon as we got home, and he was like "oh, you're home. I thought you had a big date." I said I did, with my homework book. Then after that it was going to be my next book, then it was going to be my next book. I am "booked up." He said that since G said that about whoever I marry means there is other options. There is, but not what he is thinking. He thinks its another man, but the options I see are to get married, or not. I choose NOT. I told him I don't know where we are going, but when G keeps telling me to get married, I have to tell him something, so I told him I don't know if its ever going to happen. Thats the truth. Well, actually, unless I go in a coma and he marries me while I am unconscious, I KNOW its not going to happen. I really don't want to hurt him, and I don't know if its just my mindset, but he is getting more and more pathetic. He keeps wanting me to feel sorry for him I think. If you don't like what is happening, CHANGE IT. Instead, he just keeps accepting everything, and giving up. DO SOMETHING. Even if its the wrong thing, at least it will be an effort. Don't just SIT THERE, saying poor poor me. I know we all go through that from time to time. I am the queen of that. But I am trying to change. I get off my ass and go to school every day. I wish that could be so different. I like school, but its very hard for me. I like learning better on my own pace. But at least I AM DOING IT.

Ok, I am going to get off my ass and go Gazelle. If this ass gets any bigger I may not be able to get off of it.

God Bless and DO something today.

My anniversary

I can't let today go by without mentioning it. It was a major turning point in my life. I felt loved, cared for, protected, adored. Yes, 27 years ago today I lost my virginity. I don't expect any signs in the front yard, no sign declaring "Happy Anniversary" on the gas station sign. There won't be any cryptic "Happy Anniversary to you on this auspicious day" blurb in the newspaper. No phone calls about it, no party hats. But I know. And I remember. The wonder, the joy, the awakening. I barely remember his last name, and I am sure he doesn't remember me at all. He probably even has grandkids by now. LOL He was a studly college student and I was a poor working girl growing up in a college town. I didn't even tell him I was a virgin. I wanted to be deflowered. And so it was done. :)

God Bless, and think about the wonder of life. Life can be amazing.

Trying something new...

I thought I would sign up for AdSense. I guess we will see what happens. I hope to move it around some as I don't like it right up there. It would be nice if it would bring in a couple of bucks, but I get no traffic so I won't bet on it. It would be nice though. Its hard cos I can't tell anyone to check it out. Then they would know it was ME.

Classes are going well, for the most part. My son got his medication bumped up a notch, because he can't focus at school. (again) I guess we will see how that goes. The scholarship reception was long and boring, but we made it through it. I felt bad for dragging G with me. I thought it would be a good thing for him to see, with me being given a scholarship. I didn't know there was going to be 350 recipients there, and they were going to read EVERY name. Needless to say, he didn't get any of his homework done that night, and got 2 tickets for it the next day. He said it was my fault that he got a Saturday school, but if he wouldn't have gotten 4 tickets before that it wouldn't have been an issue. Yes, I feel some guilt, but he had work he should have brought home Monday night instead of saving it all for an evening he knew we weren't going to be home. He is getting tired of not being able to watch any tv or play on the computer the nights he doesn't bring any work home for me to look over. He won't read, which is what I am trying to convince him to do. I invested in the Harry Potter books thinking that might lure him into reading. I told him there is even more stuff in them than in the movie. So far it hasn't worked. I made him do some math problems today, just cos. You would think he was in front of the firing squad.

I am going to close. Its going to be a long week, but better than last week I hope. It can't help but be better. I was tired and cranky after driving so much last week, between school, the reception, the dr. etc, I logged over 500 miles. I am sick of it. This will be a more normal week, thank goodness.

God Bless, and please click my link. ;)

Lately

I have been feeling "unrest". When I am in front of the computer, which I used to do a lot, I am not content like I used to be. Its harder focusing for me lately than it has in a very long time. I have been working out some, so maybe thats why. Maybe my body is just telling me to get off my ass and move. It's been working for me, but its hard to do homework while I am pedaling or gazelling.

The gazelle was my new toy I mentioned before. I had to put it together which took awhile, but I had to get on it before I even got the pistons put on. I really like it. Its like a glorified treadmill with a few extra perks. Tony Little is a little annoying on the dvd, but thats ok. I feel better. I want to get my ass and thighs nice and tight. They are better already I think. My general feeling of wellness is better too. I am still having a struggle with the water and the veggies, but I love the 3 glasses of milk a day the dr. suggested. I used to drink milk all the time, but got concerned with all the fat and stuff and quit. I think that is really helping me to feel better too. My legs aren't swelling as bad as they were either, and that was even before the gazelle. I wonder if the milk could have anything to do with it?

The kid is getting in trouble at school again. I am taking him to the dr. Thursday to see if she thinks we need to increase his meds, and if she would recommend a counselor for both of us. I am not being a good parent, and I try to put the ADD thing on the back burner so it won't be a major contention. I was hoping it would go away on its own, but thats not working. I don't know how to deal with it. I have found both of us screaming at each other, and I don't want to be that kind of parent. I don't know how much of what he is going through is a normal boy thing, an ADD thing, or if I am just such a lousy parent that he has no choice but to be a butt.

I can't talk to Molly about it, as friend to a friend. If she has a hangnail, she has to go to the dr. for bloodtests. If I am upset about something, the first question she asks is if I am taking my hormones. WTF??? My son is getting in trouble and she acts like its all in my head. "he is just a kid, all boys do that. Look at mine." Hers is in his 20's, lives at home, almost went to prison. I want help before it gets to that point. I am not being effective, and have a hard time dealing with it. I alway thought if you love your kid, and discipline them when they need it that life would be great, and no problems. I love my son so much that sometimes I just want to cry with thanks to God for putting him in my life. I do the discipline things to, but now he just wants to stand there and scream at me. (which is what I do to him sometimes, so its understandable where he learned it, but not acceptable) I need to change the way I handle it.

Time to work out and get back to the homework. Classes are going well, so I want to keep that going. God Bless.

Dear Sir,

I want you to know you are thought about. I see you every day I drive that route to school. I see you sitting on the front porch with the oxygen tubing running into the front door of your home. I give you a gentle nod daily, since you have no clue who I am. Thats ok. Sometimes I don't even know, and I have lived with me a long time.

I wonder about you. Have you done with your life what you have wanted to do? Do you have family that takes care of you? What is the affliction you have where you need oxygen? I see you wave at a few people. I know this is your social time. I worry about you when I don't see you out.

You are in my prayers.

God Bless.

I miss you

I still love you. I always will. You were a part of me. You still are. I try not to think about you daily, but you are in my heart always.

You would have been 20 years old today. 20. That seems unreal. Although I never got to hear your cry, or feel your breath, I love you. I miss you. I got to feel you move inside of me. I got to talk to you, and pass the love I felt for you through the bond we had.

I will always wonder. Would you have been a girly girl, with masses of barrettes and ribbons for your hair? Would you have let me put on little paten leather shoes with bows on them, and ruffled undies peeking out under your red little velvet dresses? Would you have had long hair with pigtails? Would you have dimples on your cheeks like me, or would you look more like your dad?

Would you have been a tomboy, skinned knees and elbows, bringing bugs in the house, dirt from head to toe? Those questions I will never get answers to.

Would you have been able to talk to me about boys, school, fights with your best friend? Would you let me help you with homework? Would you have been able to talk to me about the first time you had sex? Would we have planned your wedding already, or would you be on your way to a career? Would you call me every week to let me know how you were doing and the important things going on in your life?

I love you, I miss you. Sometimes I give your little brother an extra kiss after he falls asleep, and hopes it makes it to you. I love you my darling Bri.

God bless.

I love you

Its amazing what those words are capable of. I say it to my son a lot. He says it to me a lot. Today he confirmed that if he starts to say something and forgets what he was going to say, he uses that as filler. Thats not a good thing, but he is a kid. I say it a lot because even though I get very angry and upset sometimes, I still love him and I don't ever want him to wonder. I think I wrote before about how he was sitting quietly in the car while I was berating him for something he had done. When I paused in my tirade, he looked at the floorboard, and asked if I wished I had never had him. I never want him to have any doubt as to the love I feel for him, even if I am a butt at times.

Back in the days of old, before I got married, me and my fiance used those words all the time. When we got married, we continued. He would say it 50 times a day I think. I knew he was thinking with his head and not his heart, so I asked him once what he just said. He was like, "ummmmmmm. whaaaaaaaaaat?" I told him he had just told me he loved me, but not to say it just to be saying it, only if he meant it. It slowed down after that, but he would wink at me and stuff when he said it, so I knew it was a heart thing, and not just going on autopilot. It means so much more when you know they mean it.

He was a truck driver, gone for a couple of weeks at a time usually. We talked on the phone at least every other day, and every day on a few occaisions. (that was BC, before cellphones and free minutes.) Our phone bill on a conservative month was around $200, sometimes $300. That was a major part of our marriage, since he wasn't home. He would call in a bad mood about his job, or the dispatcher, and I would be the caring wife who listened, comiserated, and tried to make him feel better and smarter than his dispatcher or whoever was causing him grief. I wanted to be his safe haven. He started getting real cranky when he got home. Nothing was ever right. If I didn't have the yard mowed while he was gone, he would get mad. If I mowed the yard, he would get mad. (First, he said I should take care of everything, and let him rest when he was home, then it was the fact he had been looking forward to getting out and getting some exercise and sun.) The house wasn't clean enough, and when it was, all he could say was "about F'n time) :( I was too fat. But yet when I was on a diet he would hold food in front of my face if I wasn't going to have any. Talk about mixed signals. I knew he wanted out. He wanted to spread his wings and fly. I wasn't a perfect wife, but I quit smoking, went on a diet, would go on house cleaning frenzies, but he would find something else to complain about. I went back to smoking, eating, and not worrying about the house. Through most of this, on the phone he would still tell me he loved me. We would still have good conversations, and I thought we could save the marriage. I suggested counseling, but he said we didn't need it.

The first time he didn't tell me he loved me on the phone, I knew it was over. That was the end of our marriage. Up to that point I thought it could still be saved. We were married for awhile longer, as the first time he didn't tell me he loved me was 2 months after we lost our daughter during birth. They would have to have locked me up in a rubber room, so I convinced him to stay, and maybe we could work it out. I was in a major depression, but tried to put up a good front for him. Who would want to stay married to someone who cried all the time???? I never cried when he was home. I never cried when we would talk on the phone, well, usually only whenever we talked about the daughter we didn't have. Things never got any better, and two years later we divorced.

The lack of those 3 words told me the end was inevitable. For now, I don't care if my son says them without thinking. I'm glad to hear them. I want to make sure he hears if often. I love to hear him say it, even if it sometimes is an afterthought.

God Bless, and you are loved.

A crappy day

I had a crap day. It could have been worse. I shouldn't complain. But I will.

Yesterday, my son went to a friends house and went on a picnic and fishing with his family. He had a great time. When we got home after I went to pick him up, I decided to check the oil since the car had been running a little "odd". The dipstick was hot, which was a bad sign. I went to borrow oil from my parents, and all they had was lawnmower oil, but it was 10W 30, so I went ahead and used it. (about a quart) I waited till the car cooled completely, then drove 4 miles to town to get more. I put in another quart at the station, and checked when I got it home and let it set, and it was fine.

This morning I thought it would be a good idea to leave early and hit Midas for an oil change. They were too crowded and I would have been late for class, so I went after. I got there about 1 pm. They checked my tires and one was almost completely bald. I like bald men, but not bald tires. I thought I would get them at Walmart, so away I went. That was 1:45. When I pulled out of the parking lot at Midas, I heard a loud CRUNCH!!!!! I looked behind me in the rear view and didn't see anything, like pieces of my car, a stream of oil, a person, a dog, or anything. The one way streets on that corner are a zoo, and it was easier just to go on to Walmart. I called Midas from there and told them what happened and it had done it to me twice, not just that once. She said bring it back after the tire deal, or bring it back now. I thought since I was there, I would get the tires. They got done at 5 pm. I was there for over 3 FREAKIN HOURS. I didn't need anything at Walmart. I just walked around, and walked around, and walked around. Then I walked around some more. I ended up with a new cordless phone for the kitchen, with another handset for upstairs. I have been wanting one for a long long time. Thats one of the reasons I won't sleep up there is lack of phonage. They are charging now, and they are pretty. :)
Then, Toy Story 10th Anniversary Edition came out today. :) Its mine now. Everyone thinks I get all these movies for my son. I bought the tape when it was first released, and my son is only 8. I think you can do the math. :) (Sometimes when he wants me to watch tv with him, he will try to entice me with Beauty and the Beast. Sometimes it works. ;) ) Then, I got a shoe rack for all of our shoes we keep moving from place to place. I thought this would help, and its also been something I have wanted to get organized for a long time. That plus the tires, plus the oil change at Midas was the extent of my purchases today. (about $200 more than I had intended to spend when I woke up this morning. )

I took the car back to Midas and had to wait for them to do another oil change before they could look at it. This was about 5:15, and they close at 6. I had stopped at Hardees today for lunch and the car bottomed out when I was going into the parking lot. Apparently I had broken some swag thing under the front of the car right at the axle. She showed me a nice picture, and said its not dangerous, but it sounds like crap, and it could damage the boot if not fixed. My appointment is at 11:30 tomorrow, after class. Grrrrrrrrrrr. Of course I am going to get it fixed. It sounds like the motor is trying to fall out.

I got home at 6:30. G's bedtime was going to be 7:30 since he has been a superbrat to get up in the morning, but he made it at 8:15. Poor kid only had a pb&j before I got home. Its not my parents fault. He doesn't like to eat anything, and I am sure they were glad they got him to even eat that.

Now I have to study for a quiz, but what I want to do is pop in Toy Story in the computer and check out all the special stuff. I can't tomorrow night cos I have class. Thursday would be the soonest, and I am expecting my new toy that day. More about that later.

My problems are so petty compared to many many others. I need to keep that in mind.

God Bless.

Weird times

Things are real weird right now. People fighting, arguing, etc. I have seen some awesome things in the last few days, people helping people from the hurricane area, opening their homes, their pocket books, etc. I go to a message board and they are fighting like cats and dogs. Its really sad to see. I don't know what is up with people these days. They should be happy they are alive and have a roof over their heads.

I hope to be back to my boring old self in a few days. I wish I could fix what is happening. It's really awful what is going on all over.

God bless, and count your blessings.

I don't know what to say....

The scenes on the news are awful. Katrina destroyed so much. I can't imagine what those people and their families are going through. My prayers are with all of them.

God Bless

Wanted: Dream interpretation

I awoke yesterday morning from a nightmare. It just came back while I was getting ready for school.

I was sitting in math class, and the instructor was showing us some stuff on the calculator on the overhead. (I never saw the teacher, but I could hear her, and see her hands and the calc on the screen.) She was telling us how important the X key was, and was telling us that this part was extremely important: You push the -1 key, then the X key to make the - disappear, and the 1 would disappear with it. You can't see its there, but its terribly important, and can make a big difference in every equation. I kept pushing buttons on my calculator, but it wasn't working. I was searching frantically for the X key, which looked like a Y7 key, and not an X at all, but thats what she called it. She kept going on about how important this was. My mind was working thinking what would happen if I am in the real world doing real things with my calculator, and I used that -1 key X key function by mistake??? Everything could be wrong. You can't check to see if its there, because if done correctly, it doesn't show up.

I finally got it to work. Once. I woke up in a sweat afraid to go back to sleep.

I have a couple of problems with this dream. One, I am not even IN a math class this semester. Two, does it mean I will have trouble in my other classes, or is it more related to daily life than to school? If anyone has any pearls of wisdom, I would appreciate it. There are tons of more questions running through my head, but thats enough for now.

God Bless

Hmmmmmmmmmm

I wonder how much training these instructors get when they start doing an online class. Our instructor still isn't letting the board know that there is no pretest, or she may open it later. I emailed her about it, since I am a fanatic about getting my stuff done on time or early for my online courses. She emailed me back, but there are 9 posts of people looking for the pretest. I assumed when she had decided she would let the board know. I am afraid if I relate what she said to me in an email that she may change her mind and I will look like a busybody or something.

I emailed her the other day and asked how do we attach our name to our assignments. She answered "hmmmmmmmmmmm, good question. Of course put your name on it." I waited a couple of days, then asked her if she wanted us to put it in our filename before we submit it. She emailed back that it sounded like a good idea. She is leaving the country in a few days and will be gone for about 10 days. It would be nice if she would let everyone know whats going on.
Our first assignment isn't due till the 15th, but its very interesting so I have the first 2 done already.

I should be reading for my other class. Holy crap is that messed up. I can't even decipher what I am reading most of the time. Soooooo, I spend less time on something I should be spending more on, and more time on something thats not even due yet. Its going to be a great semester.

God Bless

Insert title here

I can't think of one.

School is going ok. I have a ton of reading, but yesterday I couldn't comprehend what I was reading so I opted for Access homework instead. I think I am going to like that. I hope the instructor steps up to the plate soon. People on the board are asking questions and she isn't answering the board. I hope she didn't learn her online habits from the train wreck of an instructor I had last spring.

It's a no b'f weekend again, which is great. He had a big church thing this weekend. His church is one that is very ordered and organized. The church I grew up in wasn't. His church has like district managers and stuff, and that seems very foreign to me. He is thinking about quitting the church board, and I am dying to find out whats going on, but he hasn't said. He just said he should be able to stand behind the pastor 100%, and the pastor did something and he can't stand behind it. He won't tell me what "IT" is, so of course my curiosity is aroused. I honestly don't know how serious of an issue it is, because b'f has been known to get wound up over things that don't need to be wound up about, so I have no clue. (like treating me like I should go to rehab because I drink up to 4 wine coolers a year)

I guess I should go back to bed. I can't concentrate right now, so I need to get some sleep so I can read that boring 60 page chapter later. Why oh why can't someone write these books with more sense of humor and less geekspeak? Well, ok, so it IS for school, and schools probably wouldn't buy them. Its like trying to swallow the Sahara Desert, one bite at a time.

God Bless

Day Two...

of classes. So far so good. I have sampled 3 out of 4 classes. I have reading due tomorrow from my very structured, very anal retentive network instructor. The terribly unstructured, easily confused instructor I had today doesn't care if we read the book or not, doesn't care if we show up or not, but informed us that it is in our best interest to do both. He gets sidetracked easily, and keeps asking where he was at. I think part of that is to see who is paying attention. I had my little voice recorder and am going to take down every word he says. I have heard horror stories about his class, and I know its going to be a challenge.

My online class is different. This instructor is using another instructors stuff, and she isn't sure how it all works. I am almost 100% sure this is the first online class she has taught. She lives close but I don't think I have ever met her, being the unsocial person that I am. Our first assignment isn't due till the middle of Sept, but I am going to try to do it Friday of this week, so I can get a jump on stuff. I will be getting bogged down later, and am going to try to put that off as long as possible.

Tomorrow night is my VB class. I am looking forward to it, but Molly is not. I told her she can sit by me as long as she doesn't bug me. LOL. I hope she doesn't take offense, but I do mean it. I will have to pay attention. I am hoping this instructor is going to be a lot better than the one from the Spring semester. She really sucked.

Time to get my reading done for tomorrow. God Bless.

Ruined

I bought some ribeyes to use on my new gas grill. I got enough for my parents, b'f, his son, and me. (G says he is vegetarian even though he won't eat vegetables.) I haven't had a good steak in forever, and b'f commented that he hasn't either. Its not often I can afford more than burgers for the grill so this was going to be a real treat.

I know people differ, and peoples taste differs. I sometimes wish I was vegetarian, but sometimes I just get the taste for a good old thick piece of steak. I got a steak rub, which I didn't use on mine cos I wanted it in its purest form. I didn't even use salt, and cooked it so it was a light pink in the middle. Perfection.

B'f fixed his plate in the kitchen, came into where we were eating, and I couldn't even see his steak but there was a giant pool of Hienz 57. WTF? Why would a person do that to a good cut of meat? He said it was very good, but how could he tell?

From now on, its hamburgers or tough cuts of meat. I paid almost $9 a lb for those. I guess I should have known better. I guess my old rule of not paying over $2 a lb should have sufficed. He probably would have enjoyed it just as well.

So, another lesson learned.

It's done.

The roof looks great. The porch looks great. It looks like a new house. Ok, almost. They were done at 11:30 on Wednesday morning. It is awesome! Now, the lady from the USDA office has to inspect it, then they can get paid. Lets hope that all goes well.

G had his first sleepover with a buddy Tuesday night. I will admit I was worried about him. He was only a few miles away, but still. He wasn't sure at first if he wanted to stay, but I told him to play for awhile and let me know if he wanted to stay or wanted to come home. He called about 8ish and said he had decided to stay. I talked to the kids mom and said if he wanted to call or come home or anything, just call. It didnt matter what time. I want him to have good experiences and not worry about being stuck somewhere he doesn't want to be. I slept with the phone next to me, just in case. I had told him to call me when he was ready to come home, and he called a little after 11. He had a good time, but said he didn't sleep well cos I wasn't there. He's so sweet. I'm just glad he had a good time, and it went pretty smoothly. He said it will never happen again, but I know he will change his mind. The only time he has spent the night away from home was when I had my hysterectomy, and then he came to visit both days I was gone. I know some of the ties need to be broken, but I want him to never doubt he has a safe place to land if he needs it.

He left for school this morning for his first (partial) day. His backpack must have weighed 50 lbs. Poor kid. Mine starts Monday, and Molly who is on super "worry about everything you can possibly think of because its all going to turn to shit if you don't worry about something" mode emailed me 3 times this morning. One of her instructors sent her a schedule at Molly's request, but Molly said she didn't get it and forwarded it to me. It was there, so I told her what she said, then she asked me how I got that information. Geesh. She sent me a second email and it was attached to their too. I told her she needs to check for attachments, and she would find it. This is the one that gets better grades than me. Cripes. What does that say about me?????

Time to go. Things to do, and I have to find something to worry about. (rolling eyes) Have a great day and God Bless.

On with the shopping....

I think I am about done with my "buy whatever you want, you deserve it!" time. Its been fun to splurge on some things. For instance, buying school clothes for my kid without counting items, but still finding good deals, buying things to help keep the house clean, like my new Swiffer wetjet. I love it, well, as much as a floor mopper can be loved anyway. Today I went to Radio Shack in our teeny tiny boring mall. I parked close to it so I wouldn't have to walk the mall and could get in and get out. I plan, my son laughs. Anyway, I got a voice recorder for my classes. I hope it turns out ok. I got a digital so I could upload it to my computer and keep the lectures. I was ready to go back to the car, but my dear sweet greedy child had other ideas. I decided to humor him and decided to walk the mall.

First stop, was the bookstore. I didn't dare go in. I can't read everything I already have in this lifetime I don't think. He is just as bad. They had sale tables out by the door and we looked at those, but resisted.

Next, was Elder Beermans. It used to be something else, and was something else before that. They are the only place around for about 4 counties that carry the perfume I used to buy myself as a treat. Since this was "bwyw,ydi" day, I went in. I came out with the biggest bottle they had, some of the super duper special silk creamy sample stuff that glitters on the back of my hand, and a gift bag cos I was just so damn special. LOL Actually, they were having a thing where you spend over a certain amount you get all this free crap they can't sell. :) It looks like good stuff, and I may have to use it with my sexy nighty and just feel good about me for awhile. A shame the foreman deal didn't work out. LOL

Next, we went to Bath and Body. I don't like very many of their scents, but thought I would just check and see if they had any that caught my eye. No luck. I have enough lotion to float a boat in anyway. I found a little massager that I can use on my legs maybe. I didn't think of it till I saw some of the others they had.

Finally, I convinced G that there was nothing more to see. And their wasn't. He has been treated the last few days till he doesn't appreciate anything, so I'm not going to waste a good shopping buzz on him.

After leaving local puny mall, we hit McD's for lunch, then Walmart. I found a gas grill, paid for it, and will pick it up tomorrow. I have always wanted one. I have to pick up books tomorrow for school so it will be a good time to get it. I had to ask Father dear to borrow his truck, so the first thing he said was "what did you buy????" If it was in the box it MIGHT have fit in my car, but since it was the display and all put together, it won't.

After that, I had to stop by the meat market. Holy smokes I dropped some cash in their pockets. I am not used to spending lots of money on meat. I bought a box of burgers, some butterfly chops, some ground chuck and (gulp) 5 12-13 oz ribeyes. I wanted to celebrate and try them on the new grill. B'f has his son this weekend, and I thought us and my parents could enjoy them.

I got my M$ Office 2003 today delivered by UPS. I needed Access 2003 for my online class. I got it at academic pricing, so that's a good thing. It was a lot cheaper. I haven't installed it yet. I need to install the old version I have first.

Its been a long and tiring day. I took a box to town to donate to Catholic Charities, but they had a sign posted that they aren't taking donations for awhile. There has been way too many. Now I have this giant Attends box in my trunk and need to find a home for it. I will try again next time I take the car out.

I am going to take a break. All this shopping and going over my purchases has just exhausted me. :) It rained all day so the guys didn't get to finish the roof. Hopefully tomorrow.

God Bless.

I guess its not love afterall

I am so weird. (but you knew that, right?) The foreman for the roofing job is a very nice guy. He looks me in the eye when he talks to me, he smiles, he seems interested in what I have to say. I thought maybe, just maybe, he might be interested. That is till day 4 when he called me by the wrong name. Not once, not twice, but about 5 times. It wasn't a bad name, it just wasn't mine.

Am I that starved for attention? I am too damn easy. I have known for a long time all it really takes is someone to seemingly care about my opinion, listen to me, pay attention to me and buddy, I am there! He could be a serial killer, but he was nice to me. I think a lot of women are like that.

I didn't really have a crush on him, just a few harmless fantasies. It was all good. It sure knocked me down a peg when he kept calling me by the wrong name though.

They should get done tomorrow. YAY! Its really looking nice outside. They even cleaned weeds out of the flower beds pretty well. This place is going to look like something after all. I got a new mop thing yesterday and I really like it. It makes it so easy to mop, so I don't have any excuse not to. I haven't told the plumber yet I got my money. I want the porch done first, then a few days break before other workmen are roaming around my house. I want some freakin sleep. I know that doesn't have a lot to do with my sleeping pattern, since I am up and down all night long, but if I can sleep in a few days before school starts, thats what I need to do. G starts Friday, and I start Monday. I was up for a couple of hours this morning at 1, then back to bed at 3, then up at 7. I wish I knew what caused this, and why I can't go back to sleep.

I think I will go back and take a morning nap. I don't have to worry about anyone walking around on the roof this morning.

God bless. Pray for desparate housewives (even single ones) everywhere.

No b'f today

With the rising gas prices he can't afford to come over today. I understand. Sort of. I know he is overextended, and he said he needs to save his money for next weekend when his son comes over. It would be cheaper on him if he would keep groceries in the house instead of taking him out to eat at all hours of the day and night. (sometimes, if the kid gets hungry they will go out at 10 at night to a fast food place. I don't think thats a good thing, but he's not my kid) He doesn't keep anything to eat in the house hardly except for chips, popcorn, and peanut butter. He is a grown man, and I try to stay out of it. His worthless nephew got kicked out this week, but he let him come back. I know its probably none of my business but I told him he needs to make his nephew more responsible for his own upkeep. He should be helping with the utilities, groceries, (so they could buy some!) and laundry. The kid is 21, parties all the time, and works part time at a bowling alley so he can have blow money. He isn't doing him any favors by letting him mouch. If the guy was actually trying to save up or something, that would be a lot different.

I went and picked up my money yesterday. Two checks. I only deposited the small one till the roof is done, and it looks like that will be Monday. The roof is basically finished, just the porch roof needs built. It might be Tuesday till completion, but its awful close. The house looks great.
Anyway, back to yesterday. We went to nearby large city and got school clothes, supplies, and I got a nice outfit to wear to the scholarship reception in September. Of course, I got a few other things, like a couple of more shirts, pants, sexy nighty, floor protector for my computer chair, NIC for the kids computer, and took us all out to Red Lobster. One of G's little friends went with us, and that was a new experience. My friend Molly went, and she kept trying to buy him stuff. She can't figure out why they don't have any money, and are in debt. She didn't want to take no for an answer. She bought him and G both a pkg of boxer shorts, and gave them $2 each for Toys R Us. His bud already had $3, so she thought they could get something for $5. I subsidized the remainder of the toys, since they couldn't find anything worthy at $5. G got a hotwheels Cyborg dealio and R got a Dragon Ballz thing. So he went home with a doggy bag from RL, boxers, and a toy. His mom has been having a rough time with her live in, so needed to get rid of a kid for the day. When we took him home, I could smell the beer on her breath, and she was upset with the bf. She said he kept calling all day to see if she was still there. She is trying to find a way to get out but promised her son she wouldn't make him change schools. I think you have to do what is best for the family, whether you have to change schools or not. He is a real good kid, and they had a blast riding bikes and stuff up and down the aisles of TRU. I got G a couple of gamecube games for Christmas or birthday.

It was a good but exhausting day. After I got my sexy nighty, my friend decided she wanted one too, just like it. She is such a wannabe. LOL. I told her we could have a threesome with her hubby and she burst out laughing. I said he wouldn't be able to tell us apart. LOL. I talked to her last night, and she said he was too tired, but that was fine with me cos I would just lay there. I was beat up after all the shopping and listening to two boys jabber ALL DAY LONG. They had a real good time though.
We have a few extras to pick up today for school, backpack, shoes, a few more shirts, and he will be all set.

I have ridden 2 miles this morning, working on drinking my water and my milk, and eating veggies for breakfast. I want to really start doing what I am supposed to be doing every day. I am tired of being tired. My knee is still killing me. I am tired of being a fat bitch. I either need a shower or a nap right now to feel better and quit being so critical of myself. Time to go.

God Bless.

Tomorrow is the day....

My money can be picked up. I hope it doesn't mess up my roof deal, but I was told it won't. We are going school clothes and school supply shopping. I am excited, but the kid has no idea. He thinks its like a regular paycheck, and I don't know if I want him to know any different. He will probably ask for everything under the sun, and I am going to act like I didn't get a bunch of money in my lap. I owe quite a bit of money, and this will make a big dent in it, and I hope to get the house paid off. I don't ever want to have to worry about a place to live ever again. One of the worst feelings in the world to me was when I had no place to call my own, and felt like an interloper.

The roof is coming along nicely. They have almost all the shingles on. They got the shed done today, and it looks great. I have to finish painting the trim yet, but it should look like a new one when its all done. They should be done with the porch roof and the rest of the shingling by Tuesday I hope. They are calling for a chance of rain every day, but they have threatened that before. This really put a kink in my 2 week vacation. I am glad its getting done though. Its looking great. The guys seem really nice and they work very very hard.

God bless.