Life as it Happens

I LOVE YOU Daddy

2011-09-16T14:39:00.003-05:00

I miss you.

It's taken me a long time to write this. I knew the next post would be my letter to you, but I didn't want to do it. It seems so final. I know, you've been gone a year and a half. I still don't want to say goodbye.

I was there. It was so hard to watch you laboring for every breath, concentrating so hard to fill your lungs as full as you could. The sweat pouring down your face, just trying to breath was heartbreaking. You gave it your best. You lasted longer than most. Why you kept going, I'll not know for a long time.

I know I miss you. I think about you often. When I see something I know you would appreciate, when I hear a joke I know you would love to repeat, when my son does something I know you would approve of, and when he doesn't.

I have an idea why it was so hard for you to say "I love you." Being the baby of older parents who didn't seem to believe in getting all mushy had to have been it, right? I am my fathers daughter. I had a real hard time saying it to you, because I never knew how you would take it. I remember the first time you told me you loved me, I shouted it from the rooftops. I didn't know you never told my brother or my sister. I hope you did before you passed. I always felt you and I had a special bond, and maybe I was right. I used to make excuses for you to my siblings on why you acted the way you did.

I know by the time your parents had you, they thought they were done with babies. SURPRISE! You were always full of surprises, even from birth. I think they were just tired. I know they loved you too, but I don't remember your mom showing it very much. I don't remember your dad.

After the funeral director moved your body out of the house, they told us to go through pictures. I've seen that ploy before, and it's very effective. We went through pictures of you and we laughed, and we cried. Trying to find one for the big display was the hardest of all. I couldn't agree with anyone on the best picture of you. They wanted the posed pictures that you had taken. They didn't look like you. The eyes weren't quite right, the smile wasn't quite right. I can spot a fake smile on just about anyone, and that was all I could see. There was no crinkle in your eyes, no sparkle, no laughter. No quirky little smile. Then it dawned on me. I didn't see that in the picture because you saved that look for people you loved. For me. for my sister. for my brother. for your family and friends.

You're brother passed away yesterday. I found out this morning. I hope you are both rejoicing and dancing in the streets together. I hope and pray you are. I remember him at your funeral. Another "can't show my feelings guy" with tears falling freely from his eyes with no trying to even dry them. They were falling and I just wanted to squeeze him and tell him you are in a place with no pain and no sorrow. You are with mom again. Being my father's daughter, I just gave him a little hug as he came through the line.

You were loved by a lot of people. I hope you realized that while you were here.

You're wife is an amazing woman. I know what you mean about when she doesn't know when to quit. She is so busy all the time, volunteering here and there, going on mission trips to foreign countries, mission trips in the states, any place she can lend a hand. I know she misses you, and is trying to fill the void that you left in her life. Did you think it would take all that? She said she needs a reason to get up in the morning, and you were it for the longest time. I have really grown to love her more and more every day. She called to tell me about your brother this morning.

I'm so glad you're not hurting any longer. I sure miss you though.

Let me just say I LOVE YOU DADDY! so there. <3 <3 <3 See, that didn't hurt a bit.

God Bless, tell Mom and my beautiful daughter I love them too. The words don't hurt to say out loud, I promise.

Twice in the same year....

2010-09-10T22:26:00.002-05:00

I'm back.

I hate to be such a downer, but I've been sitting here crying my eyes out wanting someone to talk to that won't pity me and try to make me feel better. I won't. Not yet. My daughter would have been 27 tomorrow. My heart aches. I know I posted about it before, it's in here somewhere. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I'm silently crying so I won't wake my son up. When he sees me cry for just about any reason (real life reason, not sad-movie reason) he starts crying too. My arms are aching to hold the child I never got to hold, I'm mourning a life that never got to be lived. Could it have been for the best? Life can be so hard. Maybe it was a blessing for her. Only God knows. I know my heart was shattered. I lost my baby girl, then my husband asked for a divorce a few months later. The sparkle went out of my eyes for a very long time.

Life goes on. I often wonder how the earth can still spin when so many people are hurting. How can the clock still tick like everything is normal? I can hear car horns on the highway, and wonder what is so important they need to disrupt the world with their worthless noise. People hurt. But the earth does still spin, the clock keeps ticking, and people keep honking their horns because they have places to go and things to do. We keep trying to cover up the hurts with bandaids, like alcohol, food, sex, anything to numb the pain till we can deal with it, like a scab trying to heal. Keep it covered till it goes away. It doesn't. There is still a scar.

Since losing my daughter, I have learned not to take people for granted. I assumed she would be in the car seat on the drive home from the hospital, and sleep in the crib I had made all the accoutrement for. I assumed she would wear the clothes I had shopped for, washed, and had all ready for my little bundle of joy. I assumed wrong. There are no guarantees.

I wonder sometimes as I would watch my son get on the bus, what if he never comes back? What if there is an accident and I never see him again? What if...what if.....

It can be a scary world out there. I'm tough. Not because I want to be, but because I have to be. Sometimes nothing can make me cry. Sometimes everything makes me cry. I try not to think about my daughters birthday. It makes me incredibly sad. It changed my whole life and sent me down a whole different path that I never thought I would have had to take. Then 9/11 happened with the World Trade Center. I haven't been able to even try to block the date out since that fateful day. The date was never really blocked out, but it wasn't shoved in my face all the time like it is now.

Appreciate the people you have in your life. You never know what will happen.....

God bless.....

Wow

2010-05-20T20:45:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I have been here. Some things have changed, some things have stayed the same.

I still have the same job, and still driving over 10 hours a week just to work and back. It doesn't leave much time for blogging, needless to say. I don't make enough money to pay my bills, so a smart phone for ease of blogging and keeping in touch is out of the question. I like what I do, I just don't make enough money, and with the economy, I'm afraid to leave. I wasn't making enough when I started, but thought after I got my raise it would be better. 11 days before my 1 year anniversary, they had a hiring and wage freeze. Just my luck. Then, insurance rates went up, deductibles went up, and copays went up. A few months after that, we had a 4% wage reduction across the board. So, I make less money now than when I started with this company over 2 years ago. I use my credit card to subsidize what I make just to get by, but I will reach my limit in the next few months, and I have no plan. I have no idea what to do. Part time jobs are impossible to find around here. One of my friends was looking for a part time job, and they told him they aren't even looking at anyone who already has a job, because there are so many people out of work in this area. :(

My dad passed away in Feb. of last year. He had suffered so much, but I miss him tremendously. I have our last family picture on my desk at work, right in the center of my dual monitors, so I can see it every time I look down. I miss not being able to talk with him, joke around, and just love him. We were never a touchy feely family, and we never said "I love you" except maybe once or twice in my lifetime that I can recall. I really regret that. That's just the way it was. I tell my kid at least 4 times a day that I love him. I never want him to wonder or forget.

That's it for now. I'm tired. I'll try to get back soon. Life is kickin me in the butt right now, but that's life as it happens.....

God bless.

Oh yeah...

2008-03-10T21:22:00.003-05:00

I just noticed tomorrow would be my wedding anniversary, if I was still married. It would have been 25 years. It doesn't seem possible. We were only married for 4 1/2 years. He's on #3 wife last I heard. Man, I hate being single some days. (weeks, years, decades, etc...) but I don't think I am compatible with anyone that I would want a relationship with. Maybe that's another reason I'm a little melancholy tonight.

God Bless. (and K, I hope you at least remember from time to time.)

Wow!

2008-03-10T20:50:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been awhile. I had to dust the cobwebs out before I could get on here. A lot of things have changed, and a lot of things have stayed the same.

I got the job I went to the interview for. I started the end of November. I really like it. It's hard, and I have to use my brain a lot. I think that's a good thing to keep the brain cells firing for when I get old. LOL. It isn't interesting to most people, nor should it be. Hahaha. My job title is RMA specialist and I work for a dental company. A lot of it is boring, but I still like it. It's frustrating at times, but what isn't? I wonder how some people can even get themselves out of bed some days with some of the stuff I deal with. It just makes me feel better about myself in general. :)

Anyway, it's great to have a paycheck again, and it's a great company to work for. My boss is great. The people I work with are fun. The drive is a long one, over an hour, but I enjoy it unless the weather is bad, or threatening to be bad. It gives me a lot of time to think. Sometimes it's a good thing, and sometimes not so good.

Today I was really feeling sorry for myself. I got my taxes done Saturday. I was concerned I was going to have to pay in, which luckily I didn't. I only get back about $250 total, and it cost me $125 to get them done. Yeah, that sucked. At least I know they are right. Next year I should be able to do them myself again. I cashed out my IRA last year, so I was concerned about that. I would rather be right and broke than wrong and owing the government money. I was hoping to get enough to pay my propane bill. That didn't happen. I own $905 for one fill of my tank, and I'm almost on empty again. I don't know what to do. I usually go through 3 tankfuls a winter, but have stretched this one tank out as far as it will go. I wear my robe over my clothes when I'm home, and make sure we have something on our feet at all times. I don't know if they will deliver till I pay on it. I need to call them and see. I could put it on my charge card, but cripes. My payments will go up more, and I can barely pay it now. I had to get a car or I wouldn't have been able to make it to work. I was spending $100 a week on gas when I was driving the truck. Now it's $50. I have to pay babysitting, which I didn't before, so that's taking a chunk. Even though I'm making decent money an hour, my insurance through work is costing me over $300 a month. I can't even afford to take the time off to go to the dr so I'm paying for insurance I don't have time to use.

I know it will work out. I know God will take care of me. He always has. I am getting discouraged, especially when they tacked on a 30 day past due fee on my propane bill. :( My homeowners insurance is coming up, and time to renew the license for the truck. Everyone wants money, and I don't have it to give. Keep me in your prayers please.

God Bless.

Realizations

2007-09-30T19:10:00.000-05:00

I have had an epiphany.

I have been a spectator in my life, and not an active participant. I only do things when forced to. That's not a good thing, most of the time. I waited to buy a home when I got pregnant, thinking before that my knight in shining armor would ride up and take me away. (sorta. LOL) I just thought since I assumed I would get in a relationship, it would be easier if there was only one actual mortgage to deal with, presumably his. Yeah well, man plans, God laughs. Anyway, I am now the proud owner of a home, so I am happy that I was forced into that.

I started on this diet and exercise plan, because I need to find a job, and was afraid no one would hire me. Well, I now have the wind in my sails, and am going great guns on the diet again. I never stopped the diet, I just stopped losing. I have been stalled for a long time now. I have decided I am going to lose at least 8 lbs by Halloween, and another 24 by Christmas. It will happen. I am so excited to be that weight by Christmas. :)

Why the change, you ask? (I heard you. It's not just the voices in my head. LOL) Anyway, I heard about a DVD I wanted to see, so I rented it. It's called The Secret. I know, I KNOW. Most of it is crap. But what got me to thinking, was if you replace the "I have the power", "I form my own destiny" crap with "God has the power", "God forms my destiny" it makes so much sense. All this time I believed it, but I haven't LIVED it. If I trust God, then why do I let things get me down like they do? I end up having a pity party for myself, which accomplishes NOTHING. If I truly had faith, it would show. I plan on it showing from here on out.

After I had this epiphany, I said one of my down-on-my-knees prayers. I find myself doing that a lot more frequently lately. I prayed about the change in attitude, the job, etc. Within 24 hours I got a call for a job interview. God is working already, and I trust the outcome. I am so excited about this interview.

Today I worked on my "Couch to 5 K" program I tried to start a few weeks ago, and did a lot better than last time. (Google it, thats how I found it) I will just do it till I improve enough to go to the next step. Being as heavy as I am, I can't complete the first week yet. You have to walk briskly for 5 minutes, then a slow run for 60 seconds, then walk for 90 seconds, then run/walk/run/walk for about 8 times total. The last part is a 5 minute cool down walk. The first time, I did the 5 minutes, jog for about 30 seconds, then walked back to the car. LOL. Today I walked, jogged for about 45 seconds, walked till it got to the 3rd set of jogging, (I walked through the 2nd one) and then jogged the 5th one. Although I never did a full minute at a time jogging, I am doing better. The whole thing should only take 20 -30 minutes if done properly. I will do it one of these days. It said to do that 3 times a week, but not in a row. I am planning on doing it again on Tuesday. We go to the local state park, but I am always looking around to make sure no one is around when I run. I don't mind powerwalking with people around, but the pitiful attempt I make at jogging, well, that's another story. LOL

I fixed my hair today, to see what I am going to do with it tomorrow. I also used a depilatory on my upper lip, and I burned it. LOL Now it looks like I have chapped lips. Geesh. I hope it fades out by tomorrow. I tried on my clothes for my interview, and my son would have wolf whistled if he could have. :) I feel like I have awoken. I am primed and ready to go.

:) Keep me and my interview in your prayers please. God bless!

A letter to my uncle....

2007-08-26T06:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Uncle Bob,

I love you so. You have been more like a father to me than my own at times. I will miss your humor, your sarcasm, your smile (which usually meant you were up to no good, lol) and your voice. I think the last phone conversation I had with you was when you yelled at me for not charging for the webpage for a church. LOL. I know you were thinking of me and my income needs, but I was thinking of doing something for God's family and not taking money for doing it. I hope you can see my heart now, and know why.

I sat around the table with your children yesterday. They were going through the pictures of your life. There were so many pictures of you doing the things you loved. Wordworking, painting, decorating your son's wedding cake, playing with numerous children, including my own, riding a go-cart you had just fixed, and tons of other things. I found a wonderful one of you rolling around on the floor with my son when he was about 6 months old. They were telling great stories about you. Laughter, mixed with the tears. You are so loved. I hope you realized that while you were here. I think you did.

Don't worry about your wife. She is a great woman, but you realized that a very long time ago. We will take care of her. She misses you. She said it will probably really hit her after she goes to bed, then gets up to check on you and you won't be there. Your middle child and her daughter are staying with her for now, so rest assured she will be surrounded by those she loves, and those that love her.

I cry because I am going to miss you. I know its selfish, and I am SO glad you aren't hurting anymore. Give my mom a great big hug from me. Tell her all about my son. I'm sure she knows and watches us too, but it warms my heart to think about you two up there exchanging stories. I'm going to miss you terribly, and will think of you often with heartfelt love, respect, and gratitude.

I love you. See ya later.
God Bless.

*My uncle passed at 12:20 pm August 25th, less than 12 hours after my plea to God. Thank you God, for ending his suffering.*

Dear God...

2007-08-24T11:28:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

First, I want to thank you for all of the blessings you have given me. I have a wonderful son, wonderful family, friends, and just so much to be thankful for. I get to see the sun rise in the morning, and set at night. I get to hear the crickets chirping, and feel the warmth of a touch. There are so many who don’t have that, and I am truly thankful. I may complain about my car falling apart, my home needing major repairs, but they are drivable and livable, and for that I am thankful.

I want to thank you for my uncle who is failing quickly, and ask you to put a tender hand on him and his family. It’s so hard to watch him suffer. Please give us all comfort and don’t let him hurt. He and my aunt has had 50 years together, and its so hard on both of them to part even for a little while. He is tired, and has fought a good battle. When I was a little kid, I was scared to death of him. I would hear my parents talking about how he beat his children. The bruises I would see on them were horrendous. Then he found You. He loves you so. I could tell the minute I saw him after finding you that his life was changed forever. He wasn’t scary any more.. When my son was newborn and had colic, he was the only one that could hold him and calm him. Sometimes I would call 9:00 at night and ask if I could bring my son over because I was ready to tear my hair out from all the crying. Once there, he would carry him around the house, talking softly, and G would relax, the angry lines would leave his face, and he would sleep. No matter how many times me or anybody else tried that, it didn’t work. Only my uncle could do that. His children, now grown, adore him They are so terribly sad watching him suffer. He went from a scary abuser to a sweet giant teddy bear who would give you the shirt off his back. I love him so, and feel such pain seeing what he is going through, and what his wife is going through. Please Father, don’t let him suffer long.

I want to thank you for my dad, for many of the same reasons as my uncle. We have had our ups and downs, and I love him so much. He is ready to go home as well. After all these years, he still misses mom. His health is declining, to where he is almost completely housebound. Please Father, give him rest. They say if you love someone, you have to let them go. I have to let them go. I love them so much. My heart hurts so much watching people I care about not being able to breathe well, gasping for breath with the slightest movement. It hurts to see the look of discouragement as the smallest task overwhelms them. Please Father, take them home. You know how hard it is for me to say good-bye. I have to. I know both are anxious not to hurt any more. Of course, Dad as talked about seeing Mom again. I would just love to see them laughing, and rejoicing, and not hurting anymore.

Father, I know you have a plan for me. You know I need a job. Please, show me what You want me to do, and give me the courage to do it. I am praying you will open the door you want me to go through. I keep applying, hoping the right one will be the one that calls. I don’t have much left of my retirement money. You know my financial circumstances Father. Please show me soon what you want me to do.

Father, please forgive me for my transgressions. I know I shouldn’t complain about my friends. It would be so hurtful to them if they knew. I just get so frustrated, and I feel the need to vent. Please forgive me, and help me to be a better friend. You know my friends, and you know we all need your help. Thank you Father, for my friends, and please help me control my mouth.

Father, I want to thank you for my son. I love him so very much. I worry about him not having friends in school. I worry about him fitting in. That may not be in your will. I never fit in. I think I am a good person, (well, at least most of the time.) I want to help point my son in the right direction, help him through life, and give him a soft place to fall when he needs it. Please help me to be a good parent, and please help guide my son on the right path he should take. I so want his life to be easier than mine. Please help me become more healthy so I will be around to help him, and so he knows there is always someone rooting for him.

Thank you Father, so much for all the blessings you have given me. I hope you know how truly grateful I am. Please watch over my loved ones and I. This is my plea.

In Jesus precious name,

Your daughter

My birthday....

2007-07-17T22:06:00.000-05:00

was yesterday. :) I changed it in my profile a little early since I was gomming around in there anyway. (spell check doesn't like that word, but it's the only way I know to spell it. LOL) I am officially 48 years old. Wow. I am still 5 years older than my sister, and 5 years younger than my brother, so I guess its not that big of a deal. It was nice. Every time my son didn't want to do what I did, or just be hateful, I looked at him and said "but its my birthday." He said I can't use that excuse forever. It worked for a day, which was good enough for me. Hahaha.

We went to see Harry Potter. We were going to go Friday, but my childhood friend called and wanted us to go with her to "big city" to celebrate and she had an errand to do. Her situation influenced my decision to start a blog, as my first post was written about her and losing her daughter to a drunk driver. She is still having so many problems dealing with it, and I completely understand. No one realizes how precious life is till its lost. She started a local chapter of Compassionate Friends, and I am working on a web page for them. She just has to get it ok'd through the group. She was my birthing coach when my son was born, and she sponsors him in Taekwondo. She has the most heart of any person I know.

Anyway, we had a great day in the city. Actually, it was an afternoon. She dropped me and the munchkin off at the bookstore, and went to her appointment. My son only wanted the expensive little kits you can get, where you can build a dinosaur, or a hornet, or a cardboard Hogwarts that consists of over 250 pieces of card board. I finally showed him the madlibs, and got him one of those. He LOVED it. I got a book by Teresa Tapp on exercising the t-tapp way. The girls on the message board I go to swear by it. People who have mobility problems can even use it, so when my knee goes out on me again, I should be ok. My friend and I had a lot of good discussions, and it was great to see her. She lives over an hour away, so we can't get together very often. She has been so sick and they are still trying to find out exactly whats wrong. (they know it deals with the pancreas, but nothing they are trying is working.) She has always been ultra sensitive, and I think the biggest problem is the broken heart. She is working on healing, but I don't know if a person can every really completely heal from a loss like that. We have been friends since the 2nd grade, and its great. She knows everything I have been through, so when we talk I don't have to explain too much. She knows my background. I know her background. We can talk in shorthand, so we get a lot more covered that way. Its so nice to find someone that UNDERSTANDS.

Back to yesterday: I got two birthday cards yesterday. One from my sister, and one from a friend. It was nice to get them. I never remind anyone its my birthday (except for my kid. LOL) so its nice when they remember on their own. I had an email from the friend that sent me the b'day card when I got up. I know she hit the network because within hours I had a phone call from one and an email from another friend wishing me a happy birthday. LOL. I asked her if she "reminded" anyone, and she acted shocked. LOL. Thats ok. I love her all the more for it.

After mail call, we went to the new Harry Potter movie. It was good, but it was the first one that I had read the book first. I kept watching for the things in the book to happen, and I was disappointed. I will still read the last book before the movie comes out, so I hope I'm not disappointed in it as well. I hope they are working on the next one now. I haven't heard anything, but I'm not obsessed with it either. (well, not much.) After we left the movie, I had a gift on my car from the small town we go to the movies in. I had my first parking ticket in over 25 years. LOL. When I had parked, I was afraid that the truck behind me wouldn't be able to get out, so I pulled a couple of feet up. When I read the ticket, I was pulled up about 2 feet into the yellow line. Geesh. $10 I could have spent elsewhere. See where being nice gets me!!!!! We went and paid it, then went to Taekwondo. The kid tests tomorrow for his next belt. He is doing very well.

Anyway, it was an enjoyable day. I am still getting hits on eHarmony. I can't respond, still. I get about 7 or 8 new matches every day, and about 4 "close match" notices. No big deal. It may not be just the fat picture, but I would make a wager its the biggest reason. Their loss. I am a dynamo in the sack, and they will never know. HAhahahahahaha

Time for Scrubs. Good night, and God Bless.

Can you believe I am blogging so soon???

2007-07-09T22:26:00.000-05:00

I'm getting comments, so I get to respond. YAY! Thanks Bettejo for giving me fodder for another post. :)

I just changed my profile to say "A single mom".... instead of "just a single mom".... (the last . is really a period. LOL) It was pointed out to me that it sounds negative. When I first started this blog, I didn't know what to put there. I am just a single mom, not some political pundit, not some major journalist, or even a journalist wannabe. I knew my blog would deal with being a mom, being single, being frustrated, etc. I figured I would weed out the ones who expected more. I hate to disappoint, so I figure they know right off what my blog is going to be about. I think it sounds negative, because most of the time I feel negative. I have been depressed for so long, I don't even think about it anymore. When my friends whine and carry on about the horrible things they are going through, I listen, give sympathy, but don't let them know how I really feel. The horrible things they usually talk about is that their boss is a jerk, so they had a bad day, or they ran out of gas in the lawn mower and had to go to town and it messed up their whole schedule. Boo freakin hoo. No one died, no one got hurt. I listen, because I know how important it is to have someone listen to you. I console well, when I have the patience and its not something totally stupid. I never say things like "its no big deal", I say things like "they were probably having a bad day. Maybe after they get some rest, and YOU get some rest, tomorrow may be a totally better day."

Terrible things happen to good people. Thats a fact. I am a good person. I have had bad things happen to me. No one really wants to hear about it. I don't think I have had " closure" over a lot of things in my past that still affect me. Therefore, anything good that happens you can lose in a heartbeat. That's always my fear. Some days when my son gets on the school bus, I am always afraid I will never see him again. You just never know.

I have had a lot of negativity in my life. I was never "picked" last on a team in school. I was the only one left. I was always the fattest kid in school. My family was one of the poorest in town, and it seemed like everyone knew it. When my mom passed away when I was 10, I felt like an orphan, since she was the only parent I could talk to.

Even today. I signed up with an online dating thing last night, just to see. I got about 10 matches, so I read the profiles, but didn't decide to contact anyone, but see what happened. I made sure my picture was viewable before any contact was made. They recommend you show photos after contact, but I thought they should see what they are dealing with before that. I am fat. (or phat. LOL) I know there are a lot of fat haters out there. I don't want to deal with that as well, so I let them see the photo. When I woke up this morning, I had 4 "close contact" notices. I read the reasons, and one was "rather not say", others said things like "would rather keep looking", etc. There was one who asked me some questions, but if I want to answer him I have to pay up. Its $60 for one month, or $110 for 3 months. Well, with no income, I am afraid to take a chance risking the money. If I had a job, I would probably go the 3 month option, just to give it more time. The guy that asked the questions is 59, and I don't know how he would deal with a 10 year old anyway. I am torn. I will have to think on it for a bit.

Anyway, thats a taste of why I get negative. I try to put all my negativity here, so I don't expose my friends and family to it. It pours out of me, and lets me vent, then I go on about my day.

I edited my profile, and took out "just". Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. Sometimes being single is better than the alternative. ;)

Thanks for the concern. I try to be more positive in my daily life. Like my profile mentions, I do this so I don't alienate my friends. They don't want to hear it.

God bless.

I WON THE LOTTERY!

2007-07-07T10:31:00.002-05:00

Ok, it was only $3.00. But thats better than nothing, right? LOL. I only play about once a month, but I bought my new ticket as well. G even found the gamecube game he had been wanting at the convenience store when we went to pick up pizza. (Thats where I buy my tickets). I thought it was our lucky day, since the game was cheaper than we had ever seen it. We had to get it from the cashier, which is where we were sorely disappointed. He picked up the right box (gamecube) off the shelf. I paid for it, and when she went to find the game, she handed me one for playstation. :( G didn't get his game after all. I am going to keep looking for it. I had already given him the lecture of how he was going to have to pay me back, yada yada yada. A wasted lecture. I hate when that happens. At least I won $3.00!

I applied for another job today. That makes 2 applications in this week. I am thinking I need to set a goal of 3 apps a week. It sounds like a good goal. I just wish one of them would call and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. A friend of mine works at a local plant. She says I would love it there. The only trouble is, during the summer they work a ton of mandatory overtime. She said they have been working 7-7. Not good with a kid. She said during the winter you might get off at noon or 1ish. It just depends on the day. She said when you go to work, you never know when you are going to be leaving. It would be different if I had a partner, or if my parents still lived next door. Even then I don't think I would do it. (parents, anyway, partner, maybe)

My kid needs to be raised by me, not by my parents. Yikes! They are part of the reason I am so messed up. I figure my first responsibility is to my kid. Being the only parent he has, I can't take any job, at least not till he is older and self sufficient. Being a man-child, he doesn't want to be self sufficient, and fights me every step of the way. (My pb&j's taste SO MUCH better than his, etc.) He won't wake up with the alarm. He doesn't hear it at all. I will watch him when it goes off, and he doesn't even flinch. Also, I don't trust him for over an hour on his own. Coming home from school and me getting here an hour later would be ok, but not much longer. My neighbor said she would keep an eye on him on days like that, but she isn't always home.

I would like to find a job with regular hours, and not "scheduling." I am ADD enough to need a consistent schedule I can follow. Enough about work. (or lack of)

The diet is going "ok." I am only down 1/2 lb. this week. I really need to exercise more. (I say "more" laughlingly, because I just plain need to EXERCISE.) I bought some low carb ice cream and ice cream bars, and although they were both yummy, I have no portion control when it comes to that. I'm not getting anymore. I have an icee machine, so if I need a frozen treat I can make an icee with DaVinci syrup. That stuff is awesome! I need to get back to my flax muffins too. They help me feel full, and also help other things. :eek: I feel so much better in my jeans now. They are loose and it feels great instead of being stuffed into them with a muffin top. I can almost take them off without unfastening them. YAY!!!

I am really missing the company of men. I miss talking to them. At least in school I was surrounded by men. Being in the techy program helped a lot with that. I feel really secluded now, and just wish I had some male contact. One of my friends kind of freaked me out awhile back. Her husband was in one of my classes. I had met her before in tutoring, then found out that is the husband she was talking about. I went to visit her one day, and he was home. We started talking about computers, and she said "honey, there is the woman for you. She knows all about that stuff." I was embarrassed. She said that he wants to talk about that stuff a lot, and she has no idea and doesn't care to learn. He gets excited over stuff she has no clue over. He was embarrassed too, I could tell. Now I don't feel comfortable going over there. They are very happily married, and have 5 kids. When she said that it floored me. I'm sure it was done in jest, but it made me uncomfortable. I am sure not the type to be a homewrecker, especially since it happened to me.

Time to get out and mow the yard. God Bless, and have an awesome day!

Keep me in your prayers....

2007-07-01T21:15:00.000-05:00

I'm going to go apply for a job in the morning. Its an office job. It's right next door to the place I used to work, so the drive would be ideal, since when I bought this house I had planned to retire at the place I was working. The job consists of customer service, typing, and data entry. I can do those. I feel pretty confident about my skills in those. A friend had called me and told me it was in the paper. I made a mistake however. :( The friend of mine who is working on her internship also gets the paper, and is more computer savvy than the person that called me about the job. I emailed my computer savvy friend (putting it loosely, because she still can't figure out why she can't change things on a cd once she burns it and its read only.) Anyway, I asked her if she could email me the ad from the newspaper. The response I got was that she typed it out because she didn't want to cut it out because her husband hadn't read the paper yet. I don't know if she thought it would make it invisible if she scanned it, or what. I've seen her scanner, and she could lay the whole paper on it, but I digress. She said it looked like a good job, and she might apply too. WHAT?????? Any time she has told me about a job she planned on applying for, I never did because she found it first. Now, if she applies, and gets the job, I will probably never speak to her again. I thought it was a courtesy thing, but I guess it was just a courtesy on my end. I am so angry with her right now for even suggesting that she go for it.
I waited awhile, so I could calm down. I then emailed her back that I hope they had more than one position open if she was going to apply too. She got unemployment 16 weeks longer than I did. She has a husband that makes good money. She has a son that lives at home that works. I haven't had income since my internship, which was less than $80 a week. That was in Dec. when that ended. I have been living off of (what was supposed to be) my retirement. I NEED THIS JOB!

I pray that I get it. I pray its the one God wants me to have. I pray that if this isn't it, I find the one soon that He wants me to have. I don't want to go through all my savings. I hate living paycheck to paycheck, and never having enough. My car isn't going to last forever. My son needs clothes. At the rate I am losing weight, I need clothes too. My "friend" acts like she has it worse than anyone else on the planet, and it drives me crazy. I have to remind her to be grateful for what she has. She has a husband who loves her and does anything she asks of him, and then some. They went to Hawaii for over a week. Then she complains about not having enough money. GIVE ME A BREAK! They only buy brand new vehicles, never used. They have a beautiful home.

I pray for my friend also. She really needs counseling. She has so many issues, but she won't go. (Thats one of her issues. She thinks they are all quacks.) I had an excellent counselor. But my friend thinks when you go to a counselor its because you are crazy. I'm not crazy. Just pissed at the moment. I am concerned about being able to support myself and my son.

Anyway, off of my soapbox. Please pray I get a job soon. This job or not. I want God to lead me. If they call, fine, if not, I hope He sends something else my way, soon. Thanks. God Bless.

I'm back!

2007-06-24T08:04:00.000-05:00

I almost missed a whole month again. I wish I could say things have been happening so fast and I haven't had time, but sadly, thats not so. I am bored out of my mind, and don't feel like writing.

The diet is going well. Altogether I am down 41 lbs as of this morning. Its coming off slow and steady, but I was always told that wins the race, so thats fine with me. Its a lot better than going UP which is what it was always doing before. It seems odd that I can lose weight while having bacon and eggs for breakfast, steak, etc, but it really works. I feel good, and I'm not hungry. Well, not often. So, hurray for Dr. Atkins, may he rest in peace. He did this world a favor, at least this fat girl. (My son says I am PHAT, how cute is that???)

The job is not going so well. I had applied for a job, tested, had an interview that went great. I waited for a phone call that never came. They said if I get the job, they call, if not, I get an email. I didn't get either. I kept checking my junk mail filter, and nada. They were hiring for 8 positions and had a ton of applications. I am hoping I was at least 9th on the list of 8, so maybe they will notify me if someone doesn't show up for the mandatory training next week. I have to keep the hope. They had great insurance, flex time, advancement, etc. It sounds like a good deal. But here I sit. I haven't even applied anywhere else since then. Every day that goes by, my confidence goes down. I am sure a lot of it has to do with the semi-isolation I have myself in.

I went through graduation ceremonies. It was actually great. Being back on campus got the blood pumping through my veins again. I really miss it, and wish I had the funds to go back. That should be motivation to get a job, right? That, and paying for things like water, heat, electricity. I am using the last of my savings. I didn't want to do that. Anyway, on campus I could feel my confidence come back. The speeches were really great. I don't know how many people there were in my class, but they were very efficient getting us moved through. It was a flat 2 hours and we were out of there. My son sat with my friends husband and afterward we had went to the reception but it was very crowded. We had a little get-together earlier and I still had the cooler of pop in the truck, so the 4 of us sat out in the parking lot drinking Diet Squirt and Diet Coke. LOL I am such a wild woman! LOL

I missed a social opportunity last night, and today I regret it. I got a phone call earlier this week asking if I was going to my high school reunion. I had forgotten about it. My best friend from school didn't want to go, so I wasn't considering it. Then one of the guys I had seen around from school called. One of our old old friends (I remember her from 6th grade, and can't remember when she moved away) was coming from California for it, and they wanted me to go and sit with them. I hated school. I was poor white trash, and I hated it. Everyone new we were poor. My mom had died when I was 10, and home life was awful. Dad couldn't handle it, and remarried quickly. There was so much crap going on at home with new family and dealing with everything. Then school sucked on top of that. I had no one to talk to about it, except my best friend. (who was the one that didn't want to go to the reunion.) I don't know what had happened to her, but after summer break in the 7th grade, she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. She wouldn't sit with me on the bus, wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even pass notes with me. I never did find out what she was going through. She asked me awhile back what had happened, and I told her I never knew. It must have been something big, because her brother can't remember either, and he is having a hard time. I can only speculate, and I'm not going to do that. I had to tell her that she just dropped me and had no contact, so I never knew what had happened. She has really blocked it out. (We have been friends now for a very long time. She is the one that lost her daughter in a car accident and the reason I started blogging.) Anyway, my mom passed when I was in the 5th grade, and I lost my best friend in the 7th grade. The rest was pretty much a blur. I know I kept my head down all the time, and didn't like people looking at me. I remember a couple of the girls in one of my grade school classes. They were awful. They thought they were so much better than me. They almost had me convinced. When I would bring cookies from home for the class, they wouldn't eat them because they said they were dirty. I cried myself to sleep a lot back then. So,no, going to the class reunion wasn't something I was interested in. It wasn't fond memories for me. I wish now I would have gone, just to see the guy and his wife, and my old friend from California, and her husband. Thats another thing. They are paired, and I'm not. I would have liked to get together with them outside of the reunion, but they didn't mention it, so I didn't either. I am such a social flop. Life goes on.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. I am feeling better getting rid of this weight. My house is cleaner. I am going to one website to help with the weight (www.lowcarbfriends.com) and another place to help get my home in order. (www.flylady.net) They both have been very helpful. Flylady lets me know that it doesn't have to be perfect, and routines make all the difference. I even got rid of some stuff in a rummage sale. LOL. The house is sighing in relief. I know that me keeping a lot of stuff is just insecurity. I am afraid to throw any receipts away, etc., but am getting better.

Please keep praying about the job thing. I have to get my confidence back. I am a great employee, and I keep forgetting that. Take care, and God Bless.

I missed a whole month again

2007-05-01T08:20:00.000-05:00

I was really going to try to keep up. I know nobody is reading this, and thats fine. I don't feel like I have an outlet, since I stay home almost all the time and only get to talk to adults on a regular basis when I take the kid to Taekwondo. I really need to do something about that.

Anyway, my crush on Zack Braff took a recent blow. I love him on Scrubs, and the few interviews I have seen. I am sorry to say I didn't care much for either of his movies, (so far). He has another coming out in a couple of weeks, so I will give it another shot. On Garden State, there were too many instances of drugs that I didn't care for. (Cripes I am getting OLD!) It definitely showed the dysfunction between family and even friends. The other one, of which the name fails me, was sort of so-so. I liked it better than Garden State though. Enough with the reviews. I still make it a point to watch Scrubs. I hope they renew for next season.

Ok, I made reference to the old thing. I have been accused of not being fun in the past. When I worked in the factory, some of the girls would sit around and talk about sex with their significant other all the time. I wasn't gettin' any, so I didn't want to hear it. Then I got known as the prude who didn't like to be around when they were discussing it. Then, after that awful break up I had, I quit drinking. No fun for me then either. Actually, a lot of it had to do with boredom too. I had the closest partying friends when I lived in Arkansas. When you have partied with the best, the rest pales in comparison. I miss playing quarters and downing beer (even though I hate beer.) I miss not being able to say certain words or having to drink. (like beer, drink, ok, etc.) Those were the good old days. Now, I have too much responsibility and no one I can trust to take over so I can get incapacitated, even for a little bit. Sad, really.

Ok, now another reason why I am officially old. I kept hearing the term "Indie." Like Indie movies, Indie music, etc. I kept thinking India was coming out with all these things that aren't mainstream, that I never heard of, or saw. Then, with my brainstorming qualities, I realized they were talking about "Independent". Geesh. I get it now. When I heard someone say it was "Indie" music, my first thought was "it sure doesn't sound like it came from India." Duh. I am really trying to stay on the same page in life. Really.

Ok, I started a new diet. (again) I went back to The Atkins Diet. I am monitoring to see if I have the swelling I had before, but so far so good. I'm not losing like I did the first time, but I have incredible energy. I took my son to see The Last Mimsy Saturday, and ended racing him to the car. Yes, I RAN. Not easy for a fat girl. I kept thinking "I hope I can stop without falling flat on my face!" Well, it ended well. I didn't embarrass myself at all. Of course, the kid beat me, but he is 10, so thats fine. He was as shocked as I was that I ran. During the night, I woke up with a pain in my knee. It feels like someone tried to wrench it from my body while I was sleeping. Now I am gimping around, and can barely walk. Geesh. I am tired of being old and fat. I don't have a choice in getting old, but I sure do about the fat. I was hoping to be thinner by graduation, but since that's next week, there isn't much chance of that. :(

God bless, and pray for my knee and a job. Thanks.

My dream

2007-03-21T22:19:00.000-05:00

Last night, I had a dream about Zach Braff. I started watching Scrubs not too long ago, and I love the show. It makes me laugh out loud, and I know I don't do that often enough. I sleep with the tv on, and it comes on at 11:00 pm. I fell asleep during it, so I know I incorporated it into my dream. Anyway, in my dream, he came in, like a normal evening, and laid down at the other end of the couch. (I sleep on the couch) We were both reclining, and chatting, just friendly fun banter. Then we both settled down to go to sleep. (His head at one end, and my head at the other.) Then, I was almost ready to doze, (in my dream) and sat up, told him that "by the way, I wanted to let you know how adorably funny you and your show is. It makes my day brighter." He gave my that knowing grin of his, and we both nodded off. I just thought it was a cute dream. I really do enjoy him and the show a lot. There isn't much tv I make a point to watch, but I will that one. My son is the one that got me started on it.

I was supposed to go to a job fair today, but didn't go. I didn't sleep good last night so I napped as soon as kidlet left for school. Then I started not feeling well, tummy-wise. So I didn't go. I still need to go over and get measured for my cap and gown. Thats something I need to whine about.

My friend that is going to school keeps telling me how important it is for me to go to graduation. I, being a private introverted person, don't want to go and be in front of all of those people. She has been lecturing me about how important it is for my kid to see me graduate. To me, its just a ceremony. Like a wedding. If (heaven forbid) I should ever do that again, its going to be me, him, and the preacher. Anyway, she keeps telling me to get over there and get measured. Then last night, I get this email from her about how she got measured, and if she decides not to go, she can just cancel. I emailed her back, and asked what the F is going on. Yeah, I said F. (even when I cuss in Pogo chat, I use characters, not the real letters, like &*^%*^. At least everyone knows how I feel without having to say it. LOL. She said she may not walk. Holy crap. She likes drama, even though she says she doesn't. She still whines on a daily basis about how much homework she has, even though she has dropped half of her classes. Then she will tell me how she really needs to quit watching tv. I never had time to watch tv while I was in school. I even studied in the bathroom. When she has a freebie day, she says she has to stay home and get caught up on homework, and EVERY TIME she does that, she will email me that evening and tell me she didn't do anything all day. Cripes. She is getting on my last nerve. She has it so much tougher than everyone else. No one has it as rough as she does. She suffers from test anxiety. Big whoop. Its ok if I got a C in a class, no big deal, but it devastates her for days if she gets one. She can't function for a day or more if she gets a bad grade. I have told her she needs to talk to someone about depression, and she told me one day that it makes her cry when I tell her that, so please don't say that again. I said it was BECAUSE YOU ARE DEPRESSED! Then she tells me that the dr. thinks she is diabetic. I asked her when she was getting tested, and she said she wasn't. She didn't want to know, and she didn't want me to mention it again. So I did. I told her that she needs to get tested so she can find out what plan of action she needs to take. She said her dad was diabetic and it ruined his life, and he was miserable. I told her that was a long time ago, (about 20 years) and they have learned so much since then. I told her she needs to get checked before it does any permanent damage. She told me she is never telling me anything again, so don't mention it. I told her its not going to go away. Now, I don't know if she really doesn't want me to talk about it, or if she wants to see how much I care as a friend, and try to convince her to go. I really do love her dearly, even though it doesn't sound like it. I just don't like the drama. I blog instead of whining to people, (most of the time, anyway) and she whines to me. Some days I cringe when I see her name in my inbox. I get at least 2 emails a day from her, every day. Some days more. I even told her that with diabetes, she could lose a limb, or go blind. If she waits too long to find out, and doesn't start treatment, there won't be much they can do, which is probably what happened with her dad. I told her at least cut down on sugar and carbs, like pasta, etc. She said "but I like pasta." Cripes. I asked her if she liked it well enough to go blind. I get so tired of the damn whining. I hope she doesn't expect me to push her around in her wheelchair. (Of course I would, but mainly if we are starting out at the top of a hill.) LOL. I really do care about her, and thats why it bothers me so much. Diabetes can be managed, at least to a certain extent. If you don't know what your dealing with, you don't know what you should be doing. Then she said that since my dad was diabetic, I was a good candidate for it too. DUH. I had my blood sugar checked, and its always been fine. So there. That shut her up for almost a whole minute.

Better go, its time for Scrubs. God Bless. Goodnight Zach, wherever you are. ;)

Things are the same, only different

2007-03-18T11:00:00.000-05:00

I still don't have a job. I am doing better though. I think the naps I have been taking have been helping with the depression. I still don't sleep well at night, but the naps during the day are my high point. Even if I don't nap though, I still don't sleep well at night. I have noticed the last few nights that I am actually dreaming again, so maybe I am getting caught up some. Dreaming seems to really relax me more, like telling me a bedtime story to myself while I am asleep. They have been good calming dreams, except the one where I dreamt that I had a really nasty crusty cold sore, and was thrilled when I woke up and discovered it wasn't true.

My uncle and my grandmother are both currently in the hospital. My Grandmother seems to be getting better and may be going back to the nursing home tomorrow. She likes it there now because she doesn't have to do anything. They cook and clean for her, and roll her over. She can sit and read all she wants.

My uncle isn't faring so well. I love my uncle. He used to be a mean vicious man who used to beat his children when they were small. I was terrified of him. My mom used to take me over to play with his kids sometimes when he was at work. I would hear her and grandma talking about how mean he was. I remember once he came home while I was there, I told my aunt I was walking back to my grandmas and decided to go the scenic route. I was about 6. My mom came after me in the car scared to death they wouldn't find me. I wasn't lost. I had to get away from the evil man who beat children. I don't remember how old they were when the bruises stopped. I know they had them in highschool. He discovered God and turned into one of the sweetest people you would ever be blessed to meet. His children love him dearly, and it shows. His body is failing. He has put it through a lot of stress over his lifetime.

The last time I was over at his house, (a few weeks ago) they were talking about a local hospital that got its charitable status taken away. He said "apparently they didn't treat enough indignant people." It was all I could do not to burst out laughing, picturing these indignant people, all nicely dressed, standing outside the hospital offended because they weren't being treated. (as opposed to the poor indigent people turned away for lack of money or insurance.)

When my son was a baby and was a collicky crying mess, my uncle was the only one that could lull him to sleep. He said he had a way with babies, which he did, but I also think it had something to do with the tremors he had, but we never mentioned them. I have a picture of him cradling my son in his arms, resting comfortably looking up into my uncles face.

He is tired, and wearing his wife out taking care of his needs, and he knows it, and that makes it even harder on him. He is ready to go, but she keeps telling him he's not, and he doesn't want to leave her alone, but he wants to go. I will miss him tremendously.

His life has shown me how much a person can go through changes over a lifetime and still come out ok on the end. I keep waiting for something to happen "FOR" me, instead of me getting out and moving the mountains that need to be moved. I have turned in a few applications, but not as much as a serious job searcher would. I keep expecting something to happen, to make life easier. I don't know why I feel that way, but I have since I was a child. I remember thinking that no matter what happened, I would end up marrying a great guy, having a great family, and live happily ever after. I think I still have that dream, even though I don't work at it at all. It should just happen, shouldn't it????? (yeah, I know.)

I am trying to get back on track with life. I think I have finally gotten bored at home, although if I ever started on a project, it would keep me occupied. I am afraid to start because I may fail.

I know I am getting bored when I actually updated Myspace last night. I changed the background and it looks great. :)

I hope you all have a blessed day.

The next chapter...

2006-12-17T21:59:00.000-06:00

Well, I am a college graduate. No pomp and circumstance, but I had a hard time leaving campus Friday. I was planning on working a couple of hours my last day but got invited to a free breakfast, so I went there instead. I went in to get my "stuff" and say bye, but only 3 people were in the office. I really enjoyed working with them, but I didn't feel like me and my boss "jived." I heard he is a hard person to get to know, but it just didn't feel right. Anyway, now I have to find a REAL job.

I always hate finding a new job. All the insecurities come up to the surface. Why would they want to hire me? Would I want to hire me? I think I have an excellent work ethic, which amazes me when I don't see it in others. When I grew up, everyone worked hard. Now I don't see that so much. I know when I started working in the factory (that ended up going to Mexico) you worked hard, and weren't allowed to talk unless you could keep working. It got more lax, and more lax, and before long you had people who didn't really seem to do much of anything except talk. I try to give an honest days work for an honest days pay. One problem I had in the office I was working in was that they had a hard time keeping me busy. I was getting paid to do a job, but didn't really have much of a job to do. I answered phones for help desk, and did a few other things as they came in. I was trying to teach myself some of the software I got to use so I would be more useful, but felt guilty for opening the book. I think I was the only one that bothered, but its the kind of stuff I do at home, the self-teaching stuff. So, I would hire me because I am a good, dedicated worker. I don't like to get into office politics. I would hire me for help desk. I would hire me for factory work. I wouldn't hire me as a net admin, which is what my degree is in. I hated it. I got locked into it, but don't like it at all.

I am hoping and praying I find the perfect fit. I am scared to death. I am going to take a little break before I start hitting the pavement looking for a job though. My son has 2 days left of school and then they are on Christmas break. I really can't afford to take a break, but the last few days have been great not having homework. I had over 200 emails in my inbox yesterday morning that I just didn't have time to deal with before. I have it down to 89 now. The house is slowly but surely getting cleaner. It looks better, smells better, and I feel better about it in general. It's weird putting up all of my school stuff. I plan on taking classes on down the road, but feel like I need to get the job thing lined up first. I am going to have to pay for classes now, and I sure don't want to have to drop a class when I get a job. I am hoping I can find something that works with my sons schedule well. I know I will have to get a sitter for days he doesn't have school, and summer. He isn't looking forward to that. I need to find something full time. I am scared.

God bless, and keep me in your prayers.

After the meltdown

2006-11-24T21:06:00.000-06:00

Well, after yesterday I feel better. I got all the crybaby stuff out of the way. At least till it happens again. Anyway, I got a perm this morning and I feel different. That can be a good thing. My son doesn't like it, but its going to take some getting used to. I told him I am an old lady so its time I started having to do my hair all the time like an old lady. He told me to get out of the 60's and back to 2006. LOL. It really doesn't look bad, and I needed a change. I was tired of flat hair.

We worked in the yard this afternoon. It was a beautiful day and I had never mowed that last time it needed it. I mowed and shoved all the leaves around into piles, so tomorrow we plan on burning them if its not windy. Its supposed to be nice. We were invited to my aunts house for another Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't know if we will go or not. I have been a bad girl and have taken a holiday from homework. I have 17 files due for Adv. Software Monday, and then another batch on Wednesday, plus my 4th and final paper for history is due on Wednesday. (or Tuesday. I am afraid to look.) I may decide to get back in the groove tomorrow and start getting some of it knocked down. I feel better when I get it out of the way so I don't have to worry about it. I have to go to campus every day next week, so I need to get it out of the way while I have time. I have made notes for my paper, so at least its a start. LOL.

I better git. I just came in today to change over to the new version of blogger, and wanted to see what all had been changed.

God Bless.

I don't know what to name this post.

2006-11-23T22:58:00.000-06:00

Gee, aren't I inventive today. I had a list of things I wanted to discuss, but got here and drew a blank. Where to start?

We had Thanksgiving at my neices house today. Her baby girl is growing by leaps and bounds and is a beauty. We had a good time. The boys had a great time playing together. I got to talk to my brother a little bit. I miss him. We used to be close, but that seems eons ago. I guess it was. He has been married now for over 25 years. Wow. Anyway,the conversation started about our grandmother. She has given up and is waiting to die. She is in a nursing home, laying flat on her back. She doesn't read, she doesn't watch her programs, she just lays there. They make her go to the dining room to eat, but thats it. Then we started talking about Dad being sick, and then we started talking about Mom. I miss her still terribly. She was my best friend, my confidant. Dad told my brother that sometimes when he wakes up in the middle of the night he can't breath, and he know thats how he is going to die. He is ready to go to Heaven and see everyone, but its the rest of the journey there that scares him. Someone told him that with the disease he has that he will just slowly suffocate. I didn't know it, but my brother saw my mom the night before she died. He said every breath she took put her in such pain it was awful to watch. I didn't even know he saw her that night. All of us kids were spread out, my sister was at the babysitters, I was at the ministers house, and I thought he was at my aunts. But he was there. He got to see her. He said he didn't tell her bye because he still didn't think she was going to die. After talking with the minister and finding out she WAS going to die, I prayed all night long that I could talk to her one last time, but it didn't happen.
I am sitting here bawling like a baby. I am too old to be doing this. I was bawling while we were talking. I am 47 years old and still miss my mommy. Sometimes I think I am made of stone and have no feelings at all, and then I melt down like this. My brother said that Mom had said she had seen Jesus, and she knew what her purpose had been, and she was ready to go, and she did. Wow. I felt so selfish wanting her back knowing she would be hurting. I was 10, needed a mom, not a stepmother who treated us like we were intruders into her life. I am glad that finally changed, but it wasn't until years later. We get along ok now. She is taking excellent care of my dad, and thats what matters.

Time to change subjects. I saw a wonderful movie this evening. I finally got to see The Lake House with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. It was wonderful. It was about love spanning time and growing. Its hard to explain, but it was done beautifully. I guess you could say I liked the movie. LOL. I won't put any spoilers in here, but I think every romantic ought to see it. It gives me hope that there is true love out there.

I need to close and go to bed. I am getting a perm in the morning, hoping it will make me feel better. I think I have put all the weight back on that I took off, and need something to perk me up.

Good night, and God Bless. Make sure your loved ones know they are, and make sure and count your blessings.

Counting down

2006-11-11T10:57:00.000-06:00

Well, trying not too. That means the safety of school will be over, and I have to get back to the real world. I want to cuddle under the blankies and sleep through the process of me getting a job, and just wake up when I am established again.

One of my instructors realized he put 2 different due dates on our paper that was due, so he moved it to the second date. YAY! That gives me an extra 5 days, so we are going back to the microfilm at the library today. That is addicting, and I think I could spend hours down there. One of my other instructors had posted that there were two assignments due Monday, but (thank God!) there turned out to be only one. She dropped an assignment and turned it into extra credit, so I am going to try to get that done as well. Its not due till the day before Thanksgiving, so thats a great thing. I might actually get it done.

The meeting on Thursday went "ok." The new school psychologist was my instructor for algebra before I started going to school full time. I'm not sure if its a good thing, or a bad thing. She knows her math, thats for sure. But I think if we were left in a room together for too long, it wouldn't be pretty. Nothing specific, just a feeling I have. I had that feeling when she was my instructor, not just because she is holding part of my sons future in her hands. She made the comment that his fine motor skills were awful (at least thats the word I, as a mother, heard) but yet he can put model cars together. He can write nicely when he wants to, but he is so busy trying to beat everyone else at all costs, it doesn't matter the spelling or whether anyone can read it or not. He drives me crazy that way. He gets "done" so he can move on to the next thing he wants to do. He tries getting the crappy school stuff (that doesn't matter anyway, in his mind) out of the way so he can do what he wants. By doing that, he loses more time to be able to do what he wants as he sits in the deans office. He will have Saturday school again a week from today. It drives me BATS!

Anyway, I thought I would just check in, whine a little, and then get on with my day. Its almost lunch time and I haven't gotten dressed yet. Have a great one!

God Bless.

It's been awhile

2006-11-05T12:21:00.000-06:00

Life can get so hectic sometimes. I have been working a job, working on homework, working on my son, and even working in my sleep. (at least it feels that way.)

I will be done with school in about 5 weeks. They are doubling up on homework, and I have a paper due this week as well. I researched the paper yesterday, and even though it won't fit the criteria completely, it should at least get me some credit. I also have to read a book and do a review of the book, not a report. Cripes. So much to do and so little time. I bet the few who read this thought I had passed on or something. Its hard to believe I started writing daily, and now I skipped the whole month of October. I think thats the first time that has happened. 5 more weeks and the semester will be over, and I will be a college graduate. YAY. Sort of. LOL. I am always afraid of the unknown, I like ruts. School is getting to be a rut for me, kind of. Although it changes a lot, its what I have known for 2 years now. Then it will be time for me to let go of the tether and find a job in the real world. I could apply for a job where I am doing my internship, and I may consider that. There are a few problems with that, in that its only part time work, which I need full time, and I am not trained in some of the most important duties I would have. They would have to take me "in training" which I can get by with as an intern. I don't know if they would consider me or not. I am not sure the boss likes me, but the girl I work with says he is short like that with everyone till they work there for quite awhile. So I dunno. If I can't find a full time gig, I would consider it. As it stands right now, I am barely making gas money. Thats not a good thing. Money for bills would be nice.

The kid is still getting in trouble at school. I have a meeting with (it seems like) the whole faculty on Thursday. I am not looking forward to it. I just found out Friday, so I called his counselor to see if she can come too. The more the merrier! She isn't in the office on Friday's, so she won't get the message till tomorrow. I hope she can come. I really need the support. I met with the school counselor the other day. He said that G is very advanced for his age, and he is probably bored. I know he is very advanced, but you would think he would have figured out how to quit spending so many Saturdays at school, but getting his work done. I am going to make an appointment with the dr. to see about changing his meds. I don't know if that would help, but I sure don't think it would hurt.

Life keeps rolling along. I still don't have an mp3 player, still don't have time to work out at the gym. I have been taking homework with me to read. It never ends. At least not for the next 5 weeks. Than magically, it will be OVER. Crap. Sort of bittersweet. I love learning. I just want to be able to absorb all I am trying to learn. I still want to take classes, but now I will have to pay for them myself. I have to get a job, so I can't go full time, so I don't think I qualify for scholarships for part time. Since I will have a degree, I don't think I will qualify for the IMap grant or the Pell grant. I will have to find out for sure.

I better get to the homework. I am still trying to be a mom and told the kid we would go to the show this afternoon. God Bless.

Boogie On

2006-09-29T13:28:00.000-05:00

I don't know why that is stuck in my head. I haven't heard anyone say it, but its there and that is that.

The UPS guy got here with my new toy already. I almost named this post "Disappointment" but didn't. The display isn't working on it at all. I already have it ready to send back. I am glad I actually tried it before I hacked off all of the stuff for the rebate. The directions are written by someone who has something other than English for their primary language. Surely they could have someone who is a little more fluent proof read these things for market in the states, at least. Ok, enough of my anal retentive rant, but honestly, if they want me to buy it, make the directions understandable. I am not returning it for that reason though. I could have figured it out without the directions if the display would have worked. :(

I am taking this as a sign that I really can't afford one right now, and if the price is too good to be true, there is a reason for it.

I got todays homework done and turned in. :) YAY. I installed another MS program, Project 2003, for a class. I am getting updates to Office right now. It is going to take me over 10 hours to download all the updates I need. (damn dialup) but I am going to do them one at a time. This one should take about 4 hours, so the rest should be a piece of cake.

Yall have a great day.

God bless, and boogie on. :)

It's FRIDAY

2006-09-29T08:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, the days all tend to run together, but I didn't have a better title. The kid has detention tomorrow because of homework issues, so its going to be like a regular schoolday for him. He gets to sit in one room, doing homework for 6 hours. He gets a few breaks, but then they are back at it. I have to send lunch with him.

I discussed the homework issue with his counselor the other day during their session. (sometimes I get invited in.) I told her I had a problem to discuss, and he said he didn't want me coming in. She said she wanted to hear what I had to say, and then they would kick me out of the room. After we got there, she asked him first what he thought I was going to say, so he went through the whole homework thing, and how awful I am because I don't know how hard school is. HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am the one sitting there doing homework while he is in Taekwondo. I am the one taking reading in whenever we have appointments we are waiting for. He sees me doing homework all the time, but thinks I don't have a clue. Then he proceeded to tell her how awful I am because I take away tv, friends coming over, etc. She told him that it sounds like I am doing my job. Its his responsibility to earn privileges, not a right. She asked him who controls whether he gets tv or not, and he finally saw the light I have been trying to shine in his eyes since the whole not-doing-homework ordeal began. She sure knows how to explain it better than I do, and I just get so freakin angry, and that doesn't help matters. He told her how I yell at him about it, and she said "I am sure your mom is just so frustrated, and its hard for her to handle" or something to that effect. I am so glad he has her for a counselor. It doesn't excuse my yelling at him, but lets him understand why I do it. I am trying to fix it. I think if he can keep their conversation in his mind (of which I can remind him of) I can keep calmer and let him know that if he doesn't get his homework done, its his fault what the consequences are. I really do feel responsible when he doesn't get his homework done, like I am doing something wrong, even though I know I am doing the best that I know how to motivate him. Its his problem though, not mine. I am just so tired of looking like (and feeling like) a bad parent. I can still hear the voices in my head of my brother saying "My kids were never that way. I just beat their ass and they straightened up." Well, I am happy his kids were perfect. Spanking doesn't affect him at all. He would rather get a spankin than stand in the corner. He hates having to stand still for any period of time. God love him, my son is a unique individual, and I love him to pieces. He is my heart and my soul, and I would wither and die without him. He is definitely a challange, but it makes the victories all the sweeter.

The job is going well. We went around campus the other day asking if any faculty or staff needed help with anything. I had to ask the instructor that got me the job. I was afraid he was going to ask me a networking question just to test me, but he didn't. Whewwwwwwwww. Anyway, I went in nooks and crannies on campus I didn't even know they had. I met a lot of people I had seen on campus. I think I will get more comfortable the more contact I have with them. I get intimidated easily, so its been an experience. I have 1/5 of my internship done, so thats getting done and I am feeling a sense of accomplishment. Now if I can get comfortable in my new skin, it will be a good thing.

I will rant sometimes in the future about one of my classes. I will let the suspense build. LOL Actually, I get angry when I think about it, so I don't want to relive it at this moment. I need to get in the shower and get back to Attila the Huns homework thats due tonight, then start on Monday's assignment for her. Luckily I will get Wednesdays done before Sunday is over, so I can work on Fridays. Yeah, thats all going to be a small part of my rant. You can only wonder what the rest will be. Exciting reading, I am sure.

I am excited. I ordered me an Mp3 player night before last and its supposed to be here TODAY. :) He should be here around 4 pm, so I will have a new toy to play with. YAY. I can even use it to record my classes. I have my recorder for that, so it depends on how much room I have after I get my music on it. Yall have an awesome day.
For some reason, I just have to say "Boogie On". I tried to skip it, but it must need to be said.

God Bless. And Boogie On!

I have a job!

2006-09-21T14:44:00.000-05:00

Its a work study job, but it pays some. I am glad to be working on my internship now. I started Tuesday. Its on campus, so thats a good thing too. Its only 10-15 hours a week, for now. I only worked 2 hours Tuesday, but plan on working more tomorrow. Its in an office and the people seem really nice. I am excited. I will find out more of my duties and stuff tomorrow. I get to answer phones, and help people troubleshoot tech problems. :) I know, it sounds like heaven to me. Even though I have helped a lot of my friends and stuff, I am now doubting my ability to help anyone, so I have that hurdle to cross. I know its just the rejection/not good enough for anything deal from the job I thought I was going to retire from. This is my first job since then, when I had lost all the self-confidence I had. It doesn't make sense, but its the way I feel, and the way a lot of the people that worked with me felt when they laid us all off. It really has nothing to do with us personally about our jobs going to Mexico, it has to do with the greedy company powers-that-be who want to drive around in their Hummers. Who cares whether the economy in the states goes belly up as long as they have $6 mil in the bank? (that was the total of stock dollars the president of our company sold in company stock before he retired, or so I was told.)

ANYWAY, life goes on, whether we want it to or not. I am still studying my butt off, but haven't been to the gym for me in awhile to work my butt off. Its still there, bigger than life. I have gotten off track where the weight loss deal is concerned. The Biggest Loser came back on last night for the new season, so I am taping them to get the motivation factor back.

I have to write a paper that is due tomorrow night. I have the research, but haven't written anything. They called it "C fever" in a meeting I went to yesterday. When you have priority A stuff to do, you end up finding priority C stuff for some reason is more doable. Gee, maybe thats why I am blogging instead of writing? Ok, I best get on it. I have to WORK (yay!!!!) all day tomorrow, so I won't be able to work on it then, and I don't want to be glued to the computer tomorrow night because of a paper being written. I would rather be playing Pogo. (Sounds like I need to make a T-shirt to that effect!)

Have a good one.

God Bless, and thanks for the job prayers. :)

And the bitchiness continues.....

2006-09-12T12:30:00.000-05:00

I was doing better. Really. Of course, it doesn't take much to get the ball rolling again. I have a rant, a pet peeve, an injustice, a dumbing down of America RANT.

I am in college. Its a Jr. college, which some people act like doesn't count. They seem to think its a glorified high school. They would be wrong. I work very hard to get the grades I get. It doesn't come easy to me. I am in some advanced classes now, and they weren't kidding. I have Attila the Hun for Advanced Software apps, Thank GOD I like it, and it comes pretty easy to me. Its just getting the massive amount of work done she wants turned in EVERY THREE DAYS.

My other online class is History of Illinois. Now is where my rant comes in. Most of my online classes have been more technically related, so I haven't had to deal much with the general ed side of things. Not so now. I have noticed, particularly in the males compared to volume, that they either don't care, or don't know, how to write complete sentences. One guy left crucial words out of every sentence. This is for a grade. They don't use punctuation, capital letters, or common freakin sense. Apparently, no one taught them the difference between "no" and "know." I no what they mean. Cripes. These are supposed to be people that are getting prepared to enter the workplace as viable adults. Aren't they? I know I sure wouldn't want to hire them. At least learn how to use SPELLCHECK. Don't take an online class if you don't know how to use a computer.

I know its "just" a history class, but I like to be able to read the postings without trying to decipher what they mean. No what I mean? It really slows me down. Its like hitting a bump in the road. Ok, maybe I am a teeny bit anal retentive. There is nothing wrong with good grammar and decent punctuation skills. Now, don't go searching for my mistakes. I know I make them. On here I don't often proofread or spell check, but no one reads it anyway, right? Besides, its not like its for a grade. Its the difference between sitting in a classroom, trying to do quality work, and unwinding by blogging in my jamas sipping on a cold iced tea. Ok, I guess I am done. Except I sure hope the instructor points out the problems with those posts. I know its not his area of expertise, but I should think as an instructor he would find it his duty to point out the mistakes. You know, to help them become more anal retentive, like me. And also so it will quit pissing me off and taking my time away from my homework so I can blow off some steam and blog about it.

I think I need to get a life,although I can barely handle this one as it is. People just need to quit pissin' me off.

God Bless. Please pray for me to be able to extend a little more graciousness to those punctuationally/grammatically/ impaired.

(after running spellcheck, it wanted to change "freakin" to "foreskin." How funny is that! Hahahaha I am also not sure I spelled "punctuation" correctly as it wanted to change it to function. Hmmmmmmmmmm.)

Today sucks.

2006-09-11T18:57:00.000-05:00

Today would have been my daughter's birthday. She would have been 21 today. I have been bawling off and on all day. When my son got home, he had Taekwondo, then I was hoping to just come home, cuddle with him and watch TV till shower/bed time.

He decided to let one of the boys on the bus tear up his homework, so the boy would get the blame for him not having it. Needless to say, he is mad and upset because he has to do the whole thing over again, when he had it over half done. (He has to write 25 sentences with his spelling words with at least 7 words in each sentence. Then, I get to check them over and he has to correct what's wrong.) He had about 19 sentences done, but thought if he didn't bring it in, I wouldn't make him correct it. He told me the kid ate it. I called him a liar, and he said that he LET him eat it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am being a total bitch. He is in there crying, trying to get attention, and I am pissed. He has 1000 different excuses. I am tired of them all. He has 30 minutes to write 10 LEGIBLE sentences, or no TV after school.

I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I want a smoke so bad I can't hardly stand it. I want to get drunk just to forget. I can't do any of those. I want to scream from the mountain top. I want to stomp my feet, shake my fist, and cry buckets. I just can't. I miss my daughter terribly. I often wonder about how my life would have been if she was still in it, living breathing. 21 years old. Today. Its not like I can forget what day it is. Since 2001, and the WTC, every second the TV or radio is on, they mention "the day." Before the WTC, I suffered in silence, almost. I would cry if I had to write the date down, or just thinking about "things" but it wasn't shoved down my throat like it is now. There is no escape. Would she have been pretty? Would she be married now? A mom? Would we have the tumultuous relationship me and my son have? He thinks we have an equal partnership, and I have no idea where he got that notion.

I turned my paperwork in today for my last unemployment check too. We are going to have to survive on my grants and scholarships till I get a job. I am so freakin stressed. I wish I had someone to take care of me sometimes. I need to be held. :(

God Bless. Please pray for me.

Ok, I want to take my legs off.

2006-08-30T21:48:00.000-05:00

Just for awhile. Hang them up, or float them in alcohol till they feel better. I hurt so freakin bad. That eliptical is bad news. I have hurt bad since it woke me up at 4am. I have taken pills, I have tried to walk it off, I have used muscle rub, heating pad, self massage, just about everything but a chain saw and/or booze to get it to quit hurting. No luck. I just googled it, and it feels like the vastus medialis. All I know is, it burns when I sit, stand, move, breathe, don't breathe, shower, lay down, and sleep. Other than that, I feel like a million bucks. <----sarcasm. I know it will just take time, and I sure hope it stops hurting so I can go back to the gym tomorrow. I don't want to lose the momentum that I have. LOL. Ok, momentum isn't the right word. Its like going to church. You go every time you can, and it feels great. You may not like getting up early to go on a Sunday morning, but the commitment is there. Its second nature. You just know, and don't question. Then something happens and you miss one. Hmmmm. The earth didn't shatter. It felt kind of good sleeping in. So then on down the road you miss another one. Maybe no one seems to notice. Before too long its just too much effort to go. Thats where I am with church. I am afraid to get that way with the gym too. I have so much work to do.
The guy who owns/runs the gym is an extremely talented Christian. He does all kinds of things. Speaks at functions, records and performs Christian music, writes books. He is a very spiritual man. Its got me thinking about the God and church thing again. I think this is all happening for a reason.
I just needed to whine. (Hmmmmmmmm, wine sounds like a good idea. ;) )

God bless, and take care of your body. Its hell to get it back the way it should be (especially if its NEVER been like it should be!)

I am beat

2006-08-24T12:48:00.000-05:00

I just got back from the gym. I never thought I would say that. I am not a "gym" person. Anyway, Monday night the kid was in love. He had the kind of grin on his face I used to get after sex. It was that good. He was totally thrilled. He enjoyed the class last night, but he had a woman instructor and she was tougher on him. He said that women are always too pushy. I told him he has a lot to learn and she seems like a very good instructor.

I went Tuesday and started doing the cardio stuff. I actually walked on a treadmill for 30 whole minutes. I couldn't believe it. I kept changing the grade up and down and increasing the speed. I looked like a trainwreck when I was done, but I did it. A month ago I bet I couldn't have lasted that long. Then he had me do 2 minutes on the eliptical. Holy crap! What sadist invented that machine? I still didn't have my land legs under me after doing the treadmill, so I know I had to look like a drunk on it. After that he had me on the bike for about 10 minutes. Last night while the munchkin was in his 1/2 hour class, I did 15 on the treadmill. I thought the deal was I could only work out while he was in class, but I think that changed. I went back today to get trained on the weight stuff. He said to alternate days and do cardio 3 days a week and the circuit the other 3. So TOMORROW I am supposed to stick with the cardio. I'm not going Saturday, so Monday I will do the machines. I am going to find out Saturday for sure if my friend is going to sponsor him so we can both go. I really really hope so. There is no way I can afford it right now. He gets to go for 7 weeks for sure, but thats all I can afford. I hope and pray she comes through for us.

The instructor and I also talked about foods and stuff today. He said I am not eating enough. He said I need about 2100 calories a day to keep my metabolism up. He said if I lose weight, but not fat, he will know I'm not eating enough. Then I will be losing muscle, which isn't a good thing. It was interesting today on the machines. The hard part for me is getting on and off of them, and just remembering how to use them at first. I even used one of those great big balls. I told him that with my weight I have always tried to stay away from anything inflatable. LOL. He said they are supposed to hold up to 1000 lbs. He has some of his guys use those and lift weights while they are on it. Whewwwww.

I have to figure out how to get more calories in my diet, that are the good kind. He said I need to eat 3 snacks a day as well. Thats 450 calories per meal, and 150 per snack. I don't know if I can eat all that or not now.

I go to my first "classroom" class tonight. I have been working on my 2 online classes. So far its going well. I have history of Illinois and have learned stuff already. Not bad for 2 days. Well, I best get busy.

God bless.

Things are changing, again

2006-08-21T13:23:00.000-05:00

Well, today I went and paid off my house. My FREAKIN HOUSE IS PAID FOR! Now, if I can keep it from falling down, its a good thing. Since I have been on break, its been a lot cleaner, which is another good thing.

I have been wanting to sign my son up for Karate lessons. Being the puniest kid in his class and getting picked on all the time, I thought it would be a good thing. Since the funds just weren't there, I never checked into it. I checked today. A friend of mine said she would like to sponsor him, so I went in to price it so we could discuss it. Well, he can start tonight, so I went ahead and paid. I hope she still plans on sponsoring him. I am going to try to get in touch with her tonight. I didn't plan on signing him up today, but it was such a positive thing, and with what I paid today it will take care of 7 weeks. If we sign him up for long term, its $99 down and $79 a month. He got a free uniform and a DVD to watch and practice with. Lessons are 2 evenings a week for 1/2 hour. He said the higher they go, the longer the lesson time is. 1/2 hour is plenty for the beginners. He is going to be so excited when he comes home and I get to tell him. Another thing about him taking lessons, is that PARENTS GET A MEMBERSHIP FREE while the kids have lessons. I just signed up for a FREAKIN GYM MEMBERSHIP. I have lost almost 40 lbs, so this will be great. I think. I have to go over in the morning so he can show me the circuit, etc.I am a nervous wreck. I bought me a pair of sweatpants, which I will probably die in. I know shorts would be better, but no one is lookin at these gams just yet.

Classes start tomorrow, so thats a big deal too. I really have to get a job. I sure hope I can fit it in. :O

God Bless.

A new link

2006-08-13T11:10:00.000-05:00

I get Kim Komando's ezines and this site was in it. Oceangram Try it. Its really cool. I just thought I would pass that on. Have a great day, and God Bless.

Has it been that long?

2006-08-09T22:10:00.000-05:00

I am on break and can't believe I haven't posted before now. I got my final grades. I got an A in webpage, A in 3D animation, and a B in advanced hardware. I am very pleased with my grades. I worked hard for all of them. I think in hardware he took some mercy on my soul. He is a tough instructor, but I learn a lot, and thats the goal.

I have so far lost 35 lbs. since I started cutting back and dancing. It got me so funny when I got here tonight and the motivational quote was "Dance is the hidden language of the soul." By Martha Graham. I have been dancing my butt off. Literally. LOL. We haven't been going out walking much, so I dance. If I know I haven't been getting enough exercise, we turn on the tunes and I shake, rattle and roll. Well, not roll exactly, but jiggle a lot. Like a bowl of puddin. :) Tonight I tried on an old pair of jeans I haven't worn in years. They were tight, and I thought no way. Then I kept sucking in, and sucking in, and the zipper went ALL the WAY up, with me IN THEM!!!! Then of course, I had to do a happy dance. :) That will help me keep on keepin on. I have been at a standstill again, and not keeping with my program. Some days I feel like I could eat a whole cow. I have started making me a cup of hot chicken bullion, but the salt isn't good for me. Its helping me to feel fuller though. Maybe since I saw that result of the jeans it will help keep me focused on the goal.

I lost a cap off of my tooth a couple of weeks ago. Tomorrow is the big day to go to the dentist and get it fixed. I don't mind dentists. Just give me a shot so it doesn't hurt, and do your thing. The only problem now is, no insurance. I may have to make payments, but I talked to them about that before I made the appointment.

God bless. Still pray about a paying gig. Please.

One down, two to go....

2006-08-01T16:50:00.000-05:00

I got my webpage grade. One the website, I got 96 out of 100. We could go in and fix it to get extra points. She made some suggestions, so I used a couple of them, but the others were ones that my tutor told me only lazy web designers use. I had my pages all set out in tables so it would be easier to put the graphics and text where I wanted them, but after his mini lecture I took them all out. Almost. I left a few parts where I couldn't get it to format the way I wanted. When I got her critique, she suggested I use tables for the whole page. LOL. I politely declined, and told her that I had previously done that but was discouraged from doing so. My tutor does websites for a living, and teaches a lot of classes on graphic design, etc. I got 48 out of 50 points on the revision grade, so even though she disagreed, she game me almost full credit. All in all, I got 94!!!!!!! Considering I did crappy on most of the quizzes but got 100% on all of the assignments except for the 96 and 48, I am pleased. I really enjoyed it a lot.

Tomorrow is my 3D final. We got our checklist and he wants 20 different aspects done to show him. I have 4 so far, so I am going to work on them tonight. I am not as young and geeky as the rest in the class. The rest are young guys who walk into class, take off their shoes (for some insane reason, I have seen more than one do this) and just go to town on this program. No matter what cool things my instructor discovers, the guy in class who comes in every day looking like he never combed his hair from the previous WEEK and forgot his deodorant, and slept in his clothes, and whose girlfriend came in with him one night while I was working and had to fawn all over him because she acted like I wanted him (hahahaha)(she would shoot me a dirty look every time I spoke to him. Sorry, I prefer guys who can TAKE SHOWERS on a daily basis and know what a hairbrush is for. If you can't brush it, get it shaved off.) But I digress. He always has to think of a question that he knows the instructor won't know. Today our instructor was showing us ocean water, which was really awesome. A couple of clicks and it looked like a storm at sea. He had taken a cube and dropped in the water, and it rocked and bucked like it was getting tossed in the waves. Of course, genius smelly boy asked if it would displace the water blah blah blah blah blah. (it was about a 4 minute question) He thinks it makes him look smarter. Personally, I think it makes him look like an ass. Maybe thats just me though.

Anyway, I am excited about my grade so far. I have an A in 3D so far, but that could change tomorrow. As long as I get all 20 steps done, he said that to get an A you would only need to get one question on the written test right. I guess I better get to crackin. Some of the things he wants we haven't done since the beginning of class and I forgot how. Time to rock and roll.

God Bless. And please pray that I can find a paying gig soon. I'm scared.

Waiting is the hardest part

2006-07-29T22:44:00.000-05:00

My webpage is supposed to be graded today. I have been checking since I got home at 5 pm and the grade still isn't posted. I have gotten all positive feedback from classmates, family and friends. I had a couple of little things I fixed, but other than that its done. I put it quite a bit of time on it, to get it just the way I wanted. We had to do a site for either a business or a "not for profit," and I did mine on our local state park. I took all the pictures, used a few graphics and wrote the whole thing in HTML. I emailed the head of the park and told him he can have it when I am done. I haven't gotten a response yet. I sent it to a friend of mine and she said it was great. She started a chapter of The Compassionate Friends, so I am going to work on a website for them. They have a meeting Monday night so she is going to see what they would like on the site. I did a rough first page to see what she thought, and she said she is very excited about it. I am glad I can help in some way. She is a great friend and has been having a very very rough time since she lost her daughter. I can't even think about her daughter without crying.

This is my last week of summer school. I have a final in 3D animation on Wednesday, and hardware on Thursday. He gave us some ideas on what the 3D thing is going to be, so I plan on working on that tomorrow. We have to make an object that either uses gravity, and emits particles, it has to have some lighting, and some other things. He is going to make a checklist for us and give it to us Monday. I thought I would go ahead and work on it. I think I am going to make a vase with marbles falling into it, and then shooting back out like fireworks going off in the bottle. Sounds good to me, but actually getting it to look right will be the true test. LOL

Time to get to bed. I have 3D demons to wrestle with tomorrow.

God bless, and please pray I get a paying job. The car still isn't fixed, and I forgot to pay my property taxes before the rest of the bills. :doh:

Today is my special day

2006-07-16T13:05:00.000-05:00

Well, its supposed to be. Its my birthday. I hit the big 4-7 today. I think birthdays should be a special occasion, but they so often aren't. My son forgot until he had been up for about 3 hours, then it was like "oh yeah, happy birthday." Thats fine. He's nine. And a boy.

This is the first b'day for me since me and the b'f split. Its kind of wierd not to get too many presents I don't like or need. The only thing I really miss about that is the cake and ice cream. I don't need it, but it sounds good to me.

If you count my first weigh in of the morning I made my goal. I usually only count evening weight though as my true daily weight, so we shall see. I have fudged a little lately. I hit a plateau and no matter how many salads I ate or how much chocolate and steaks I didn't eat, the scales didn't go any lower. I cheated a little, but not much cos I knew my backside would have to pay the price.

I got up at 5 and started on homework about 6 am. I went back to bed at 8 with an incredible headache. I got up at 9 to the call of more homework. I feel like thats about all I do. I think about different classes in about every waking hour. There are only 2 weeks left of summer school. Then I get a break, but need to be looking for a job hard and heavy.

I have to pay property taxes this week. Just repairs alone has cost me more than I cared to spend. The yard was looking real wooly because the weedeater took a dump. It needed a new battery and that was $20. My homework lightbulb burned out and it was $5 just for the bulb. (halogen) Then, about 2 am the other night there was an alarm going off and it was my stove. It was flashing a code and the light was flashing too. I think the light was burnt out making the top get hot so it set the alarm off. I turned it off and checked the next morning, and it was as I suspected. I got a new light for it yesterday. Its just a fluorescent bulb, so it can't be too much, right??? $17 freakin dollars for a light. I shouldn't have got it, but I did. We use it as a night light in the kitchen so if anyone (son) gets up for drinks or to get on the computer (me) at 3 am there is a warm little homey glow. The tailpipe is hanging off of the car, but I can't get it off to take it in to get fixed. The truck is acting like the transmission needs some attention. If I don't get it looked at, before long I will have 2 vehicles I can't drive. I hope its just fluid. If I can get the car to town they said it would only be $69 to get it fixed.

The good news is: I am still dropping some poundage, I haven't died yet, and my son still loves me. Isn't that what life is all about anyway?

God Bless.

Confusion turns my hair gray

2006-07-10T16:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, its been awhile since I have been here. Everything has been going so wonderful I haven't had anything to write about. (Can you read the note of sarcasm in my typing???)

Today I went and got my resume back from career services. The secretary was out, so I stepped up to the office of the lady in the office. She gave me back my resume with a folder of tips and stuff for a better resume and interviewing skills. I told her thank you, and mentioned that I was scared to death about getting back in the workforce again. At this, I started tearing up. Geesh. What a wimp. I had never met this woman, and now I am on the verge of TEARS???? We went into her office and sat down and I apologized. We talked for a few minutes, and I felt better. Man, sometimes with this tear thing I can't predict when its going to hit me. I am doing a lot better, but its still not good. Am I going to do that if I get an interview???? Cripes. I don't have enough to worry about. I guess I can add that to my list.

I started writing this due to my webpage homework. I got off on a tangent before I even started what I intended. Yeah, I am fine. No, really I am. Quit looking at me like that. {insert maniacal laugh}
I am working on html for webpage. We have to write it all from scratch. No big deal. I am learning the rules, what is acceptable and what isn't. I have learned a lot already, but this book really gets me. The chapter I am on today is about frames. Apparently, from the authors perspective, frames are of the devil and don't work anyway. Even our exercise is to make it "look like frames, but don't really use them." If they don't want us to use them, at least for the homework, I don't understand the need to have us do this chapter. Ok, I do, but its a pain in the butt. "Here are the directions, but don't use them cos it doesn't work." (Not an exact quote, but the basics.) What really got me on this chapter was about 3 paragraphs on scroll bars and how to turn them off. I turn the page and the last sentence of the lengthy section says "There appears to be no good reason to turn off scrolling." I assumed it was important since it got so much space. I guess its more important NOT to do it. Its like someone giving you directions and saying "you know that road that goes down by the creek about 4 miles after the left hand turn about a mile down the road? Don't go that way. It doesn't go anywhere. Go right instead." I would be remembering the creek and driving till I found it, knowing since it was mentioned that I was going the right way. Why do they want to torture us so? There are whole sections on html and then at the end it will say that its been deprecated in html 4.0, but nothing else works so go ahead and use it. Then on the quiz the questions are phrased so that you know its deprecated, but you can still use it, so either way you answer its wrong. If I say yes, she will say, "but its been deprecated" and if I say no, she will say "but its the only way it works." AAAArrrrrrggggghhhhhh

Well, I better get back to homework. I just needed to rant. I do have some good news. I wanted to lose 20 lbs by my birthday, and I have 1.5 left to go. Still too big for a smaller size of pants, but I look like I can swim in them, so its all good.

God Bless, and pray. Pray for everything that needs prayed for. If there is any time left after that, you can throw one in for me, and maybe the W3C on this HTML stuff. Or at least the silly author of the book. He must have a great sense of humor. Or he gets lost a lot. LOL {wink}

Chicago

2006-07-01T10:18:00.000-05:00

I went to the Windy City yesterday. It could have been a little windier, but it was a beautiful day. I went with a group from school, so it was cost-free to me. Those are the best kind of days, because I didn't have to worry about if I could afford anything. We went to the Field Museum first and saw the King Tut exhibit. It was awesome. We only had 1 1/2 hours there, so it wasn't enough time to see many other exhibits, and I kind of dashed through that one, but it was all good. I got a picture of Sue, the dinosaur and got a shirt for my kid. (he hates when I get him shirts, but for economic concerns I would rather get him a souvenir that is useful instead of something he will look at and set down never to pick up and look at again.)
After that we went to a wonderful restaurant in downtown Chicago. We were supposed to go to Bubba Gumps, which I would have loved, but am kind of relieved we didn't. We ended up going for Thai food, which I had never had. It was wonderfully spiced except for the gargantuan amounts of cilantro. I am not a fan of cilantro, so even a tiny amount seems like a lot to me. It was Vong's Thai Kitchen, so if you are into Thai food or don't know and in the Chicago area, that would be a great place to go. We had a real good time. Bubba Gumps was going to have a hard time accomadating our group unless we ordered before we got there and they were only going to give us about 3 choices instead of all the menu items. I understand, but was disappointed. I was relieved we went to Vong's because of my diet. I have lost over 25 lbs from my all time high, and want to keep the momentum going. From glancing at the BG menu online, I don't think I could have opted for something lo-cal. The Thai was a ton of veggies, with little meat and lots of spice, so it was perfect.
After lunch we got back on the bus and went to take a tour of University of Illinois Chicago. It was a LOT of walking, but very enjoyable. Afterward, we got back on the bus and headed home.
The bus driver was the most cantankerous man I had seen since my grandfather passed away back in 1982. He told us most of the way up there about how they had to talk him into taking the trip since the construction is going on, and no one wants to do Chicago anymore. He said not to get mad at the bus driver for whatever happens. He also said that he drives a lot of the longer out-of-state trips for the school since he isn't married and has nothing to keep him home. Gee, he is so charming, I wonder why he is still single????? <--sarcasm. He had no idea where we were going, nor how to get there. While we were in the museum, he had 1 1/2 hours to figure out how to get to the restaurant. He had the address, a map, and a packet with the itinerary. We get back in the bus, and he asks "where to next?" He said he had no idea where that was, so they got on the phone with the restaurant, told them where we were, and how to get to them. It was a mess. They had to call them back while we were making our way to them, since the construction wouldn't let us go the way they had suggested. After dropping us off, he was supposed to come back and eat with us, but they called and he was staying with the bus since he had to park 20 blocks away. When he came back to get us, he came from the other direction and there was no bus lane, so we got one while he was sitting at a light. It was not a good thing. He had to sit through about 3 lights and people were honking. I don't understand how people don't know the meaning of the word "hurry" but it drives me bats. I don't blame him for getting upset then. Cars behind us were honking, it was awful. We got out of there and got to the university early though. We were supposed to have some time to kill between eating and the tour, but it was taking so long to get anywhere they decided it would be best to get on with it. I'm glad.
I have to get back to homework, its going to be a very busy day. I HAVE to mow the yard today, rain is in the forecast for the next 4 days. I have an assignment that is due today, so that comes first, then mowing. My uncle called and they have some extra zucchini I can pick up, so I would like to go over there later. I plan on grilling out some chicken breasts for dinner and thought I would try grilling some zucchini slices.

Have a great day, and God Bless.

Oh my

2006-06-17T13:50:00.000-05:00

I was reading back through a few of my posts and realize how much I don't write about whats going on. I guess since I am just writing for release for me it doesn't really matter, but as for using it as a diary to keep track of what was happening at the time, its sorely lacking. I also haven't been posting as much lately.

I am back in school and have been for 2 weeks. The advanced hardware class is enough for the whole summer with nothing else. The first day he assigned 44 pages of reading, and being all tech stuff I fell asleep after the first 2 pages. One night he assigned us over 30 pages of reading and 80 pages of "skimming." (which to me means turning pages while I am thinking about something else.) He is gone next week, so he gave us a project to do. We are to study 24 different motherboards, fill out forms for all of them, and rate them as to beginner user, expandability for a medium style user, and which is the best for a techie level user. No problem. I have nothing better to do. YIKES!

The 3D animation class is fun. Its amazing what can be done with a few clicks of a mouse. Of course, the same instructor teaches it. While he is away at some speaking thing, we have to make a head with eyes, a body with hands a feet, attach everything, and make the eyes move together at the same time. LOL. It may not sound like so much, but after only having the class for two weeks, I am no where near body mode yet. I bet I will be by the time he gets back.

The web design class is fun. Eventually, when time permits there may be a few changes to this site. I have tried to fix the spiderman post, and maybe when I get into more html I will be able to. I can't figure out where the problem is. Anyway, my friend complained about all the homework she had in that class in the regular semester. I was hoping since this is summer semester and half of a regular one that she would cut some parts of out the assignments. Boy, was I wrong. She just has us do 2 assignments a week instead of the one they had due. LOL. I love my computer, don't get me wrong, but I also like to get away from it from time to time.

I have been losing weight. On purpose. LOL. I have been able to see numbers on the scale I haven't seen in a long time. (they were there, but it just zoomed past them so fast!) I feel so much better, even though I have a long long way to go. I went back to Fitday and am keeping track of everything I eat. I am also doing my activities there. Its great. It gives me reports on if I am getting enough nutrients, if my intake is being burned for the day, and also lets me know how much weight I need to lose every week to meet my goal. Its helped to keep me accountable. I thought about lying once or twice, but since I am the only one that reads it, who would I be lying to? I would still know, and it wouldn't be accurate. So there. I am still posting my steps at America on the Move as well. I have been really good keeping up with both of those, which is another reason I haven't been here. They are both helping me to stay motivated. I am a member of the yahoo group of The Fat Man Walking and keep up with that too. If some 400 lb guy can walk across the United States, I can get off my fat ass and move more often. Its helping a lot, and I think its just what I needed. I know people are doing it, so it must not be impossible, right?????

I have things to do. (like homework. LOL)

God Bless, and keep me in your prayers. The job market is SCAREY!!!!!!!!

A rough day

2006-06-09T19:05:00.000-05:00

I know part of it is the overwhelming homework, the worry about a job, money, just the normal daily stuff. School started this week, and the first day I had over 60 pages to read for the next day.
My son has seemed especially trying today. Its been one of his "talking marathon" days, which sometimes just put my teeth on edge. He will ask me the same question 5 times a day, and I will give him the same answer every time. He doesn't listen long enough to hear the answer. If I ask if he heard me, he yells "YES, I HEARD YOU!" Then 10 minutes later he will claim I never answered him. I know part of that has to do with his ADHD, but it drives me batshit.

I am a network administration major. I put a NIC in my sons' computer the other day, and got the router out today to finally get them connected. Well, I can't get it to work. Yep, I am college educated in the art of networking, and can't even network my own damn computers. Note all the cussing? I am a tiny bit irritable today.

I got out one of my old cd's to dance a bit and get some exercise in this sorry body of mine. The music was one that I used to party too. (Georgia Satelites) We used to play it during the beer drinking games, (which was the only way I could drink beer. YUCK!) Anyway, I danced to a few of the songs. It felt good. I danced with wild abandon while my son laughed at me. I didn't care. After I got pooped out, I got one of my notorious wine coolers I bought over a year ago. It tastes so lovely I may have to have another. (I still have two left.) Sometimes I miss the partying a little bit. I just wish I had someone to share my life with sometimes. Not only for me, but he could take G out fishing or something for awhile and give me break. I love my son, don't get me wrong, but there are some days where he never stops, and I have so much stress on me besides him, it gets tough for me to handle. The job thing is really stressing me out. I got my internet bill today, (which I pay every 6 months cos its cheaper that way.) and I had to pay my charge card bill. Its a disaster. A few more months and I will have my house paid off, but then the unemployment stops, so at least I will have a roof over our head, just maybe no lights or heat. Its a scary thought.

I had better close. I am tired of bitching and tired of thinking about it.

God bless, and count your blessings. I need to focus on that for awhile.

My son, my son.

2006-05-30T23:09:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to do. Tonight was his first little league game. He was awful. Not as far as batting and catching, which he can learn to do better. He was awful as in playing in the outfield, picking up the dirt and tossing it in the air, turning around and looking at the lights, taking his cap off and turning it backwards and just continuously playing around. I was embarrassed. The coaches would tell him to be ready, put his cap back on, stay awake, etc. They kept telling him to back up on the grass, but he would just get to the edge so he could play on the dirt. I was sitting behind them and I think they weren't sure if they should yell at him or not. I am an awful mother and went up to one of them and asked him to tell him to focus and pay attention.(I basically asked him to yell at my son across the field.) I am afraid he is going to get hit by the ball if he isn't even watching the game he is supposed to be playing in. We had a talk about it tonight, and I told him he is letting the team down if he is going to be messing around and not taking care of business. I think he thinks it should just happen and he doesn't have to do anything. I told him its something he needs to work and practice at. I told him I didn't know whether to let him go ahead and play if he is just going to do that, he got upset, so I am hoping it will sink in. I am really hoping he starts maturing up to his age level soon. There is going to be a lot more problems in his future I am afraid if he doesn't. A little messing around is fine, but enough is enough. They only played 3 1/2 out of 5 innings. (the score was 13-3, no way they could catch up.)I know its good for him to be involved in sports, but not if he continues to do this. The coaches (an I as well) have told him its not peewee league any more, and the rules are more strict. One of the boys on his team is also ADHD and they go round and round. I told him tonight just to stay away from him. The coaches aren't there to be babysitters, and they should be old enough to take care of themselves without someone having to sit between them. It drove me crazy! I need to relax more, but I am hoping he can get his act together soon. I want to be able to go to a game and relax, and not watch him acting up. He doesn't think anyone will ever hit the ball out that far, so he doesn't care. I have tried to convince him that the boys are bigger now and hit a lot harder than the ones he played with last year. He may have to learn the hard way. :(

God Bless, and pray my sons hard head won't get beaned with a ball. :(

Which Superhero are you?

2006-05-29T12:34:00.000-05:00

Hahaha!

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		85%
Batman		75%
Hulk		70%
Superman		65%
Iron Man		60%
Robin		47%
Wonder Woman		45%
The Flash		40%
Supergirl		30%
Green Lantern		30%
Catwoman		20%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

What I learned on my summer vacation

2006-05-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

1. No matter how hard I wish it, my house won't clean itself.
2. How to thread a weedeater string.
3. I can spend whole days getting nothing accomplished, and not feel guilty.
4. The guilt-free thing only lasts till I look around at the interior or exterior of my house.
5. My lawn mower hates me.
6. I need to learn how to get rid of yellow jackets. (the bees, not clothing attire.)
7. Walking a lot and drinking a lot of water makes me feel better.
8. My sons teachers aren't all bad.
9. I'm scared of the unsureness of my future. (oh wait, I already knew that.)

Ok, thats the list. I know its kind of short, but I have only been out of school for 2 weeks. I have one full week of glory left before its time to go back. Sigh

I am confused by a friend of mine. She says I am like her best friend, but I don't know. I don't know what being a best friend means to her. I have tried to confide in her, and I know it doesn't go any farther, but she has an odd attitude I think. My opinion is if someone is down and needs to talk, you listen, nod, and maybe even say "I know it has to be hard" or something to that effect. When I mentioned about being so sick and tired of driving 74 miles a day to school and back for me, (she lives less than 5 miles from school) she says, "yeah, me too, but we can't fly." We were talking about some other things that are affecting both of us, and I guess the grass looks greener on the other side. I think having one income is better than having none, even if you are used to 2. She thinks its harder to get down to one income than have none coming in. ????? I am not trying to outdo her. I just want her to count her blessings instead of getting so upset. It could always be worse. I know I have some obstacles ahead of me, and it scares me shitless. But I am thankful for what I have, and the things I have made it through.

I am still logging my steps every day. It helps me make better decisions about my exercise and eating habits. I have lost 13 lbs so far. I am still retaining too much fluid, and still have no idea why. Today the belt on the mower came off, so I called my stepmother. She was coming over to pick strawberries this afternoon so said she would help me get it on. Meanwhile I went to use the weedeater, and the string ran out. Then I got the pushmower out and showed the kid how to trim around the trees and poles and stuff, and showed him 2 and told him to go on from there. While I was weedeating he went around those 2 things, put the mower back in the garage and went back in the house to watch tv. Thats not going to happen next time. He is old enough now to get some more responsibilities. I push mowed for awhile and got a lot of mileage in today. It was up to 89º when I was push mowing, so needless to say I didn't get a lot done. I was a wringing wet mass of sweat when I got in the house. I called my nephew about the mower belt, and he said its supposed to be even hotter tomorrow. I went in and turned the central air on. I am not going to suffer like this again tomorrow. It wears me out.

I need to get to bed. I am whooped. God Bless.

Changes

2006-05-18T22:15:00.000-05:00

I started this blog when my friends daughter was killed in a car accident. She was almost 17. I didn't have anyone I could talk to about my grief, so I wrote it here. I was just thinking about my friend. She has made a lot of changes, and has her ups and downs, which is very understandable. She is starting a sort of foundation in her daughters name. She is trying to do a collaborative book to raise money to help people in need. I applaud her for this, and I know her daughter is pushing her on. She would be so proud of her mom.

Her graduation from high school is this month. I'm not sure when. I know that her class is carrying a candle in her honor during the ceremonies. I was hoping to get to see my friend while I was on break from school, and thats when she told me. She is mourning all over again, and I understand. I mourned when my daughter should have started school. I mourned her when she would have gotten her drivers license. I mourn her every birthday she should have had. Sometimes I secretly and quietly mourn her when I see the cute little girl baby clothes at Walmart. I know my friend does the same. My heart hurts for her so sincerely.

I thank God so much for my son. Even though he is bullheaded, thinks he's boss, and knows everything. (sometimes its like looking in a mirror.)

God Bless. Please say a prayer for my friend. She needs all the support she can get. Thanks.

:)

2006-05-12T23:29:00.000-05:00

Another semester over. Thank God. and I mean that! I don't know what I got in math yet, but I have an A in psych, a B in wireless, and a C in security and server. I wish it was better, but it could have been worse. I wanted to crash on the couch and watch a movie with my kid, but he had a better invitation. (sniff sniff) So, my big night as a free woman, not a care in the world, and the wild woman I have become, I watched a tv movie tonight, and then played pogo for awhile. I am ready for bed now, and I forgot to celebrate with my wine cooler even. Geesh. Some party animal I turned out to be. I am even bored with myself.

I am going to take my boring old self to bed. Maybe I will dream of knights in shining armor coming to sweep me off my feet and take me off into the sunset. Hahaha. I quit believing in fairy tales a long time ago.

God bless, and thank God that finals are over. Whewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Hahahaha

2006-05-12T08:25:00.000-05:00

I have a final in one hour and 32 minutes. I get inspirational emails so I thought I would read one more for some divine inspiration before the exam. (like flipping the pages of a Bible, and sticking a finger on a verse that turns out to be just the one you needed at the time.) Well, I open the next one that comes in my inbox, and lo and behold, here is the title:

"Help, I Have Lost My Mind (again!) - May 12, 2006"

Ok, I was looking for something a little different. I had already knew that. lol This was a great confidence booster to see. ??? LOL. Here is the rest of the article:

Help, I Have Lost My Mind (again!) - May 12, 2006

"For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? But
we have the mind of Christ." (1Co 2:16 av)

In the hectic and messy lives we all live, it is easy to loose our
focus. A common expression we use is "I have lost my mind" or someone
might ask you "are you out of your mind?" I have a perfect answer for
you next time someone asks you the second question; say "yes, I am out
of my mind, I have the mind of Christ"

God has given us a wonderful roadmap to knowing Him better. What is even
greater is that He has not given us a "piece of His mind", but rather He
has given us the whole thing. It is all perfectly contained in the
Bible, the unaltered word of God. If you find yourself thinking you are
about to loose it, or you are struggling with anything that keeps you
filled with anxiety, go to the Bible. I guarantee the answer is there.

I have fairly regularly globe trotted over the last few years on
different mission trips. I love it when I tell relatives and friends
where I am going. The response I always get is the "are you out of your
mind?" Next time someone asks me that I intend to tell them that I am
out of my mind, and promptly ask them to join me in leaving my mind
behind. Maybe I can just leave it in the back pocket of my jeans at
home?

Contributed by Carl Holmes:

I get these mailings daily from here if you're interested:
http://mrmom.amaonline.com

I better get going. I have to do a quick flip through my Bible before I leave. Lets see what the next message I find that is planned for me on this day.

God Bless, and keep a lookout for some divine inspiration.

God's subtle hints.

2006-05-08T21:21:00.001-05:00

I play at Pogo quite a bit. Last night I was there playing some solitare minding my own business. I like to unwind, and play whatever strikes my fancy. (come of think of it, I don't ever recall having my fancy struck, and not even sure what they mean by fancy, but I probably would have known if it was struck at any given time.) Anyway, I was reading the chat while playing. I go to the same room to play solitare because the people seem very nice, and they all seem to know one another, so its like witnessing a family gathering when someone pops in and they all say hi and ask how the family is, etc. Its amazing how people can get close without ever meeting. Anyway, I usually don't say much. I am not a "regular" in there.
Last night when I was reading the chat while I was playing, someone came in I had never seen before. Someone commented on how they hadn't seen them in awhile. They asked after his health, and how everything was going. Well, he said that they were close to losing the house. There wasn't anything really that he could do, and he was questioning whether it is worth living or not. They talked for quite awhile, and I just read. The person they were talking to had to leave, and most of the regulars weren't there. It got real quite, and no one was chatting. They have private chat on there for members, so I thought maybe I should chat with him and let him know that people care. I talked myself out of it. A lot of people meet on Pogo to hookup, and I didn't want him to think I was hitting on him. Some women are so desparate for attention they will hit on men who are married, act like jerks to them, etc. I didn't want him to think I was coming on to him. So I go on with my game. I am thinking about this poor man and his family. Apparently he can't work, and he said his wife is working her fingers to the bone to try to hold onto everything. I keep playing solitare. I say a prayer for him under my breath while I am playing. I feel for what his wife is going through. Working hard and worrying about losing their home, and him being so depressed, and the kids not caring. I keep playing. I think I should talk to him, but geesh. He doesn't know me, I don't know him. I keep playing. I pray about it, his circumstances, his family, whether I should talk to him or not. I keep playing. I go to flip the next card, and nothing happens. I click again. Nothing. Everything else seems to be working, except the game. OK, OK! I got the hint. The chat still worked. So I private messaged him. Its those subtle little hints that God give me from time to time. (its like someone standing behind me and shoving me into dong something I am hesitant to do.)
We chatted for awhile. I told him he needs to let his wife know how much he appreciates and loves her, and that as long as they are a team they can get through whatever comes their way. I told him not to give her more to worry about. It would be awful to wonder if you were going to find your husband dead when you got home. You just never know. He was very chatty, and I hope it helped him just being able to talk about it. I told him I would be praying for him and his family, and I have been. Quite a lot. I know prayers can work miracles. God just doesn't always give us the answers we want.
I am going to bed. I am beat.

God Bless, and let people know you care. Maybe it will help.

Almost done

2006-05-06T22:21:00.000-05:00

One week left to go. I have 3 exams on Wednesday and one on Friday. A lot of prayer for me would be very appreciated.

I found myself snapping at my son all day today. He talked all day long, from the minute he woke up till about 20 minutes ago. I could have sworn he didn't take his meds today. I asked him nicely to calm it down. He started making all kinds of noises. He was testing me, and my patience was gone. I was getting really angry. We went and got groceries, and I lost it. I know if anyone heard us they would have thought I was an awful person. He would go off making some outrageously loud obnoxious noise, and instead of saying "calm down, or be quiet" I would clench my teeth together and go "SHUT UP!!!!!" I hate that phrase. The kid was driving me crazy, and was enjoying it. We stopped at BK after shopping, and I realized I only had one cup of coffee today, so I was having caffiene withdrawals. I quit drinking pop again, so I haven't had a diet pop in about 2 weeks. Until today. I can feel the blood coursing through my veins again. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! I love caffiene. I don't even feel like roaring at my kid. Maybe cos he went to bed and is being quiet. :)

We had city wide rummage sales in town today. We took the stuff that was leftover from the last sale. We set it up at a ladies house that my stepmother used to work for. It was about 7 am, and it was set in the paper to start at 8. People started coming as soon as we got there, and they already had about 3 massive tables of stuff set out. The lady started screaming (I am not kidding) that the sale didn't start till 8 and we weren't open yet. I think she thinks she is doing the public a favor by letting them touch her stuff with the option to buy. My philosophy on that is, if you see anything you want, buy it. If there is a box we haven't unpacked that looks good to you, feel free to root around in it. A sale is a sale. At the end of the day, the old bitty only made about $25, my stepmother made $124, and she almost threw all the stuff away after the last sale. She said it wasn't worth dealing with. Its a pain in the butt, and I really hate rummage sales anymore, but she had some nice stuff. I quit going since I end up buying someone elses junk and never use it. The only thing I have bought in the last few years (besides a few articles of clothing for the kid) was a cloth angel who sits proudly on my shelf in the living room. She is a beautiful whimsical country angel.

I had my first session with my new therapist yesterday. She seems very nice. She said I don't give myself enough credit for what I do, the same the therapist-in-training said. I don't know if she read it on the chart or what. We had a nice talk. She said it sounds like I am doing all the right things for G. I am so worried I'm not. I don't want his life to be as screwed up as mine was. I know how it feels to be picked on as a kid. I felt better after talking to her. I started reading a book called Raising an ADHD Child, A Parents Handbook, (or something like that. I care more about the content than the title of the book.) I haven't made it very far into the book, but at least I feel that I am not alone anymore in the way I feel, the way he is being treated, and the reflection that is put on me as the parent. Thank goodness there are others out there. Anyway, once this week is over, I plan on devoting a lot of time to walking and reading this book.

I haven't been going for walks like I was before. Too many projects due and not enough time. I have one homework assignment due for Monday, which is actually a practice final for math, which is going to be very helpful on remembering what all we covered for the semester. I am going to do it tomorrow. Then I just have to concentrate on studying for the finals, and I can have some downtime. The kid goes to school for a couple more weeks after I am done, so I will have some free time to go for walks by myself, nap when I want, and get caught up on Dr. Phil and The View. ;)

I better get to bed. God Bless, and say a prayer for me. Thanks.

One down, 4 to go

2006-04-29T22:21:00.000-05:00

I got an A out of my psych class. YAY! I have two major projects due this week. Procrastination is going to be the death of me. It was raining today which would have been a great excuse to not walk and just work on homework. Needless to say we drove for an hour to the local outlet mall and did a little shopping. :)

I got some New Balance shoes. I heard they are really amazing and make a world of difference. Its a good thing they were on sale! Ouch. I just hope they work. In the store they felt like I was stepping in a cloud. I hope it feels that way when I am on the trails in the woods and pounding the pavement. I ordered a thing for my knee today for some support, but it may take two weeks to get here. I really hope to get a lot of walking in during my break from school. I need to build my confidence up before I have to go job hunting, and if I am feeling better that will help tremendously.

I got some smiles today while we were walking around the mall. I wore my "I beat anorexia" t shirt. :) I am having a friend design a graphic for a shirt for me. She keeps putting old ladies pictures on it, and I want a younger and somewhat vibrant looking woman on it. I want it to say "I'm still hot. Now it just comes in flashes" I got it in an email awhile back and thought it was shirt worthy. I like to wear my "Its cute how you think I am listening" to class sometimes.

It sounds like its getting ready to storm again. The grass is really growing fast, but I can't get out to mow till it dries up some. I am going to have to bale it when that happens I am afraid. I had to wear the hat my dad gave me when I bought the mower off of him. He said I couldn't use the John Deere unless I wore the hat, so I did. G got some pictures of me and I put them on a disk for him. He said he wanted to use it on his computer. LOL. I don't like hats, but I wore it the whole time. It was some of those pictures that also motivate me to walk. I better go before the weather gets worse.

God Bless.

It seems like forever...

2006-04-23T21:39:00.000-05:00

since I have spent much time on my blog. It's so very self serving, so if I spend too much time messing with it when I have so much other stuff to do I get the guilt trip. I send myself there often enough. This blog has really helped to get out a lot of my frustration so it doesn't pop up in my normal functioning life. I can write down here how angry I am, how scared I am, how unlovable I feel at times, and no one else needs to know. Most people I come in contact with find me funny, smart, pretty unflinchable. If they only knew. It often makes me wonder about other people. Does everyone hide as much of themselves as I try to?
I know when I was a kid we had tornadoes out by our house. It was my mom and me at home. She was sewing away on the sewing machine which happened to be facing the window. We were listening to the radio and she made sure we could get to the basement. I remember it was a really gross basement, and we never ever went down there. I don't know if I was ever down there at all the whole time we lived there. (about 5 years.)She was so calm cool and collected. I thought if she was that calm, why should I be upset. Come to find out she was petrified. She was a great actress when it came to that. I miss her.
For my therapy I have been walking. I haven't been able to walk as much as I like, or as I should, with time being a big constraint. My fear of dogs is becoming overpowering, especially since the neighbors have 3 dobermans now, a mom and two pups that are almost full size. They let them out a few times a day. They try to keep them in the yard, and the mom does pretty good, but the pups always seem to find me when I am outside. I try to keep calm and walk slow but steady to the house, but I tell them to go home, and they start growling at me. Scares the shit out of me. Needless to say, we don't walk around our town. Too many dogs and no leash laws. There is no one to report to except the sheriffs dept. about them anyway. I would rather talk to the neighbors about it first anyway. We went to the state park this morning and walked, then this afternoon, after completing some homework and making homemade ice cream, we went back to the nearest bigger town and walked around. My knee is still killing me, but as long as I take plenty of aspirin it feels better. I am hoping if I keep working it out that it will get better. I really need to lose some poundage, and its been helping me and the kid have some time away from home and gives us time to talk.
I have two full weeks of classes left, and then the next week is finals.
My psych class is all done except for my test tomrorow. For one of our final assignments, she asked what was the most important thing we learned. I wrote that I learned the diagnosis for my depression. I know now that I don't always have to feel this way, that it is fixable. At least the book gave me a name so I could research it. (dysthymic disorder.) I am so glad that class is done. I am hoping that will free up some time so I can get to crackin on some of my other classes. Two of them are right on the cusp of a grade, so I am going to at least try to bring them up to a safer zone before the finals.
I am going to go to bed early. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

God bless.

A quiz...

2006-04-16T11:42:00.000-05:00

The Loyal Friend

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

We had to explore some online psych quizzes for class. I am so glad this class is almost over. The site has some important information, then I find things on there like "Are you a geek?" and "The Dr. Phil quiz." If interested, I don't know if its clickable or not, but it gives the website I think.

I hope everyone has a joyous Easter. Its beautiful here today.

God Bless.

Threatening news for me

2006-04-12T20:29:00.000-05:00

My son has been on the medicaid program since before I lost my job. According to the guidelines, we qualified, so they paid the difference from the insurance that I had on us. Since I don't have insurance anymore, they paid his med bills in full. I was told I should sign up, so I did. I just want a temporary thing since I hope to be working soon. I got a letter today that I am supposed to fill out this form to continue the medicaid by going after my sons father. That was why I quit the program before, but they had assured me that the program was a lot more lenient than it used to be. I started to go through the process before, but ended up recieving threatening phone calls all hours of the day and night from him and his exwife. (They were divorced for 2 years before I went out with him, but he was using my son to try to get back together with her. Everyone knows he couldn't take care of a kid even every other weekend without help.) I was accused of getting pregnant on purpose, not telling him when the baby was born, etc. It was all lies. They are both very jr. highish and seem to thrive on drama. When I had started through the process before, they told me that they would interview me first before contacting him, so that if I felt it would be a threatening situation, we could discuss it. They lied. I got a call from him a few weeks later with him ranting and raving about how they wanted all of his financial records to see how much he had to pay for "the little bastard." I told him he wouldn't have to pay anything and went to the office the next day and stopped the whole thing. I called him and told him he was completely off the hook. No problem.
When I signed up this time, they said thats not even an issue, so here it is. They will drop us from the program if I don't comply. Of course I can't comply. I am hoping they will just drop me. I have only had the card for two weeks, but I don't have to go to the dr. I would rather rot than subject my son to that SOB. He only wanted anything to do with him as a pawn. He used to call me up to flirt with me, and wouldn't even ask about G. He said he was going to help out. So far in 9 years I haven't seen anything. He told me once he got him a hat for Christmas, but that never materialized. I wish I could have gotten to a dentist before this happened, but if my teeth are going to have to break off on thier own, then I guess it has to be. :( I sure hope I can land a job with good insurance.

God Bless, and say a prayer for us. Thanks.

Words of wisdom...

2006-04-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday is history
and tomorrow is a mystery
but today is a gift
That's why it's called the present.
Let's all remember each day has endless possibilites for
making this world a little better by our words, acts and
priorites.

Author unknown

IT'S FINALLY HERE!!!!!

2006-04-09T22:09:00.000-05:00

Spring break. YAY! I feel better already. Its nice not to have the stress of deadlines for a little bit. I do have homework to do, and want to get as much of it done as I can, but at least it doesn't have to be done by tomorrow. Whewwwwwwwwwww.

I saw my counselor Friday. I had to write down my plan of action. Part of my plan involves better physical and mental health. I think if I get more physically fit, that my mental health will follow. I hope it works out that way. I know before when I had lost a lot of weight I felt so much better about everything. I just feel so lethargic and uncaring right now.

Me and the kid went for a walk in our local national park. I found a great trail for me to walk on. Slow and steady wins the race, so thats the one I chose. There was no one there when we got there, so that made it even better. Its only a 1/2 mile trail, so it says, but I think its longer than that. After walking it once, people started showing up, so I thought we could drive to another area of the park and walk. Well, no place compared to that one, so we went back. We took an even longer extension of it, and I was doing great. My overly energetic youngin had to run from time to time to catch up with me. I had to take breaks for him. He had to look at the bugs, trees, squirrels, etc, and I just kept on keeping on. If I break my stride too often it really wears me out, and my focus is to walk walk walk. I logged 6500 steps today, which was good. Sundays are usually spent in front of the computer doing homework all day, but with Spring break (did I mention that I don't have school for a whole week?????) I didn't have to worry about it. For my "plan" I am supposed to go walking in the park 3 times a week. She wanted me to say how long or how far I will walk, but since I am in such lousy health, I just plan on starting and then increasing as much as possible. I plan on pushing myself. After I got around the track the first time I was ready to go again, but he who won't be named had to take a break, so we drove around for 15 minutes then went back and did it again. My left leg is killing me. I need to get some new shoes. I will check into that tomorrow.

I need to get some sleep. Thats another part of my "plan" that I didn't mention to the counselor. I know I don't get enough sleep, and I really think that wears on me.

God Bless

More self analysis

2006-04-03T17:59:00.000-05:00

I am not doing homework. I have a pretty big assignment due tomorrow. I have been playing pogo, spending time with the kid, cleaning house, cooking, and doing anything else I can do to avoid the homework. I don't know what I am doing on it, and I guess in my way of thinking I would rather be able to tell the instructor that its done so poorly because I ran out of time instead of the "I don't know what the *^%^ I am doing." I do that often subconsciously I think.

I went to see my counselor Friday. Since she is an intern she only has about 4 weeks left till she graduates. She said I never give myself enough credit. When enough people treat you like you don't matter, why should I give myself any credit? They must know, right? I think part of the problem is that I put on such a good front of taking care of myself and everything that pertains to, that no one thinks I need them, or anything else. I am tired of needing someone and no one being there.

We have spring break next week, and I am sooooo glad. They are going to pile on the homework, but at least I won't be logging as many miles. The kid gets out for part of my break, so thats extra good. I hope the carpenter won't be coming so I can sleep in. I have to get the lumber for the trim and get that polyurethaned before he can put it in. I may pick it up Wednesday, it depends on what the day brings.

I better hit the books and try to figure out what I am doing.

God Bless

What the hell is wrong with people?????

2006-03-29T21:19:00.000-06:00

I would like to think that people are all good at heart, sane, compassionate people. I know the world isn’t that way, but what a wonderful place that would be. I think its called Heaven.

I am about to give up listening to news altogether. I listen to a popular Chicago radio station. It’s a talk station, and it stirs up the brain cells from time to time. It helps me figure out which side of the road I am on. I agree with some and not others, so at least I know I am not like a sheep, at least most of the time. I don’t trust media, politicians, hardly anyone actually. It seems they all lie to work towards their agenda. I thought media were supposed to go after the truth, but they keep putting a spin on things. It depends on who writes their check and I hate that. Who can be trusted now adays????

Anyway, that’s not the main reason I am thinking about taking a break from news. Today I heard two very disturbing stories. The first one was about a man who was supposed to be tucking his daughter in while the mom was downstairs, and the little boy was asleep. Apparently he strangled the little 8 year old, shoved her head in the toilet to drown her, and when they found her poor little body she also had a knife sticking out of her neck. It’s hard to drive to school when you are openly weeping. What horrible thoughts were going through her mind? The person who is supposed to love and protect her was strangling her. The person who is in charge of protecting her from people like that was sticking her head in the toilet. On the way home they were discussing it again, and someone stated they thought he was doing something to her and she threatened to tell her mom or at least someone. That could be very possible. What kind of animal would murder his child, and that way???? Is there any hope for the world with people like that in it???

On the way home, I heard another story. Some youths were taunting a homeless man. He mooned them, and they proceeded to beat and stab him till he died. What the hell????? I don’t understand people. If you aren’t going to show compassion to people, then LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE!!!! What is so hard to comprehend??? I don’t get it.

God Bless, and please pray for humanity. I am so very sad. :(

I'm caught up!

2006-03-26T21:21:00.000-06:00

I got the homework done, and all turned in. My online classwork is due at 11:59 pm on Sunday night. I have 3 activities, a message board to post on, and a quiz to take. Last week, I turned in two activities, took the quiz, was relieved that I got a good grade on it, and went in to finish watching a movie with the kid. At 12:01 (no joke) I was laying there feeling like I was forgetting something. Then it hit me. I didn't turn in the last activity. That was 25 points I blew. I ran in here, booted up, got online, got to the site, and it wouldn't let me post. The system had already shutdown for the dump. Crap. I composed an email to the instructor, told her I realized it was late and woudn't be counted, but if she could still grade it so I knew how I did I would appreciate it. I explained how it was my fault, and I was just so happy to get a decent grade on the quiz that I forgot. She didn't mention it when she graded it, and then I saw that she had posted the grade, so that meant that she counted it. HURRAY! She knows I am honest I think, from a question I posed to her earlier asking about a website she wanted us to use. She said I was the only one concerned about copying from the site and by my asking it showed her my honesty. Also, since it was a Word document, I imagine she checked the revision date and time to see when it was completed. Whew. I am glad I didn't feel the need to make any changes before I finally submitted it. So far I am getting a B out of that class.
No homework for math, so I don't have anything due till Tuesday. I am going to work on that tomorrow so maybe I won't be finishing it up just before class. I hate when that happens.
I had my 2nd session with the intern Friday. We still aren't even done with the paperwork, but she said next week it should be done. She asked more questions, and I gave her honest answers. She asked about sexual abuse when I was younger. I told her I didn't think it was abuse, just exploration among children, only I was the only one that didn't know it was wrong. My parents were the kind who thought if we didn't know anything about it, that it couldn't affect us. If I would have had a clue it was wrong, it wouldn't have happened at all. I was the youngest in the bunch, and when there are 3 people acting like it was nothing unusual, except you weren't allowed to tell anybody, it took a while for me to realize. When I questioned it, it stopped. Except for that once, but that got stopped before it started. Long story, maybe for another time. Maybe not.
I told her about my friend who had been sexually abused when she was younger. She turned out quite different than I did. She blamed herself. Hers was an adult that abused her, and in my way of thinking, adults know whats right or wrong, and they should have more control. I still can't understand why she would blame herself. She didn't come onto him. I hear that about abuse victims blaming themselves all the time, and I don't get it. The intern said that I had even made the statement that my parents wouldn't have believed me if I told them. I agreed, but said too that it never happened again. I put a stop to it. Then she goes into how I am a strong person, and not everybody is. I told her I sure don't feel like a strong person. I guess I am. I see women who couldn't find their way out of a paperbag with a map, and it amazes me that they can function in daily life. I think some men like that because they feel that they are needed. I need someone too, but someone stronger than me. I can't feel safe with someone if I have to do all the thinking and the saving. I can't act like the helpless female, it gets boring. Besides, what if no one wants to help me? Hmmmmmmm, that is probably the real problem. I am strong because I have had to be, not because I want to. I am afraid to depend on anyone too much because there is a good chance they won't be there.

On a happier note, (time to switch gears here) I am officially old. That doesn't sound happier, but on this occasion, I will admit it. I have been listening to Uncle Kracker, whom I adore, and then we were listening to our movie soundtracks. (Scooby Doo, Robots, Shrek, Shark Tale, etc.) These are the only "newer" songs I can really get into. Today while I was working on homework, I decided no dancing music, time to sit on the bottom and get the work done. I started playing my "oldies" playlist and got into Mama's and Papa's greatest hits. I know all the words, and was having a great time. That is music. It brings back memories. I was barely in high school when I had a big giant crush on this kid who sat next to me in sociology class. I never paid attention in class, but doodled a lot. I remember writing California Dreamin with assorted hearts, doodles, etc over and over again. That night they played it on the local radio station and I just knew he had called it in for me. Well, maybe not, but I couldn't believe it was just a coincidence. I wonder if he is single? He lives less than 15 miles from me. (wink wink)

I finished reading the whole journal to date of the fat man walking website. He has sure came a long way. I was sorry to read about his marriage ending though. I hate that two people can't work out their differences when there are kids involved. It sounds like its amicable though, so thats better than not. I wish him well on the rest of his journey.

I had better get to bed. Things to do, places to go, people to see.

God Bless.

FatManWalking

2006-03-26T09:01:00.000-06:00

I heard about this site on The Daily Buzz Friday morning. I sat here yesterday morning and read as much as I dared, time wise, and am doing the same thing today. Its amazing what this man is going through. More than a few things he has said on his site have spoken to me. This quote keeps running through my brain:

I have been battling my food addictions all along this journey and some days are better than others, but it is stress that can turn a successful couple of days into lost time with as little as a day of indulgence. Oddly, I do not particularly enjoy food and don’t overeat to treat myself. I subconsciously want to eat to relieve stress and sometimes that desire can lead to almost epic internal conflict that demoralizes me even more than the overeating does.

This loss of control and my inability to force myself to do the right thing is hard to face and again leads to more stress. The whole cyclic dynamic of binge eating is a self perpetuating mechanism that can only be stopped through introspection and understanding of the root causes. But introspection and loss of control are two things that mix like gas and fire in the soul of a troubled person, and this seems to be a paradox of human frailty and the desire for instant gratification.

Of course I am looking for some answers in my own life but I cannot avoid the philosophical implications of my discoveries along the way. This is true for me in every aspect of my life. It is not well enough to know that a thing exists I feel a powerful urge to understand why it exists. Unfortunately, I think that this makes it harder to feel that you have achieved any success because you know that for every bit of growth there is an infinite amount left. In fact the more I learn about myself the more I realize that I have been living in an illusion posing as reality. This may seem grandiose to you but if you really think about what we have to accept to get through our days you will so see that this self-delusion is not that difficult.

I am over halfway through the journal postings, and have to stop soon to do the Sunday homework, but had to share. This guy is an inspiration for me, thats for sure.

God Bless, and I hope you enjoy the site. :)

What breakfast cereal are you?

2006-03-19T23:06:00.000-06:00

Grape Nuts
You scored 77 Kindness, 85 Intelligence, 83 Style, and 53 Humor!

Crunchy, healthy, and a burst of wholesome goodness. You clearly know
this already. Work on boosting your style, and hit the books, and who
knows what your breakfast futures may hold.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 57% on Kindness
You scored higher than 71% on Intelligence
You scored higher than 85% on Style
You scored higher than 42% on Humor

They're gone. :(

2006-03-18T16:08:00.000-06:00

The parents got moved this morning. I had tried to tell them it wouldn't take long, but even I didn't expect it to go as fast as it did. I didn't go over to help, because I would have started crying and I am too damn tough for that. (Ok, maybe I'm not, but I have to keep up appearances, right????) Anyway, I went over to see how it was going and they were already gone. (It was less than 45 minutes after they arrived to help.) The church was helping them move, so I knew it would go fast. My brother and his son in law were outside having a smoke and told me I had missed the whole thing. He said there must have been 40 people or so. I know the church takes great pride in the volunteerism they have, and it shows. They have a good time when they help people move.
My brother told me I would regret the day I told them about the property. I still don't. He said today, "well, you finally got them off of your back, and now I have them back on mine." I told him I didn't want them to move, and I think he was surprised. I started tearing up, but I turned so he wouldn't see. I really enjoyed the closeness we had with them next door. I know we can go visit anytime we want, but now I won't be able to just pop over whenever I feel like it. The difference is a 30 second walkover compared to a 30 minute drive one way. I will miss them.
Dad said I could have their mailbox, so I went and took their name off of it today. :( He had put my old mailbox up for me when vandals tore up my original one. I had the best mailbox on the block till they moved in and put mine to shame. LOL. Now its mine. I would rather have the neighbors though. :(
I hope my brother can get his priorities straightened out before Dad dies. That really bothers me a lot. I don't want to have any regrets about anything. Dad knows I love him. He couldn't even look me in the eye when he said he thinks we got to know each other a lot better since they moved next door and got closer. (ok, am I NOT my fathers daughter???? Our motto: "Don't ever let them see you sweat.")
We are going to have to go to town later. They got mail today and the change doesn't take effect till Monday. I know they didn't think they would be out of here before mail ran. It gives us a chance to check out the new place. :)

God Bless.

Nothing can be simple.

2006-03-17T10:01:00.000-06:00

For now I am showing a double post. Its not a double personality or anything. I am hoping it will disappear as I have deleted it, and went back and its still there. (yeah, I cleared my cache, checked another browser, cleared that cache, checked again, and its still showing up for me.) When I click on the link for the post, it says Not Found, right next to the double post. Geesh. I am hitting the shower. Next time someone reads this, the offending post may be gone, and you may think I need to call my therapist back soon. LOL. I am depressed, not crazy. LOL

God Bless, and have a great day.

Time sure flies when you are busy....

2006-03-17T08:37:00.001-06:00

I can't believe its been so long since I posted. I am trying to bring my grades up, my parents are moving tomorrow, and I went to what I thought was my first therapy session last week. Turned out its still part of the paperwork. ??? Anyway, she said we should be done filling out all the forms after my next appointment. Good thing I am not suicidal. LOL. She asked me if I ever thought of hurting myself. I laughed and almost said, "I am depressed, not crazy." But instead went with the "nope. I am too busy and have too many responsibilities, and it never occured to me." I don't think I am going to mention that I used to pray every night that God would take me as I slept. He hasn't yet, and now I have a son that I don't want to be motherless. I think I must be here for a reason, I just don't know what.
To me this depression thing is a bump in the road, I am just tired of the long ass freakin bump it has become. Too many changes too fast, a kid who can't be trusted to tell me the truth, my parents moving, the need of a job, and the ending of my funding for school in September. I told the girl, (turned out she isn't a full blown therapist, she is an intern, which is fine.) that one of the things I want to do is find out how to deal with my son, his school, and his ADD. She said its about me for this hour, so concern myself with me. One thing I think she needs to learn that if its about my kid, it IS about me. How can I be content and happy if I am not sure if I am doing right by him???? What if making him slave over homework every night because he tries to get by without doing it at all isn't the right thing? (yeah, I know, it makes sense to me to teach him he can't just NOT do stuff, but I have been reading about ADD, and holy cripes. I just don't know some days.) He has had 4 days of late stay so far. He has to stay and work with the behavior specialist from school till 6 pm on those days. He was only supposed to have 3, but he snuck out and onto the bus the first day he was supposed to stay, so I took him back to school and we scheduled another night as well. Yesterday he was supposed to stay in and work during lunch, but went outside instead, so she scheduled another late stay for Monday. I told him he is only making it harder on himself by trying to get by without doing what he is supposed to do. I feel like its tough love, and I try to not let him know I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I didn't do homework when I was a kid either. Its a deep dark secret I can't admit to him. I had to spend some recesses in too, but by myself. I remember roaming around the room the whole time they were outside playing. See, they thought they were punishing me, but I didn't like going outside. LOL. The joke was on them. I still am not a big fan of the outdoors. There is so much to entertain me in the house. (Not a good thing, I know.)

Anyway, classes are still crap. I am still doing ok in math, which suprises me. Its doable, so I will just have to keep on keepin on.
Oh, I told the 12 year old intern therapist (not really, she is very sweet and seems like she knows what she is doing. Cute and perky, but not obnoxiously so. People just look so YOUNG to me these days.) that I feel bad over not feeling bad about the ex b'f. I haven't shed a tear for me, but feel bad that my son doesn't have a guy around now. Since the breakup I have been sleeping better, going to bed earlier and not getting up in the wee hours of the morning for a couple of hours and going back to bed. Its like he never existed. It sure says something to me about how much I cared over the last 3 and whatever years. (3 1/2 give or take a week or 2 I think.) I do feel bad for him and wonder if he is unemployed yet, and what he is doing about it, but I think thats just the mother in me. He can't take care of himself very well, and will probably sit in the house feeling sorry for himself and cussing me for my drinking ways and how now I probably have all these men parading through my house. LOL

Well, its time to hit the gazelle and get showered and dressed. It has to happen sometime.
God bless, and have a great day. :)

Which is it?

2006-03-08T10:23:00.000-06:00

Success and failure would seem to most to be the opposite end of the spectrum. Right now they seem so close to me that I can't tell the difference. I read an article this morning asking the question if you are sabotaging your success. Ummmmmmmm, yeah. I find myself doing this. I know I have been afraid to lose weight and get in better shape for a long time. If I do, I might attract men again, and this leads to putting myself out there and possibly getting hurt again. Thats a no brainer. I am still working on the losing weight though. I am going to be job hunting soon and need to look and feel better.

I am doing poorly in school this semester. I am doing more playing games online than I am homework. I know I am sabotaging my classes. I am afraid. What if I am not good at my chosen profession? I find it confusing. Its not like I thought it would be. I knew it would be hard, and I have to get out of my comfort zone, but did I take on too much? Maybe I would have been better off sitting on my ass all day, doing telemarketing or something. Nope. I wasn't good at that either. I couldn't sell magazines to old ladies on a fixed income.

I am supposed to be doing my math now. I have class in a few hours, and it takes me 45 minutes to get there. I have been playing solitare. Then I read the article. I have to change things. I need to work harder and smarter and concentrate on my goals. All of them. I need to be doing that instead of sitting here in the middle of the morning in my nightgown eating mac and cheese when I should be showered, math done, reading on the chapter for tomorrow. I gotta go.

God Bless, and pray for all the underconfident people you know. It could be me.

Another week and a half...

2006-03-06T21:39:00.000-06:00

and my parents are moving to the new place. I hope they like it, but we will miss them a lot. I told a few friends about the place, and one family that I told came over to take a look. They are a nice family. 5 kids, and the dad works full time and goes to school. The mom was going to school, and thats where I met her at. The dad was in one of my classes, and fixed a computer for a friend of mine. She is a stay at home mom for the time being, but plans on going back and finishing school. One of the boys has a health problem and they thought he was going to have to go to Chicago for extensive surgery, but they think a better option may have been found with less healing time and better mobility for him. And its closer to home, so thats a good thing. My parents said today that they had talked to their creditor, and the only problem was that they need a foundation underneath, so they are going to be sending some people out for estimates. I know my kid would love it if they moved next door. He wants someone in the neighborhood to play with so badly. I think it would be a good thing for all of us. I told the mom I felt bad I wasn't keeping up with them as well as I should, but explained about how school is such a pita right now. She understands. Her hubby is a dj for parties, and works full time in a factory besides. She said he graduates in May and they can't wait. I think that will be great for them. He should get a good promotion out of the deal I would think.

I am supposed to be working on homework thats due tomorrow. I hate school. I like going, but I hate homework, and I hate walking out the door feeling dumber than I did when I walked in. Today in math she asked me what I would do first to solve a problem she put on the board. My mind worked furiously for a moment wondering if I should say something smart ass, or just answer. I took the answer way out. Luckily it was an easy one, and I knew. I really hate it when I don't know. I am almost to the point where I need a tutor. I will see how the homework goes for that class after I get tomorrow over with.

Kidlet didn't have school today. He went with me. We took our newly aquired truck. Kidlet took his dvd player and was thrilled that we have a cigarette lighter that works. He didn't have to use his battery power all the way there and back. The windows even roll up and down. Even the drivers side. I am not used to that. Its refreshing. The radio really sucks though. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Then the clock will go in and out, and you can't tell where the channel is on the radio. I finally got my favorite station programmed in today by starting at the front of the dial and going till I heard a familliar voice. Not a good thing to do when its raining mixed with snow. Oh well, its done now. :) If thats the biggest problem I have, I will count my blessings. (at least till I have to drive the whole trip with no radio. Then I will cuss it, then count my blessings.) I better get the homework done. Yeee hawww.

God bless.

Let it go!

2006-03-04T09:26:00.000-06:00

I hope to aspire to this someday.....

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk
away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left. Think about it, and then ....

LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"

God Bless.

Romance

2006-02-28T20:25:00.000-06:00

I was thinking of my all time favorite song today. It's called Dancin' Shoes, and it was done by The Faith Band with Carl Storie. He is the person that wrote it. It was wide released by Nigel Olsen, who was Elton John's drummer. This was back in the 70's. I love the song. It's about finding love across a room.
We saw Carl Storie and the Faith Band in concert back in the late 70's when Peter Frampton was trying for a comeback. They were a band out of the Indianapolis area. I fell in love with the song that night. To see the author perform it with feeling was awesome. One of my friends found the album and bought it. I borrowed it about 6 months later and kept it for like a year. LOL. When she asked for it back I am sure it had a rut worn in it. I finally found the album and bought it. Then stereos with turntables got to be hard to find.
One night while surfing the net, I did a search for Carl Storie. I found his website, and the phone number for his publicist. :) I called and she told me where I could get his cd's at, since the music had been rereleased. Needless to say, I sent her the money and she got them for me and sent them. I bought his old one on cd that I used to have, and his newest release. He is solo now, but still performing in the Indianapolis area.
It's still awesome. I love the new album even better than the old one. My dream date I think would be to be swept away to Indianapolis to where he is performing and slowdancing with my dream to the song. Sigh. I think someone would really have to care to do that with me. Ex b'f wouldn't have ever thought of it, even though I mentioned where he performed at. He was too concerned about what he couldn't do than ever caring what he could do.
I don't know why I thought of the song today, but started singing it on the way home. Its been humming in my ear ever since I got here. :)

I had some bad news today. One of the guys I worked with passed away this morning. He was a dirty old man, but harmless. He was one of the sweetest people I had ever met. He wasn't quite with the program I don't think, but everyone who knew him cared about him. He took care of his mother for years till she passed away. He had diabetes real bad and used to be a heavy drinker, but had quit. He worked at the plant for a very long time, and quite a few were worried about what he would do when he got laid off. They didn't know how long he could make it, since that was all he had known. He left this earth this morning. Bless his soul. He was a kind funny man, and will be missed by many. :(

God Bless you my friend. :(

Sicker than a dog

2006-02-26T22:21:00.000-06:00

I don't know where that saying came from. I have heard it for years, and said it for years, and I don't know why. All I know is I have been under the weather for the passed two weeks. My son only went to school one day last week because he was sick. He didn't get to play in his last basketball game cos he was hacking everytime he would take a deep breath. I was almost over mine and he gave it back to me. Now he is doing great, almost, and I want to curl up and die.

I have so much homework but can barely think. I had to do my psych homework today since it was due tonight, and barely got it done. I have a big project to work on for Tuesday, so I will have to crack down tomorrow on it. I really feel like shit. My head is pounding, and its full of snot. I am sneezing, wheezing, eyes running, nose running, sweating, freezing, ummmmmmmm, and breathing. Sort of. I sure hope it passes soon. I feel so attractive. NOT.

Sis came down again Saturday. Brother and his wife and family were at my dads. We were so sick I didn't dare go over or let son go over to play with the kids. Poor G felt so bad. He wanted to play and even offered not to breathe while they were here. I told him I felt like our whole house was infected, so they needed to stay next door. I felt bad for him.

I have been trying not to think about the ring thing, again. Of course, if someone tells me not to think about something, of course thats what you have to think about. I don't know why I didn't get the ring, but I know that if I did, it would stay with me till I die. I want to cling onto everything that had anything to do with my mom. At least with my neice it will stay in the family. When G grows up and gets married, I don't know if I would want him to give it to his bride since divorce is so prevalent these days. I have my mother's bible. I have the memory of her reading to me, and going to the library a lot. I have memories, more than my sister has, I am sure, but probably less than my brother has. Life goes on.

God Bless, and let your loved ones know you care.

Yikes!

2006-02-23T21:06:00.000-06:00

I went for an evaluation today for counseling. I wasn't sure what I was going to talk about. I have a mental list, but I'm not really sure what should take preference. Being a better parent is at the top of my list, thats for sure.
Anyway, the woman that I talked to was very nice, and knew what she was doing. Either that or I was just hungry to talk to someone who HAD to listen. She started on one subject, and they kept leading to other ones. By the time we were done, she had over a page, and we went 1/2 hour over time. We talked about the job thing, the kid with ADD thing, the Dad thing, which lead to the mom thing. I didn't even mention the b'f thing, but I probably will have to sooner or later, because of the kid. She asked me if I had ever been on antidepressants, and I told her about when I was on them back in the 90's, but she didn't ask why, and I didn't say. That seems so long ago now, but it changed my life completely. I go back in two weeks or so. For not being a cryer, I sure let it go today. I hate when I wimp out like that. Its so unlike the public me. I was very emotional today for some reason, even on the drive over there. I had just got done talking to my dad, so that was fresh on my mind. He had told me yesterday that he enjoyed living next door to us, that we got to know each other better. I am really going to miss going over there whenever I felt like it. (or whenever he was having trouble with wordpad. LOL)

I turned him on to M$ Word yesterday. I showed him wordart. LOL He is having a ball. He showed me the verses he has been typing and had a different style on the header of each verse. He was so proud. My sister came down to pick up the bookcase, and he had to take her back and show her "the project." It was good to see him enjoying himself.

While my sister was there, dad mentioned how I had mom's ring. I told him I had never had mom's ring. Sis piped up and said that brother had it, gave it to wife, wife gave it to my sis, and she gave it to neice. I have no idea why I never got it. It just went around me. I don't know if I will bring that up in counseling or not. I try not to wonder why I didn't get it. I wish she would have told me before she gave it to neice though. just so I would be prepared and not be shocked when she opened it in front of me when we did Christmas at Thanksgiving.

I found out Tuesday that ex b'f has lost his job. My friend (that had introduced us) and I were talking, and her husband works at the same place. They are both out of a job in a few weeks. He has been checking out his options, but I know ex b'f hasn't done anything. Thats normal for him. I feel bad that he can't talk to me about it, and I almost sent him an email telling him I was sorry to hear the bad news. I am afraid he would think it was an opening and he would want to get back together. I told my friend that I would be praying for all of them. It's affecting the whole office staff. (a takeover from a company that already has office staff in a central location.) I really hope he makes it ok. The timing really sucked I think. There is never a good time though.

Well, God Bless, and pray for dislocated workers everywhere, even me.

Its just dreams

2006-02-20T19:38:00.000-06:00

I had another one last night. Every time I remember a dream, I try to write it here. I don't remember them very often, and I imagine it has something to do with my sleep pattern (or lack thereof.)

I was over at my uncles house. My aunt was at work, as usual. I sometimes stop in to see how they are doing, and we usually end up talking computers. He will "discover" something really cool, and show it to me. (like changing color on the font in an email, etc.) Anyway, on this particular day, we were sitting and talking. He got up, left the room, and came back with a walmart sack. Seeing as how Walmart is so popular around here, you see those bags about everywhere, for every purpose. I use them at Christmas sometimes for packing material for presents. Anyway, on with the dream.... he walks in and hands me the bag. He is smiling really big and has a glimmer in his eye. Now, as far as my uncle goes, he gets excited over things that a lot of people don't. For instance, the glimmer stays the same whether its a dirty joke, or the latest craft deal they bought off of QVC. The boyish smile reminds me of the younger uncle who was healthy but scary. He has mellowed a lot, for which I thank God for. I am sure his family does too. Ok, anyway, he hands me the sack, and I wonder what he has got into now. I sit it on the table, pull away the sack, and inside are parts of my fond memories of my youth. I first take out my jewelry box I had as a little girl. The ballerina that twirls on her little spring is still intact, and spinning to Fur Elise. I loved that jewelry box. It had all my tacky little necklaces and rings. That was before I had my ears pierced, but I had a turquoise ring that belonged to my mother that was in there. When I looked, the ring was in there. Just like the day she gave it to me. Honestly, I don't remember if she really gave it to me, or if I took it after she passed away. If she didn't hand it to me, I am sure she would have, or did in spirit, anyway. There was nothing else in the box, except the ring and the once broken ballerina. The only other thing left in the sack was my mom's old sewing kit. I think every woman in the world had one. At least every woman I ever met had one. It had been years since I had seen it, but I remembered it right away. I opened it up, and touched the things she touched, I inhaled to see if I could breathe some of the air that she had once breathed. I picked through everything, trying to find something left of her. My uncle was talking about where he had gotten it, but I don't remember what he said. I just remember the awe I felt at touching something my mom had touched. Her fingerprints and memory are still on my heart, and sometimes I think I can still feel her arms around me. I know she watches over me and my son.

I don't know what ever really happened to the sewing kit and the jewelry box. I am guessing the trash or rummage sale. My stepmother is notorious for getting rid of stuff that she doesn't want. My mother passed away in 1970, on February 23rd. She was 34. I just noticed the date is only a few days away. My dad always remembers, but doesn't ever talk about it unless my stepmother isn't around. She is still jealous, after all these years.

God Bless, and hold your loved ones tight. Even the ones only in your memories.

It's official

2006-02-18T11:16:00.000-06:00

I am a free woman. He mailed me my house key. I got it Wednesday or Thursday. (It's the "not remembering which day of the week it is because of brain overload" thing.) I sent him the email I had written previously after editing it a little bit. I didn't want to hurt him. Here is my email to him:

Thank you for the key. I got it today.

I can't be what you want me to be. I can't be who you need me to be.

I just can't do this anymore. My dad is dying, my son is getting in trouble on an almost daily basis, and you always think I am running around on you. If you can't trust me after all this time, you never will. I know you have been hurt in the past, and so have I, but that is the past. I have never given you any reason to think I was messing around but its always the first thing you think of.

I DO have a ton of homework, and I have been neglecting a lot more of it than I should by being available Saturdays, and being online every evening to chat with you. I can't do it anymore. I need to do what is best for me. I need to spend more time with my son and not feel bad about not being online chatting with you.

You put a whole lot more into holidays and stuff than I do. I think if you love someone, show it daily instead of making a big deal out of one day a year. I know you show me you care, so to me spending Valentines day together isn't a big deal, and I'm sorry it is for you. I wish I could be what you need, but I'm not.

I am just so overwhelmed with everything. You need someone who can spend more time with you. I can't. I wish I could be that for you, but its not going to happen. I am sorry it ended like this. We had some good times together. Take care of yourself, and **** too. You will both be missed.

Here is his response (an offline message) :
I tried to send you a reply, but my stupid computer wont let me send any mail out.. not reply...not compose...nothing...good thing i learned copy & paste...sorry it wasnt an email...I didn't think you were fooling around. I just thought a couple should be together on a special day like valentines day. I thought if you couldnt make time for "us", then perhaps you didnt need or want an "us". I am finally started seeing what you saw a long time ago. You once said you saw no future for us. I see it too. I'm sorry I waisted your time you could of used doing other things. I'm sorry I waisted 3 years of all our lives. Please forgive me for all my blunders along the way. Tell **** I'm sorry I wasnt special enuff to become his dad. You & **** will be deeply missed.

So there it is. I haven't shed a tear, but my boy has. I am sorry for his sake, but I am glad its over. I feel a lifting of spirits here, and now both of us can get on with our lives. It's funny the comment he made about not thinking I was messing around. He brought that up every time I had 10 minutes in my day I couldn't account for. Man, its been a long 3 1/2 years. Whewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Time to get ready for the boys game. God Bless.

And it is done....

2006-02-14T21:24:00.000-06:00

I am currently b'f less. I feel good about it. Its not official, but since we aren't speaking to each other, it may stay that way. I am relieved. I haven't told my boychild yet, and that concerns me the most. He really loved him a lot, but I couldn't do it any longer. We got into a major disagreement, but instead of discussing it, he made a jackass decision, so it made it a lot easier for me to be done with it. Here is how it played out....

I am chatting with him on Thursday evening, trying to do homework. He said he kept Tuesday open. I asked "what for?" He said to spend Valentines with me. ???? I am bogged down with so much homework its almost to the point of forgetting what day of the week it is, much less taking an evening off. I set aside every Saturday for him. I don't pick up a book that day, so I can be sociable. He gets an attitude, and I know he is angry. He always cares about holidays a lot more than I do. For me, showing you care every day is better than going overboard one day a year. I don't need candy, stuffed animals, etc, to know a person cares. It must have been important to his ex, cos its real important for him. Anyway, I told him I couldn't. Too much work to do. He thinks since I go to a Jr. College that its easy stuff. WRONG. The main instructor I have is a demon when it comes to teaching us. Every semester he pushes me way over whatever I thought was possible. B'f is mad. He says "I will let you get to your homework then." I say thanks, and turn the messenger off. My son had a game Friday night, so we didn't get a chance to chat. I think he made sure the only time he messaged me was during the middle of game time. (they only play for an hour, he is usually one for at least 2 hours.) Anyway, Saturday I go through the normal routine, clean house, plan and make a dinner for him, thinking we could do Valentines on Saturday. He works every other Saturday, so he usually gets here around 5. About 4:30 he messaged me. He had went home after work. No big deal, if he would have mentioned it to me. He has been coming over here every Saturday except a handful for the past 3 years. He said he thought it would give me plenty of time to study so we could do valentines on Tuesday. He doesn't grasp my schedule at all, and I always get a new batch of homework every Tuesday thats due on Thursday, and I have another class on Wednesday so the turnaround time has to be quick. I was pissed. I told him that would have been great if he WOULD HAVE TOLD ME BEFORE I TOOK THE WHOLE MORNING CLEANING AND COOKING AND PLANNING A NICE EVENING FOR US. He said "sorry." I knew he was feeling pretty smug. That made me even more pissed. I told him I was off to study, since I had blown the morning away. I shut messenger off, and started on the homework.
He messaged me the next day, but I didn't respond till evening. He said he knew he had screwed up. I said "yep." He asked how homework was coming along, and I told him I had a test to study for. Bye. Last night he messaged me, and asked if today was out of the question, and I said "yep". He said "Bye." I think he meant it. No messages from him today. I imagine he thinks he is making me hurt. I am instead relieved.
After 3 years he still didn't trust me. I didn't love him like I should, but I was always faithful. I wouldn't have went out on him. That was the first thing he always thought of when I needed some time to myself. As soon as I told him I couldn't do valentines because of homework, he said, "o, you have a better offer." Cripes.

I hope the rest of his life goes well. He has a chance now to find the person that he really needs in it, cos it wasn't me.

God Bless, and Happy Valentines day.

Please don't read this post.

2006-02-08T09:31:00.000-06:00

My b'f is a dumbass. I knew it all along, but its so totally apparent. He has to go for a followup today on his eye surgery. He was complaining about how long the drive is. A month ago, it was a 6 hour drive there and back. Last night it turned into an 8 hour drive. I mentioned that he said before it was 6, and he just said "ok." Which means, "I am the one driving it, and I know how long it takes, but I am not going to argue with you." Now, he is south of me by over an hour. The big city he has to go to, is also south by about 3 hours from me. The math to me would say that it should be a 2 to 2 1/2 hour trip from his house one way, taking into consideration the amount he has to drive southwest. Dumbass was driving 45 minutes NORTHEAST, to get on the interstate to end up SOUTHWESTt. He went 10 minutes from the border of one state, to drive all the way through our state, to end up in another state. I am just frustrated. I thought he had the best route all planned out. I would have thought he would have looked at a freakin MAP. They have been around for years. I need and crave to talk to intelligent people. Everyone has bad habits, pitfalls, etc. God knows I have my share. I am so tired of him wanting me to take care of things for him. I try to get him motivated to take care of himself, but that doesn't work. I felt like I was nagging, so I quit. He hasn't got his paperwork done for the hospital bill yet, and instead of asking if he got it done, I mentioned since he was going to be there, maybe he could save on postage if he took it with him today. He said it was a great idea, but I doubt if he did it. Its only been 6 weeks since he got the paperwork. I guess I shouldn't rush him. (roll eyes) He gets a tax return, but he puts off filling it out till the last minute. He doesn't want to part with a dime to file it, so thats his perogative. I used to take us all out for dinner someplace nice when I got my money. Not any more. Valentines day is coming up. Usually he goes way overboard, but I have a feeling this year he won't. He won't have the money, and for that I am glad. I hate when he gives me stuff like that, when I don't love him like I feel I should. I need someone who makes me think, not someone to kiss my ass. We watched Sahara Saturday. I made the comment that I didn't think Penelope Cruze was very pretty, when some think she is hot. She has a hook nose, and the eyebrows need to be thinned out some. He told me I was much prettier than her, which is a bald faced lie. Thats not what I was looking for at all. I wanted him to clear up why people think she is so hot, cos I don't get it. It you go for the hooked nose, caterpillar eyebrows, and reed thin body, than I guess she would fit the bill.

Ok. I am done ranting. For now.

God bless, and pray for patience and a less critical mindset for me.

Dear Diary...

2006-02-06T17:17:00.000-06:00

Its been awhile. I keep on keepin on, but need someone to talk to who will just listen. I don't want someone to keep patting me on the back, and telling me everything will be alright. I need to learn to turn it over to God and let it go, but I have to have something to do, so I worry if I am making right decisions, and mourn people who haven't passed yet. Here is a chronological description of things that have upset my world. I am going to mention even the mundane, since that is partially what is leading up to my breaking point, which I hope I don't reach.

Hardly anyone ever calls me on the phone. I have an answering machine for when I am gone, and I have Callwave for my computer so I don't worry about missing a call. It doesn't surprise me to see a name on the caller ID but no message left on the answering machine. I called my home from my cell phone one day to leave me a memo, and I heard my voice cheerfully on the other end going on about how we weren't able to come to the phone, yada yada yada. When I got home, there was no message. I stood next to my answering machine, called it from the cell, and it answered, and hung up. I disconnected it since it sounded like it was recording a message, but wasn't.

Last week my dad had a test ran at the huge city hospital an hour or so away. They pretty much confirmed he has lung cancer. They wanted to do a biopsy, but after discussing it and finding out they could only prolong his life with treatment, and not control the pain, he decided not to do anything. I don't blame him. He has been through all of this with mom, and he is tired. I called my sister and told her, then my brother. My brother actually came to see him this weekend, so that was a great thing. I hope he can forgive dad for the injustices he thinks he got from him. Dad did the best he knew to do. I don't think a person can blame him for that. He didn't realize it was wrong until it was too late. Thats the way he was raised.

Friday, we went and picked up pizza in town. We got home, got the car in the garage, and went to lower the garage door. It stopped about 1/2 way down, but the motor kept running. I got it turned off, and lowered the door by hand. Geesh. I can raise and lower the door by hand for as long as I need to. No big deal. Just another inconvenience. (I am not usually so petty when I have to do some physical labor, I just don't like it when things don't work the way they are supposed to.)

Saturday, b'f and his son came over. We watched a movie, they played game cube, I fixed hotdogs since he said he could go get pizza, but ended up falling asleep on the couch, and I didn't feel like going to get it. No big deal. He sat on the couch and snored while I watched the boys play. I couldn't work on any homework while they were here. I would have kept getting interupted and considered anti-social. No majorly big deal. I had about 9 hours worth of psych homework to do that was due Sunday night at 11:59, but all day Sunday to work on it. It wouldn't be easy, but I would get it done. They left around 11:00 pm. The movie was good though.

Sunday morning, I arise at 5 am to work on my psych. I start reading. There are 40 pages packed with terms, conditions, etc to try to get my brain to absorb. Around noon I finally start on the first activity out of 3. What the ****??? I didn't understand it at all. I tried and tried sorting it out, and decided to go to activity 2. I had just got started, and it looked a lot easier. I had less than 12 hours left to get it done, and take the quiz. No worries. My son came in from the bathroom, and told me that I would want to see this. I went in.

The water in the toilet was red. Ok, not red, but real real pink. I looked at his butt, and couldn't see anything, so went and told my stepmother I was going to take him to the ER. We had to take showers and change clothes, so we left about 45 minutes later. She had called me and offered to take us for a ride in their new car, so that was a good thing. I was hoping it was just due to him being constipated so much from not eating stuff thats good for him. I was scared to death that it was something horribly seriously wrong. This is my baby. What would I do if anything happened to him? I have lost one child during birth, and my world was a mess for awhile. My mind was working overtime, but I think I did well on him not knowing how upset I was. My stepmother was talking most of the way, and then broke the news.

They are thinking of selling the house and moving to town. They are afraid when Dad gets bad that they will have trouble getting around. She said her shoulder has been hurting her and she wasn't planning on putting out a garden this year. Dad said they might as well move to town. I love having them next door. I can just walk over, see how they are doing. I can help him on the computer. I babysit the dog when they are gone or have company. The stupid little dog comes over and KNOCKS on the door when he wants to come in for a visit. They watch my kid for me when I am late getting home from school. They have watched him for me when I had night classes. I just like having the bond with them, and for my son to be able to go visit whenever he wants too. This was a shock to me. She said they are "thinking" about it, but then said they were going to start advertising. Sounds like a pretty done deal. Its a great place and they put a lot of work in it, so I don't think they will have a problem selling.

My son was ok. He doesn't eat enough vegetables, and has to take stool softeners every day now. I warned him the dr. would probably want to look at his butt, and he did. He handled it like a trooper. That took 3 hours out of the afternoon, but I am so glad thats all it was. I had to make an appointment today with his regular dr., so Friday at 8:45, we have to be there.

Today I had a math test. Very basic stuff, although they do things with math I didn't realize. Anyway, I was studying this morning, and instead of it becoming clearer and refreshing my brain, it was getting worse. I worked past time that I normally leave, so took some stuff out to the car, got it started and went to raise the garage door. The &$#)&9^*& door would only go 1/2 way up, and I was running late. I ran over to the parents house to see about driving the truck, then working on the door when I got back. Of course I had to get gas in it. They never drive it. Its a nice truck, but it sucks gas like there is no tomorrow.

The test went "ok" I left one question blank, and showed her what I had done so far on it. She said we could refresh on that Wednesday. She said the answers on the rest of that page looked pretty good though, so I was relieved. Its work 100 points total, and we had 4 pages.

I got home, parked the truck at my parents, and she came over to look at the door opener with me. They installed both of theirs, so it was helpful. It must be the motor because she said the chain was inside and seemed to be intact and on track. We got the door up all the way. Thank goodness. After I convinced her that I would take care of it, she went home. I have two sides to the garage, no opener for the other side, and it was full of crap. As soon as the kid got home from school, we went out and cleaned out the other half, moved it all over, and swept. The car is sitting nicely in the garage now. I don't know if they can fix the motor, or it will just need replaced. Yikes.

Also, Friday night I did my taxes. I really took a hit this year, with not having any earned income. That cut my refund compared to last year by about $2800 difference. Not just that, but other things as well. I owe on the state. I knew it wouldn't be as good as when I worked, but I didn't think it would be that different. Thats what always got me through before.

Ok, thats enough. I feel better just writing it and getting it out of my brain. It gets so clogged up sometimes with reality, there isn't any room for school stuff. Thats what I need to be working on right now.

God Bless, and please keep me in your prayers. I love my dad.

If a frog can do it, I can do it.

2006-01-27T09:26:00.000-06:00

I got this in my email today, and have read it before. Usually I just delete, but thought I would read it again. I think its really pretty profound.

Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a running competition.

The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants....

The race began....

Honestly:

No one in crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.

You heard statements such as:

"Oh, WAY too difficult!!"

"They will NEVER make it to the top."

or:

"Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"

The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....

Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher....

The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!"

More tiny frogs got tired and gave up....

But ONE continued higher and higher and higher....

This one wouldn't give up!

At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!

THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?

A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?

It turned out....

That the winner was DEAF!!!!

The wisdom of this story is:

Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or pessimistic.... because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you -- the ones you have in your heart!

Always think of the power words have.

Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!

Therefore:

ALWAYS be....

POSITIVE!

And above all:

Be DEAF when people tell YOU that you cannot fulfill your dreams!

Always think:

God and I can do this!

God Bless.

Why don't we pray?

2006-01-27T08:40:00.000-06:00

THEN WHY DON'T WE PRAY?

The highest privilege ever afforded to man is the power of prayer.
...then why don't we pray?

The right to talk to the highest potentate in all the universe...
...then why don't we pray?

The most powerful force accessible to man is the potential of prayer...
...then why don't we pray?

The greatest longing in the heart of God is to talk to His children...
...then why don't we pray?

Nothing is impossible to those who pray...
...then why don't we pray?

No man ever fainted or faltered who gave himself to prayer...
...then why don't we pray?

Every sin is forgiven, every stain is washed clean, all guilt
diminished to the man who prays...
...then why don't we pray?

Hell moves farther away, satan flees from the man who prays...
...then why don't we pray?

Anointing will come, mountains will be moved, valleys made smooth,
rivers made crossable, the inaccessible made accessible, the
impossible made possible, dreams come through to the man who prays...
...then why don't we pray?

Jesus said that men ought always to pray...
...then why don't we pray?

Paul encouraged prayer without ceasing...
...then why don't we pray?

The riches of heaven are open to those who pray in His name...
...then why don't we pray?

Everyone can pray, the young, the old, the rich, the poor, the
strong, the weak, the child, the aged, the sinner, the prisoner, in
any nation, in any language, all can pray...
...then why don't we pray?

-- Author Unknown

Something to ponder....

2006-01-21T01:52:00.000-06:00

They found a dead body in the small town close to where I live. The person had been dead for a very very long time, possibly over a year. The really sad thing is, no one missed them. I was told of a crazy woman who lived in the woods many years ago. A girl I met at school told me when she lived in the town that they would go for walks in the woods and this woman would come out running and screaming at them, and they would take off for the hills. I think the girl assumed, as I did, that she had moved on, since the "girl" was almost 30 now, and she had been in her prepubescent years when that happened. Apparently, the crazy woman had been living in a van in the woods, and that is where they found the body. I don't know who found her, or how. Probably hunters or 4 wheeler drivers, since they go all over the area.

It makes me sad to think that no one missed her. She probably needed medical treatment for her condition. I wonder what her story was. Did she have any family at all? They haven't released her name yet. I wonder if I knew any of her family. Probably not since I didn't grow up in the area, but you never know.

Its terribly sad. God bless, and pray that everyone has someone that will miss them when they are gone.

Going strong

2006-01-19T22:18:00.000-06:00

Well, I am coming to the end of the 2nd week of classes. I have one instructor for 3 classes, and they are all in a row. After the first class, he leaves the room, goes to his office, changes briefcases, comes back in the room, and we go on with the next class. That continues for the rest of the day. Its like he throws off the old, and on with the new. Heaven forbid he be in the middle of a lecture and someone asks him a question about one of the other classes. LOL. He is very funny, and very very smart. He expects a lot out of a person, but is the best instructor I have ever had I think. He piles on the homework and we have a quiz every day, give or take 3 or 4 days a semester. Everytime anyone complains about too much homework, his standard answer is always "what do you mean? This is the only class that matters." I heard that today in all 3 of his classes. (I wasn't the one complaining. I learned a long time ago that DOESN'T work. I have one class tomorrow, and then the one online I still have to turn in before Sunday, then I can start on Monday's work. Yikes.

My son is in trouble at school again. I had a talk with him. He has been lying about homework. He said that he decided to quit lying, cos it just gets him in trouble. Yeah right. He is going to have to prove it to me. I know the teachers think I am a bad parent, but I don't know what else to do. He is on medication. I won't beat him, although sometimes I am tempted. I asked him tonight if there is anything more he thinks I could do to help motivate him about getting his homework done, or help him in any way. He started to say something, but I then mentioned WITHOUT doing it for him. He said yes. Let him make a robot to do it for him. (huge eyeroll here) I have 2 tv tables set up at my computer desk. One is for him to do his homework on, and one is for my homework. We work together when he brings it home, but some nights he says "I forgot" or " I got it done in study hall." Turns out I can't believe that, and by the time he gets off the bus we can't go to school and get it, because its too late.

He gets real upset if I don't believe him. I know he tells the truth on some things, but it sure is hard to tell what. I told him he has to prove himself to me first, and so far thats not happening. I thought it would help too with us doing our homework together. Some days I just want to SCREAM!

Well, time to go to bed. God bless, and pray for my son, me, and homework evaders everywhere.

Getting caught up and tying up some loose ends....

2006-01-09T00:12:00.000-06:00

I haven't been around much. This used to be so cathartic for me, but now I just try not to think about anything. I signed up at Pogo and play for hours and hours. That is going to come to a screeching halt as new classes start Tuesday. I am trying to have a positive outlook about the whole thing. I'm real gunshy at this point. I was so exhausted emotionally and mentally after finals, I wanted to stay in a haze. I never thought it would affect me that way, but I was actually having nightmares about them after they were OVER! I remember in the nightmare I was sitting in class and the instructor hands us back our scantrons and mine was filled with little pink marks all down the side. I missed 99 out of 100 questions. Actually, I got 2 right, but the machine counted one wrong TWICE because of an erasure mark, and then I also marked the wrong answer on the same line. I was really upset when I woke up, even though it didn't happen, it sure felt like it and I was zombied out for a while over that. Sometimes I wish I still smoke, drink, do illegal substances to escape. Not a good thing for a single mom though. Since I am the only parent, it wouldn't be good to be absentee at that too. My son has to have someone he can depend on.

We had a good Christmas. B'fs son even complimented me on dinner. I was shocked and grateful. I thanked him graciously for the compliment. I made a turkey with all the extras. It turned out well. My son loved his presents, and I loved mine. All went great.

I got my son Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Johnny Depp for Christmas. I was gazelling the other day and found out that the extra cd with the songs from the movie last exactly 10 minutes and 2 seconds. Its real bouncy and great for gazelling. I backslid on it for awhile, but have been getting back at it. I am feeling crappier than crap and know I have put on a lot of chunk. I have been cooking, and thats a good thing in some respects, but not for this body of mine. I have noticed certain foods I eat make me feel worse, all bloaty and stuff. I have noticed that happens when I eat saltines. I am not sure if its them or the tomato soup. I LOVE Campbell's tomato soup, with milk and saltines. I think I am going to have to delete it from my diet. :(

B'f got some bad news the other day. He didn't tell me, but he has been having trouble with his eye since around Christmas. Its his bad eye, but he said it got really bad. He finally went to the dr. Friday. He has a detached retina, and is going on a 3 hour trip tomorrow to a dr. who is going to do surgery on his eye Tuesday. I can't go. Nor, do I want to. (I am such a bitch) I assumed he would spend the night since its such a journey, but he is planning on traveling 6 hours tomorrow and 6 hours again on Tuesday. I told him I can't get any money to him tonight, but if they decide to get a motel room, I will pay for it. His nephew is driving him, and his sister might go too, I don't know. I wish I could be there, but not with classes on Tuesday. I have class from 9 am till 2:40 pm, and I sure don't want to miss the first day. I hope and pray everything will be ok. It could be great when its done, or useless. I know having no insurance is a big problem for him too. I hope he can apply for aid this time. He lost all his overtime at work, the hospital is garnishing his wages from before, and his job may be in jeopardy. Another company was looking at it a few weeks ago, and if they buy they plan on having it done by February last he heard. They have their own bookeeping personnel, and said they will be keeping 90% of the current employees, so he may be out the door. Its a shame, for many reasons, but this new company does have insurance, 401K plans, etc. I hope it all works out for the best.

Time for bed. Actually, it was time for bed hours ago. Maybe now I can sleep.

God bless.

Survived

2006-01-02T02:14:00.000-06:00

Ok. I made it through the holidays. I still can't sleep, but am surviving. Christmas went well. My son seemed to like everything, b'f likes his gifts, and his son seemed pleased with what he got.

New Years Eve, b'f came over. We were invited to a few parties, but he didn't want to go. The one I told him about were with the Mormons, and I think he was afraid they are trying to convert me. Or him. LOL He told me before if they try to get me to go to church with them, to JUST SAY NO. I told him I was an adult and I could make that decision. He hasn't mentioned it since then. Anyway, it was just the 3 of us. My son was so disappointed that his son couldn't come, that he turned into our social director. We didn't get any party hats this year, so he made some for us out of white paper and tape. He got out one of his kids magazines that had party stuff in it, and went to town. He said he was going to surprise us, so we couldn't see what he was doing. Then he doused us with homemade confetti. I found out he had cut up most of my postit notes to make them, but he got such pleasure out of it, I didn't say too much. I just suggested all the FREE paper we had would have made great confetti. At 12 on the east coast, we banged on pots and pans wearing our white cone hats with shoelace straps, shooting whooooooowhoooooooooooooooo. We brought in the New Year 12 central time too. I was hoping son would be satisfied with the first celebration, but I was wrong. I'm really glad he knows how to tell time, really I am. Most of the time. Anyway, we got to do it twice.

I'm going to try to get back to sleep. I have been in a stupor these past few weeks. I only have one week left till the insanity that IS school starts again.

God bless, and may the new year bring very good surprises your way.

I'm afraid

2005-12-24T01:02:00.000-06:00

I am afraid I am going to die. I was trying to go to sleep, and I got this strange feeling that I was going to have a heart attack. I have put on a lot of weight since I got laid off. No matter how hard I try, I get bigger and bigger. Its out of control. I am out of control. I know if I die, I will look down at my son and beg forgiveness for not being there for him. Will he be the one to find me dead? Will he remember what he is to do? I told him a long time ago, if there ever was a time he couldn't wake me, to go to the neighbors and tell them. I am not afraid to die, per say. I am afraid of leaving him without me in this world. I lost my mom when I was 10, and so many times I needed her. Love with my father always seemed conditional, until he got really ill. I know he loves me, but for the longest time there always seemed to be limits. I know my mom loved me, no matter what. How will he cope when he gets picked on at school? Will he be able to talk to the people that I have appointed his legal guardians? They haven't shown much interest in him to date. It just makes me really sad.

What is it going to take to get this under control? Am I going to have a heart attack and be put in the hospital first, if I even make it alive to the hospital? I am tired, but afraid to sleep. Thats not good for my health either. I am stressed to the max. I need to dump b'f, get that stress over. Now he finds out he may lose his job. It just drains me to even chat on messenger with him. I get so pissed at him so easy. It seems like he rarely ever says the right thing, at least what I think he should say. He says he's compassionate, but I don't see that at all. He whines and moans about people all the time. I am sick of it. He acts like he is the most righteous Christian, but I don't see it.

I know he doesn't want me to lose weight. He finds it threatening. He should. Celibacy is threatening to him to, and that has been in place for a very very long time. Even thinking about sex with him makes me sick to my stomach.

I am going to try to go back to bed. I am just rambling. I just don't want to die tonight.

God Bless, and Merry Christmas.

It's over

2005-12-17T18:27:00.000-06:00

Another semester at an end. My final final was yesterday, and it was bad. I was shocked when I walked into class and found out I was getting a B, but after the final we waited for grades and I was knocked down to a C. It amazes me the people that I think are so smart and really have a handle on some of it got worse grades than me, and I KNOW I didn't have a clue.

I ended up with:

Access.............A
Visual Basic....A
Client...............B
TCP/IP...........C

I am so relieved its over. I have 5 classes next semester. One online again, and the rest on campus. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have the same instructor for 3 classes in a row. There is at least one guy in my class that has the same thing. I imagine we will be sick of each other. I will be in class from 9 am till 2:40 pm with 2-20 minute breaks. The instructor said one class may leave early and on other days the other class may start a little late so he can get lunch in. He wasn't going to schedule the one odd class in the middle, but so many of us needed it for our degree. It was the only open spot to stick it, so there it is. The other three days a week I have to make the drive for 1 hour long class. :( Its computer math, and only offered on campus. Only on M,W,F. It sucks, but I will have to deal with it. At least the mileage check will be great. I just get so sick of the drive. I will be on the road longer than I will be in class.

My son had Saturday school again. It doesn't feel like Saturday when that happens. B'fs Christmas program is tonight, but we can't go. There are specials on tv that I want to see, but not when the kid is grounded. I really don't watch much tv at all, and he watches too much, so really its a good thing. We are supposed to get snow tomorrow so we may not be able to go to b'fs play tomorrow either. I don't know if we will make it to church tomorrow or not. I have just been wiped out. I slept almost all day Thursday, when I should have been studying. Even if that would have happened, the things I would have been working on weren't on the test. I had been going over subnetting in my head over and over again, but there wasn't any questions on the test about it. He changed the whole test from what he told us to study the other day. One of the brainiacs that always go top notch got an 81, so I don't feel so awfully bad. I am sure he still got an A.

I have 3 weeks or rest before I require my brain to work again. Wireless, security, Psych, Math, and Server. Yeehaw. I can't wait. <---------sarcasm.

Yall have a good night, and God Bless.

No title

2005-12-12T22:14:00.000-06:00

Here's the thing, my neice had her baby yesterday, and mom and baby girl are doing great. I am so happy for her and her husband. Of course, my brother was so out of it he called me twice to tell me. LOL

Now, the other news. My dad seems to be straightened out (finally) with the pacemaker. He was miserable when he got home, and ended up going back in the hospital for a 4 day stay to get his meds straightened out. They never changed anything, so when he came home my stepmother (who used to be a nurse) cut some of his meds in half. Dad started feeling a lot better. When they finally got in to see the dr, he told her she did the right thing. He seemed to think the hospital messed up, but I don't think he cares. My dad had a lung scan, and they are concerned about a mass he has. They told him he needed a blood test to determine if it was a fungus, or cancer. They told him a fungus could break itself up, and all would be golden. If it wasn't that, then it would be cancer, and nothing they could do. He has pulminary fibrosis, so surgery isn't an option. I was over visiting a bit ago, and they got the blood test results back. Its not fungus. :( My stepmother said they wouldn't say what it was, just what it wasn't. From what she had said before, if it wasn't one, it would be the other. I don't know if she just doesn't want to say it, or what. Thats where it stands. Dad said even if they could do something if it was cancer, after going through it with my mom, he would rather die and get it over with.

I am happy, then sad, then happy, then sad. I feel guilty for being happy, then I don't want to feel down either. Please say a prayer for my dad.

God bless.

Pretty accurate I think

2005-12-09T15:03:00.000-06:00

Your Birthdate: July 16

You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head.
You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking.
People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right.
You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself.

Your strength: Your original approach to thinking

Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others

Your power color: Pale blue

Your power symbol: Wavy line

Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

The brain is a complex thing...

2005-12-06T07:43:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I can't be selective on what I can remember. It seems I can only remember the unimportant stuff, and not things that really matter. I am sure there is some deep psychological reasoning about fear of failure or something. In my main PITA class at school I listen, I take notes, I record the class, but as soon as he quits talking, my mind goes blank. I am afraid I have convinced myself I can't learn it, so therefore, its not going in. Thats not a good thing. So far in the tutoring sessions I have had, it's been refreshing the tutors brain on this stuff, so it hasn't been real helpful. He just nods and tries to figure it out too, and maybe thats what I need. Its good to know that he is a graduate and it isn't something I am just not getting. He has a hard time with it too. Thank God we both didn't decide to go into the medical profession. At least this isn't life and death.

I lost b'fs mailing address when my other computer crashed. I thought I remembered it, but thought I had better ask. I guessed 704, but it was 708. The next thing that came out of my mouth shocked me as much as it did him. I said "oh yeah, 704 Houser is Archie Bunker's address." Where the hell that was stored in my brain I have no idea. I think I need a total brain dump, but there is some good stuff in there I don't want to get out. For instance, the first glimpse I got of my son, remember getting letters from my mom when she was having treatment in St. Louis for the cancer that took her life, my dad crying when she died, and crying when I lost my daughter, my dad telling me how I was strong and so much like my mother, (a better compliment could never be paid).

I guess I just have to take the good with the bad, as usual. I just wish I could pick what to remember and what not. I don't think Archie Bunker's address will help me out in life. I don't want to remember the feeling of finding one of my "friends" giving my live-in b'f oral sex. I try not to remember the last day that I got to see his kids and had to say goodbye. It hurts too much. I want to remember the important things that have escaped me, like the sound of my moms voice. I can't get that back. :(

God Bless.

It's almost over

2005-12-04T11:06:00.000-06:00

Two weeks and this semester will be a bad dream. I got a tutor last week to help me figure out subnetting and supersubnetting enough to get me through the class. I am so tired of this one guy in the class. He never does his own homework, he said he hasn't read a page in the book. He has a relative that was in the class before who gets a kick out of doing his homework for him. He knows what's on the tests and stuff, so the guy always has a heads up. It REALLY PISSES ME OFF! I guess I care too much, because I want to know how to do it. I don't want to depend on others all the time. The few times this guy doesn't have his homework done, he comes extra early and casually asks what everyone got for #8, and then #4, etc, till he has it all filled in. Some of us get together and compare, but I don't think most know what a jerk this guy is. His grade is higher than mine, and I have been working my butt off. He schmooozzes his way through life, and I hate to be mean, but I hope it bites him in the ass.

My dad has good days and bad days. He has lost about 30 lbs since he got home from the hospital. Most of it was fluid, so he is feeling better in that respect. He still has a lot of pain with his lungs. They put him on a pain patch and Tylenol 3, but that quit working. He is taking Vicodin now. Last I heard it was helping. The lung specialist told him its either fungus in his lungs, which can break itself up eventually, or its cancer, which there is nothing they can do. He has to have a blood test to find out.

My niece hasn't had the baby yet. We are still waiting. My brother called last night while I was online, and the message didn't come through. I got offline and called him right back, since he never calls unless its unavoidable. He says he was just wanting to find out about Dad. They had called him earlier in the day but he couldn't understand the message, and they were in bed by the time he got around to calling them back. He said he will call as soon as the baby is here. (of course, the aunts and uncles on the other side of the family are notified as soon as labor is started, then they all camp out at the hospital. Maybe I am picky, but I feel unwanted.)

I better get moving. God Bless.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T18:52:00.000-06:00

I think its good to remember to be thankful sometimes. I try to be thankful all the time, but a reminder doesn't hurt.

I am thankful my dad is still here, but he is hurting. I don't expect him to be here next year, and I will miss him, but he won't hurt anymore.

I am thankful my neice was able to come to dinner today. She is due any time, but she felt pretty good so she came, and I am glad. She looks great. My sister gave her my mothers wedding ring today. They both cried. I kind of resent it, since I never got it. My brother gave it to my sister, bypassing me, because he said she didn't have anything of moms. I never got anything either. When my aunt passed, I got my moms bible, which I was going to give to my niece. Now, since I know I will never get the ring, I will probably keep it. Its been a sore subject with me, but I have to just let it go. My mom passed when I was 10. I can't remember her voice anymore, but I remember the love she had for us kids.

I am thankful for my son. He can be a pain in the butt, but he is the reason I get out of bed every day.

I am thankful for my home. It needs work, like me, but it keeps us warm and dry. After not having a home for quite awhile, I really appreciate it, and the fact that I have a place to lay my head every night.

I am thankful for friends. They keep me grounded, and value my opinion (at times. LOL)

God Bless, and don't forget to be thankful. It sure helps when you count your blessings.

The Cyborg Name Generator, and Sexy Name Generator

2005-11-18T21:53:00.000-06:00

Totally Awesome!

2005-11-18T17:22:00.000-06:00

I saw this today posted on a message board, and I LOVE it. I thought I would share. Click here
Its got music from the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and I thought it was truly amazing. I have watched it about 10 times today. I love technology. I just ordered me (another) Christmas present. I am getting the box set of the TSO Christmas Trilogy with the DVD. :) Its going to sound great with the surround sound. I took the slow boat option, so it will take a little longer to get here, but it helps me to feel less guilty. ;)

I am making some Cincinnati style chili. I haven't had any since I lived there, and I just loved it. I found a few different recipes, but so far this one smells like the "ONE". Its simmering away on the stove right now. I am going to make coneys since I am not a spaghetti fan. Here is the recipe:

1 large onion chopped
1 pound extra-lean ground beef
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tablespoon chili powder
1 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon red (cayenne) pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 tbsp unsweetened cocoa or 1/2 ounce grated unsweetened chocolate
1 (15-ounce) can tomato sauce
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon cider vinegar
1/2 cup water
1 (16-ounce) package uncooked dried spaghetti pasta
Toppings (see below)

In a large frying pan over medium-high heat, saute onion, ground beef, garlic, and chili powder until ground beef is slightly cooked. Add allspice, cinnamon, cumin, cayene pepper, salt, unsweetened cocoa or chocolate, tomato sauce, Worcestershire sauce, cider vinegar, and water. Reduce heat to low and simmer, uncovered, 1 1/2 hours. Remove from heat.

Cook spaghetti according to package directions and transfer onto individual serving plates (small oval plates are traditional).

Ladle chili over spaghetti and serve with toppings of your choice. Oyster crackers are served in a separate container on the side.

Cincinnati chili lovers order their chili by number. Two, Three, Four, or Five Way. Let your guest create their own final product.

Two-Way Chili: Chili served on spaghetti

Three-Way Chili: Additionally topped with shredded Cheddar cheese

Four-Way Chili: Additionally topped with chopped onions

Five-Way Chili: Additionally topped with kidney beans

Makes 6 to 8 servings.

I had to stock up on spices today when I went shopping. Its nice to get fresher ones from time to time. It has to cook for another hour and 14 minutes, IF I wait that long.

God bless, and I hope you have some awesome things happen to you today.

I got called to the principals office

2005-11-15T18:53:00.000-06:00

The last time I had to go to the office, I was 9 years old, and they wanted to know why my brother skipped school. (again) I am 46 years old, and after the phone call from the principal when I got home from class, I felt the same dread and butterflies that I felt so many years ago.

My sons teacher wants him labeled BD as a behavior problem. I am not sure what plan of action they take with that, but the principal said he doesn't want to label him. He wants to try a few things first. He said him and Gabriel have an awfully lot in common, and it seems that he had turned out to be a model citizen without taking a gun to school and offing his classmates. I am at my wits end.

God bless, and pray for my kid and me too. He needs to care, and I need to know how to deal with it.

A quiz

2005-11-13T22:29:00.000-06:00

97% scored higher (more stupid),
1% scored the same, and
2% scored lower (less stupid).

What does this mean? You are 2% stupid. This means...

You are our next Einstein. Wow! Keep up the great thinking.

Hahahaha. It was fun, anyway. Accurate? I will let you be the judge. :)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2005-11-11T22:29:00.000-06:00

Dad's back in the hospital as of this morning. He has been having some pain, so the dr. sent him to the ER. They are going to keep him and adjust his meds and keep an eye on him. First they thought he may have had a small heart attack, but I am not sure if thats the diagnosis now or not. He may be in for up to 4 days. I guess I will find out more later.

Tomorrow is kidlets 6 hours detention. I got a note back from the teacher, and she said in a months time, if they earn 5 tickets, its worth 2 hours. Every ticket after that is worth an extra 2 hours, and he recieved 10 tickets in October, so he should have to do 10 hours, but they are only going to enforce 6. I don't know what to do with him. He takes no responsibility for anything, and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. He is concerned over how the no tv/computer/company thing is going to go tomorrow. My b/f said I should get a lot of studying done, but I know I will have to put up with a whiny moany, pouty kid. Sometimes running away sounds like a plan. :(

I am going to bed. I sure hope the critter in the ceiling doesn't decide to keep me up again. I had a dream about it last night. Not a good thing.

God Bless, and pray for some strength for me, and my dad. Thanks.

My dad (2)....

2005-11-08T18:18:00.000-06:00

came through great. He may be home this evening. I went to see him today after my big test. He said they had him out walking earlier. He has a slight infection, so they had him wired for antibiotics. He got done with those while I was there. I am glad. He is feeling better already, but still feels "drugged" which is understandable.

I got a note today that my son has Saturday school again this weekend. He was just there 2 weeks ago, and spent 2 hours. Somehow, in the span of 2 weeks has earned 6 HOURS detention. They said it was for behavior and no homework. He keeps saying its not his fault. He forgets, or it fell out of his folder, etc. I don't know what to believe. I plan on calling the school tomorrow and finding out how he earned 6 hours already. This really sucks.

God bless, and pray for quidance for me to be a good parent. I hate days like this. :(

My Dad

2005-11-07T14:09:00.000-06:00

My dad is going under the knife in one hour and 15 minutes. He is getting a pacemaker put in. I am always leery about surgery, more so than other people I think. Everyone says its just routine now, and he only has to stay 24 hours. The only reason he has to stay that long is because he is on blood thinners and they are concerned about him bleeding. I hope he makes it through, and I hope it helps a lot with all of his health problems. He is tired of the fight, and he has fought. I have torn feelings. I hope and pray he makes it ok, but if he does, he is still going to have a fight on his hands. They found a bunch of nodes in his lungs, and they aren’t going to deal with that till this is “fixed.” I don’t want him to die, but I understand if he does. I’m glad we got things straightened out between us. My dad is still hard headed and stubborn, but we got past our problems with each other. It took an apology from him to clinch it for me. He was raised by an older father who didn’t know how to be a dad. He didn’t have a role model in that respect, so he did the best he could.

I called my brother yesterday to let him know about the surgery, and he is very bitter still. He feels like he and his family are picked on all the time. They aren’t picked on because they are never around. He blames dad, and dad blames them. My brother keeps talking about my niece’s heart is broke because they don’t love her. They love her a bunch, but when she is around she doesn’t talk, even when they try to engage her. She isn’t stuck up, she is basically quiet, and they don’t know how to relate to her. I, of course, blame my sister-in-law, as she started separating from the family as soon as they were married. “They” had their own family, things had changed, and they didn’t have time for us. That’s what she told me about a month after the wedding. Of course, her side of the family is so different and precious. My brother said he hated to lose me and my sister, but he had to get away from dad. Dad isn’t a bad person, he was just uneducated on the art of being a parent. He let my stepmother make too many of the decisions after my mom died, and that didn’t help any. He was in way over his head.

We have all went through our phase with dad, and not wanting to have anything to do with him. I think the only difference is, I wrote him a letter and let him know exactly how I felt. He thought I couldn’t raise a child on my own. I have since bought a house, work my ass off, and my son is now 9. I think I have done ok. My stepsister told me that he brags on me, and coming from him, that makes me feel great. He was my biggest doubter. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I would have given my son away, which is what he suggested. I had told him in the letter that I had mom long enough to know what a loving family was, and me and my son were going to be fine. I brought up a lot of issues, and how I thought he had handled them wrong. I actually got a handwritten letter from him apologizing for everything and how he didn’t know what to do. He told me how I was so strong and so much like my mother, and how much he loved her and missed her still. (that was 26 years after she had passed away.)

I am glad I did that. It got things put behind us, so we could move forward. When the property behind me went up for auction, I told them, and they now live next door. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even though their dog is spoiled more than we ever were, its nice to be able to walk over and see how they are doing. Please say a prayer, for God’s will to be done, and peace for my brother, his family, and my sister, no matter what happens.

God Bless.

I'm taking the plunge....

2005-11-02T09:06:00.000-06:00

I went to Vitamin World last night. I think I could just about live on pills. I am weaning myself off of my hormone pills. I don't like taking them, even though I have never felt side effects. I am concerned about damage to my heart with all the trouble my dad has had, and my weight. I am taking something similar to ginkgo biloba now, called Neuro-PS. I am taking fish oil, and some joint stuff. (It was free with $30 worth of stuff) I am taking Black Cohosh and see if it helps with the menopause transition. I have heard good things about it, so I am hoping that is the route to go. Not having insurance for me really bites. I am still taking B-12, a mulitivitamin, lasix, and an aspirin (every other day on that) I think thats it. I think thats enough. Oh, I have some Billy Blanks exercise energy pills I got when I bought the DVD set off of a friend, so I took one of those this morning too. It must be working

So far, I have done a load of laundry, got dishes done, danced, Gazelled, had breakfast, and am getting ready to color my hair. I can do homework while I am waiting for it to take. I didn't have to go to class this morning, and almost have my homework done for tomorrow. We have a big test in my tough class Tuesday, so I know what I need to work on over the weekend. I also have to go through the schedule and see what I can dig up for next semester. It doesn't look very promising. I think I am going to have to go to campus all 5 days. :( I hate driving all that, and I am sure my car hates it too. The gas money will be good though. It sure won't buy me a better car, I don't think. ;)

Time to go.
God Bless. I need to go dance!

He done me proud

2005-11-01T04:57:00.000-06:00

My boy got first prize for his age group at the Halloween costume judging. He won $5. He was so proud. He really looked great. When I went to the school for the parade there I got a lot of compliments on his costume from other moms. Being an Elvis fan, I had wanted him to be that since he was born. I could never figure the hair thing out without gluing things to his head, but this year since I found the hair, it was great. He got into character too, and had a great time. He done his mama proud. Of course, I took the batteries out of the guitar before he went to school. LOL. He probably would have got expelled.

God Bless.

Ooops

2005-10-29T21:09:00.000-05:00

We went to a baby shower for my niece today. She looks great. She still has a little over a month to go, but she is happy and smiling. I have never seen her so happy. She has "the glow" We rode over with my stepmother, and it was enjoyable. My sister was going to be there, so my son wanted to go so he could see her.

I have never seen so many gifts. It took 2 solid hours of opening to get them all unwrapped. She got doubles of a lot of things, but luckily, I must have chose wisely, as nothing there resembled mine. Registries online are wonderful things.

My son has been watching the Blues Brothers a lot. I love the movie, and he does too. There are a few places I would rather him not notice, but he does. He knows when they say a bad word, he points it out to me. Within the first 5 minutes, they mention condoms. Sealed, and soiled. We got home, and were getting out of my stepmothers car, when he said he had a question. He said, "what does soiled mean?" I knew what he was getting at, so tried to fend him off, but he kept going. "On the Blue's brothers they talk about soiled........" I blurted out "NOT CLEAN" and my stepmother agreed. I was so afraid he would say the condom word. I don't want to have to explain sex to him yet,and therefore he would have a lot more questions about condoms. He doesn't even like girls yet.

I don't know when I need to talk to him about this. I don't think he is ready yet. He knows it takes 2 people to make a baby, but thats as far as he knows. I don't know if I am too protective, or just a lousy mom. :( Any suggestions?

God bless.

Well...

2005-10-26T14:58:00.001-05:00

It's a good thing they took my dad to a heart center. They ran tests and found out its not his heart. Dad thought before it was his reflux or something causing him so much pain, and he might have been right all this time. They are going to run some other tests in the morning, and maybe send him home. I hope they figure out whats going on and how to make him comfortable soon.

Thanks for praying.

God Bless.

Prayer request

2005-10-25T10:53:00.000-05:00

My dad went into the hospital Sunday night, and I didn't find out till Monday evening. They live about 100 foot from my back door. The reason they called was because they wanted me to go let the dog out. :(

He is in very poor health. He has heart problems, which is the main thing going on right now. He is diabetic. He has pulminary fibrosis, which is getting worse. He has had angioplasties, a quintuple bypass, and numerous other things done. He is tired. Somedays he wants to give up. I understand. He is ready to go. Or so I thought. He is having a pace maker put in tomorrow. I know he is doing it because my stepmother wants him to.

He had another episode about 1 am. Please pray that God's will be done. I don't want him to die, but I understand. It's so hard to see him in pain and deteriorating. He can be cantakerous, argumentitive, and downright hard to get along with. He is also the funniest man I know. We have had lots of ups and downs, to put it mildly. They had talked it over when they found out I was pregnant with G and decided that I should give him up for adoption. That really about did in our relationship for good. We made it through it, even though it was a long hard road.

I love my dad. Please pray that God's will be done.

God Bless.

A day full of surprises

2005-10-23T18:11:00.000-05:00

My son got an aquarium for his birthday. He got it Wednesday. My parents got it for him during the day, and as soon as I got home I had to go to their house, lug it home, and get it all set up since they had ALREADY BOUGHT FISH!!!!!! They got him a couple of goldfish, which kind of spoiled it, since now we are stuck with goldfish. I knew they were getting him an aquarium, but I thought they would at least let us go fish shopping after getting it set up properly. No luck this time. They spent about $10 getting the basics, and the next night I spent $60 getting the filter, hood, etc. Now on to the next part.

He got $20 for his birthday. I let him spend it yesterday as he saw fit. He spent it all on the aquarium. He now has a skeleton in the water with his head bobbing up and down with air bubbles. It was something he really wanted, so now its his. There are other things he is wanting for it, so I told him he is going to have to earn it. He has a responsibility chart now that we just got about a week ago but never put up. He put it up yesterday and have been marking it up ever since. Today, besides going to church and his school sing program, he:

took out trash
replaced trash bag
brushed teeth
said please and thank you for meals
actually ate his meals
DID DISHES!!!!
cleaned up his room
made his bed
sorted through some of his tapes and sold his excess to the neighbor for her grandkids. :)

Thats about all I can think of, but thats a ton. He gets points for going to bed on time, so we will see how that goes. I told him for every 20 points he gets $1. He is on his way. He made $5 on tapes. He was going to charge $1 each, but I told him .10 would be enough. We compromised on .25, and she bought the whole lot for $5, so he is rolling in it now. Next he said he is going to go through toys and books. Since we haven't gotten rid of much since he was born, I am looking at all the extra floor space we are going to have.

We just lost one of the fish. :( We lost the only "gold" goldfish. (he has a white one, and two black and gold). We gave it a burial at sea, and he was sniffling. He has been overfeeding, so I think they are pooping too much. I told him not to be surprised if we lose others, and to slow down on the feeding. I know they always look hungry, but they will be ok.

God Bless, and thank God for responsibility charts. :)

Well rounded, or just weird?

2005-10-23T07:02:00.000-05:00

I have always felt like I didn't belong. I don't think I am like the "normal" people that live in my area. It's just the little things, but I think that helps define the person.

I have always like classical music. Beethoven, Mozart, Wagner, Vivaldi, the classics. When we were in the 6th grade we had a reading assignment to read as many quality books as we could. I got into biographies, and one of the first was of Beethoven. I read various ones, and that was the beginning of my love of the music. I didn't realize that I could come off as odd with this enjoyment, and when it dawned on me that others didn't feel this way, I became a secret listener.

I started experimentation with plants as a young adult. Oh sure, I started slow. First was peppermint, then spearmint, lemon balm, orange mint, and a few others. Thus started my herbal tea garden. My dad came over one day after I had moved out on my own. I was listening to my Beethoven albums, and offered him a cup of herbal tea. He just shook his head, and asked me whose child I was. He said I didn't learn any of that living in his house. I took it as a compliment. I didn't learn much in his house, except how to fight with siblings and survive among step siblings. I learned how fine upstanding Christians can be so hypocritical behind the churches back, and learned what incest was all about. I was glad I was capable of gleaning other things out of life than what I was surrounded with.

My music collection is a bit outdated now. I don't care for most of the music of today. I am stuck back in my happy times. I have a good sized collection of classical, contemporary gospel (as contemporary as 9 years ago) oldies, sprinkled with all of Unkle Kracker, Kenny G, Cheap Trick, Journey, etc. (I guess those would fall under oldies to some. LOL)

I am afraid I am corrupting my son. B'f was over last night and we watched Sleepless in Seattle. He had never seen it, and I love it and was wanting to watch it again. G didn't want to watch it, and didn't keep it a secret. He was in a mood last night and talked all evening long. ALL EVENING LONG. He finally settled in to the movie. I don't know if anyone remembers the soundtrack, but its pretty enjoyable for me. Of course, I am a 46 year old woman. I noticed my son started singing. He knew the words to most of the songs. I don't know how a lot of that happened. Granted, one of the songs he learned from the Blues Brothers. He loves them as much as I do. He was even telling someone the other day that he really likes the Blues now that he knows what it is. :)

With his knowledge, and not knowing that people around here don't usually talk of such things, is he going to be considered weird like I felt all my life? Or just well rounded? I will never stop teaching him the things that will help his mind to grow. I don't want him to hide his knowledge like I did. He is truly an amazing individual. He still loves him mom, and doesn't seem embarrassed by me, yet. I imagine the day will come. But I will come home, pop in The Blues Brothers movie, and remember happier times.

God Bless.

Another sleepless night....

2005-10-21T20:13:00.000-05:00

There are more sounds in the attic. I have no idea what it could be. It doesn't sound big enough to be a raccoon, I don't think. The contractor came over today to give me the estimate finally on the window trimming and the back porch roof. I had him take a look around the outside and he couldn't figure out where anything could get in. I called the pest control guy and he said maybe to throw some moth balls in the attic and it might deter whatever it is. Here I went and got a new roof, new front porch, mainly because I can't stand the thought of critters running in the ceiling over my head at night, and here they are again. :( No one really seems to know what to do, and I don't know myself. I did everything I know how to do. If b'f comes over tomorrow, I will have him throw the mothballs in the attic for me. I'm not going to open it up.

I should just go to bed now, but I doubt if I will sleep. I haven't been feeling well, and now my face feels hot. I haven't hardly eaten anything, and I haven't had hardly any caffiene, and my head is pounding. I took some more meds, and drank some caffiene, so I will see if that helps.

One of the girls I used to work with called me the other day and invited me to church. Its close to home, and G goes to school with some of the kids that go there. I have thought about going before, but the thought of not getting dressed till noon and sleeping in as long as possible have been too tempting. I told her I was going to call her and ask if I could go with her sometime, so it was an answer to a prayer. (probably my parents or my b'f's. LOL) I didn't even mention it to b'f. I know he will be thrilled so I should, but I am being a bitch about it I think. He will gloat, and offer to come here and go with me so he can check it out and make sure it is a good church and not some satan worshipping thing.

G had a great real birthday. I took him to class with me and he got to play on www.cartoonnetwork.com for the duration. I was glad I got to spend some time with him. He didn't use his dvd player he took with him, so we still had battery power left for the drive home. He had taken a cd to listen to as well, so we got to jam to some Big Band Swing for the 45 minute drive. A good time was had. I just can't believe he has been in my life for 9 years. In my dreams I never saw him this old, and was afraid I would lose him before now. I still think that sometimes when he gets on the bus, wondering if I will ever see him again. I think it will always be this way, till one day he won't come home.

God Bless, and hug your family and friends tight.

We love bowling!

2005-10-17T05:21:00.000-05:00

That seemed to be the theme for the day Saturday. I took G and a couple of his buddies bowling for his birthday. He will be the big 9 this Wednesday. They had a great time. We had the bumpers set up, which turned out to be necessary. They all have their own "form" but it leaves a lot to be desired. One of the boys got the ball stuck between the bumper and the gutter. LOL. We had to have the guy come and get it out. B'f and his son were there too. It was only $30 for 2 games each. I didn't think that was too bad for 5 bowlers for an afternoon.

We came back to the house for ice cream cake from DQ. A good time was had by all. I took them home around 5, which made G mad. He wanted them to all stay the night. We had been invited to a neighbors cookout and Halloween party down the road, so I wanted to drop in there later. I have lived in this town for 9 years and don't know many. Being an extremely small town, I should know everyone by now. I am too much of a hermit so I thought it would be a good idea to go. Its my plumber and his family. We walked over about 7:30 and they had a bonfire going. It was a full moon, and the sky was really bright. B'f thought we should travel with flashlights since we were walking about 100 feet in the dark. Sometimes he makes me feel soooo old. We introduced ourselves, and his daughter took us around and showed us where the kids were all playing. I didn't realize till we got back that I didn't tell my b'f they were Mormons. I asked how he could tell, and he said he saw a giant "Book of Mormon" on the table when we went in the house. Well, yeah, that would do it. He, being the authority on all thing religious, looked at me like I took him to a sex show or something. I think he thinks since I don't go to church, I am therefore ungodly, and am trying to lead him astray by mixing with people outside of his religion. (insert giant eyeroll here)

We were chatting on yahoo last night, and he told me that he got some bad news, but he didn't want to spoil the party. He is getting his wages garnished for a debt he was taken to court for 2 years ago. They told him he had to pay a certain amount a week, but he was "hoping to work out a deal" so all this time he hasn't been paying. So now, its going to take a chunk of cash out of his check every week. I thought all this time he had been getting it paid down. He said he found out Thursday. I told him I knew something was bothering him but wasn't sure what. Thats when he said he saw the wine coolers in the fridge again, and that made his mood worse. I told him how they had been in there for 6 months. I don't think he believes me. I don't care. I keep thinking some evening I will have one to relax with, and then I forget. Booze lasts me a very long time. LOL

B'f said he probably won't be able to come over as much since this garnish thing. With the gas prices, and winter coming, its going to be tough for him. I wish I could help him out, but he won't help himself. He waits for someone to bail him out, and its not going to be me. He knows what he should have been doing all along, and it was his choice not to. I am hoping this is about the end of the relationship. Maybe the wine coolers will put him over the edge. I didn't do that on purpose, I just don't think there is anything wrong with it, as long as its not to excess. I don't think 6 wine coolers in about a years time is excessive.

I need to get ready for school.
God Bless. Even people of religions other than my own.